It was the afternoon of a day off and we were binge watching Game of Thrones on the big TV. She was sitting on the right side of the couch with my head in her lap. I was beginning to drowse off.
Her right hand was gently rubbing my hair, and her left hand was on my side between ribs and hips. She slid her left hand down my torso until it rested on my ass. "I want to play with you today."
I woke up. "You're my queen." Whenever she plays with me it hurts. But I always submit. "I've bent the knee."
She moved a bit. A deep breath? Using both hands she cradled my head into her stomach. "You're my King in the North." I'm a complicated man with emotional issues but this is my happiness.
Holding my head, she said, "We need to talk about what I want to do."
That was a bit alarming. She's never asked ahead of time. "Um, what did you have in mind?"
"The last time I tied you up I went too far. I know you're nervous about me doing that."
With my head cradled against her stomach and her hands holding me, I wasn't too nervous. "I'm not worried about that anymore, Lisa. You can tie me up."
"I'm worried I might go too far. You won't even use a safeword."
We have a yellow and red light safeword for me to use if needed. She picked them both. The red word is "spiders." She's an incredibly courageous woman but she can't handle spiders. I used to be the one who killed spiders, but lately I just take them out. I've become a gentle soul. I try not to kill anything.
Except cockroaches. I kill every one I see. They know what they did.
"I feel like using a safe word is letting you down."
She made a noise of exasperation. "The first time I spanked you I made you cry."
"You did. I think part of why I cried was that being spanked was so unexpected. You've done worse since and I haven't cried."
She pulled my head tighter to her stomach. "Please don't say 'worse,' baby. I don't want anything to be worse."
I rolled upward to face her. "The worst you do is the best I've had. I never thought I'd like these things. I don't always like it. I'm ok with that."
Since she's been dominating me I've been very sentimental. I don't cry when she spanks me anymore but I cry sometimes from the intensity of my feelings. It's strange being so emotional. Lisa is always the one with the level head.
Not now. I could see her eyes watering up and her chin trembling. Seeing her like that was like watching her being hit by a bus. It affected me so strongly that I had chest pain.
I sat up and pulled her head into my neck. I cradled her head and rubbed her hair. "What's wrong sweetie? Tell me so I can fix it!" I was sort of freaking out. My heart was racing and I was breathing really hard.
She wrapped her arms around my neck and took a deep, shuddering breath.
I've learned that sometimes I just have to wait. When we're hugging each other I've got the rest of my life.
Eventually she was ready to talk. "I've been abusing you."
"No. It's not abuse." It's hard to articulate these new feelings but I gave it a shot. "I feel a closeness to you that I never felt before. With anyone." That didn't really explain anything. "I feel like I'm giving myself to you. And you're accepting me. Even though I don't deserve it."
"Oh, my sweet baby! You deserve everything!" She hugged me harder and I felt a bubble of emotion that almost ended in a sob.
She was quiet for a while. Then, "I've been hurting you. Causing you real pain." She breathed in through her nostrils, a runny nose sniff sound. I reached behind her and grabbed a Kleenex from the box on the end table. I handed it to her and then held her again.
"Sometimes."
She sobbed, "Does that make me a bad person? I've never loved anyone like I love you. Why am I hurting you?" She blew her nose loudly, with copious snot noise.
Under my breath, "Sexy!"
She laughed and gave me a little push. "Now I'm going to hurt you for a good reason!"
"If you want to hurt me It's for a good reason." I considered my next words. I wanted to reassure her but I didn't want her to think she could do anything at all to me, however painful. I mean, she probably could, but I'd rather not give her ideas.
"I love you no matter how much it hurts. I never doubt that you're taking care of me."
She almost yelled. "But why? I don't understand why you put up with that! I need to know!"
It's something I'd been thinking about for weeks. I didn't have a good answer. I tried anyway.
"Because I want to give you everything you want. Whatever it is."
"Oh baby.' She hugged me hard. "Are you sure?"
"Can't you tell?"
"Yes. Yes." She kept hugging me. I was very happy.
"You're in for a hard time today ..." I was very scared.
"You're my queen."
She got up. "Stay here. I've got something for you to wear." She left the room and returned with leather items in her hands. One was a collar. "I want you to wear this. Take off your shirt."
Taking my shirt off, I said, "I'll wear anything you want me to wear." I'm not really submissive. Truly, I'm not. If you met us anywhere in the world you'd never suspect that my wife has her way with me. But ... she does.
The collar had rings around the circumference, I suppose for attaching other restraints. Lisa fastened it around my neck. "Put your head up. I want to see it on you."
I modeled for her. She turned my head back and forth. "It's very sexy on you. I love the way you look in leather." Since our new relationship she's been very appreciative of my appearance. It's not like she didn't compliment me before, but the way she does now makes me feel different. Almost feminine.
She clipped a leash to one of the rings on the collar. She gave it a tug. "Let's go into the bedroom." I got up and followed her.
She had me strip and then put a blindfold on. She put cuffs on my wrists and ankles.
"Get on the bed. On the edge. Lie on your side."
I lay down on my left side. She moved me around. "Scoot over. Bend you legs up and put your hands behind you. Keep your ass over the edge."
With my arms behind my back she clipped the cuffs on my wrists together. Then she pulled them upward to the small of my back and connected the leash from the collar to the cuffs, forcing me to arch my back. She connected my ankle cuffs together and leaned back, I guess looking at me.
She ran her hand down my side. "You're so totally mine." Her voice was husky.
I was breathing hard and didn't think I could talk normally, so I said nothing.