Letter From Uhlenberg

Dear Shoeblossom...

I find your letters interesting, and finally I have something that you might understand--

Here goes-

Medina Porizkova came to Uhlenberg about eight years ago.

She married, my mentor, the great Samenow Varick.

This was despite the fact that Dina was an Ukrainian immigrant, fascinating and exotic, and Samenow was, despite being a nice chap, so bland.

Shit, Samenow was rich, right?

Medina is such a neat woman. She's incredibly petite but with a fairly good sized rack and a wicked sense of humor.

The husband thing was a curve ball, but I'm starting to understand what's going on.

Dina and I kind of have a thing on the side, though Samenow knows about it. Actually it's kind of shoved in his face, you know?

The other night we're sitting on the couch, cuddling, and Samenow, the husband was kneeling in front of us, naked and looking kind of unhappy.

"Just ignore him, Squint." Medina said to me. "I am trying to get Samenow to eat his ejaculate and he's' being a bitch about it, you know?"

"Lick up his semen?" I was kind of grossed out. The fact the poor bastard had introduced us, encouraged the affair and now looked so distressed about it was strange enough.

Samenow looked up at me and I saw the pain in his eyes, but his dick was huge, man.

Samenow and all the Varick family had been very decent to me.

His son had invited my brother and me into his home, we who were penniless orphans, and when Sam, Jr. drove his car off a cliff a decade later, Samenow took me under his wing.

The man paid for a full ride to Uhlenberg State and then a job as a diesel fitter with his company.

Me, Theophilus "Squint" Blint, a terminal fuck-up with a lazy eye and a myriad of learning disabilities...I owed the man a lot.

And then I met his weird trophy wife.

Samenow had been the one to introduce me to this saucy bitch, and he'd spoken to me about fulfilling her "needs".

And now he looked up at me, this man who I admired for so many reasons. A very manly chap, t too-how had he been reduced to this?

I mean, he lived in a classy joint and Schubert's "Trout Quintet" played on the goddamned CD gizmo.

All around the house, the shit that always so impressed me as a kid...

Faberge eggs, Mont Blanc pens, a Picasso or two.

Rolling in money. Brilliant man, and what had all this amounted to?

Dina looked at me.

"You don't get it. If Samenow won't lick up his sperm, the mess how will I ever get him to suck your dick, Squint?"

"Whoa!" I was a little put off by this proposal. "I don't want to criticize Samenow, if he's bisexual or whatever-"

"I'm not bisexual Squint." Samenow said, trying to smile. "I'm completely straight. But I am compelled to serve Mistress Medina in any way she sees fit."

There was a pause.

"And part of my training, we hope, is for me to learn to service her lovers."

Samenow said this so quietly, and he looked utterly ashamed.

Medina rolled her big, expressive hazel eyes.

"Yes, and Samenow won't do it willingly yet, he won't lick up his seed and he won't suck dick."

Imagine that, I thought.

"When I was banging the cable guy, I had to beat Samenow with a vacuum cleaner cord just to get him to kiss the tip of the repairman's dick.

I had seen Dina whipping Samenow, and I knew it wasn't an idle proposition.

Samenow sighed. "I'm a former Navy Chief Petty Officer, and I guess all the macho shit is still in my bloodstream."

Medina smiled tightly. "Yes and we really have to thrash that out of you, Samenow."

Samenow looked a little scared, and to be frank, so did I.

She looked at me. "You've probably met Samenow's sexy secretary, Avedon. Well, I had Avedon come here and I stripped and punished Samenow in front of her and let her whip his sorry ass."

I was dazed, trying to picture this, the cool, reserved, Avedon Welles involved in a weird S&M thing.

"I showed Avedon how I dress Samenow in drag."

I looked at Samenow and he was blushing hotly. Dina continued.

"And how I rape him with a strap-on and give him enemas but Samenow enjoyed this, at some level he loved being humiliated and serving his adorable secretary."

"Uh huh." I said warily.

I'd just dropped by hoping for a quick fuck from Medina, but it was all getting real creepy and out of hand.

Perhaps Dina saw this in me, as she leaned forward and casually put her elegant hand on my leg. My dick stiffened in my work coverall.

"Serving a man is a little different. I need him to obey me unquestioningly.

This means Samenow must have experiences he's not comfortable with and licking your cock and balls and swallowing your waste would be a great step in the right direction."

I looked doubtfully at Samenow. He gave me a reassuring wink and I am afraid my stomach turned.

"You see, Squint." Samenow said cheerfully. "After I got out of the Navy, I lived with a maiden aunt, Auntie Prynne.

At that time, I was trying to go to college on the G.I. Bill, but of course I was a drunken mess-the military does that to you.

Auntie Prynne told me that my big problem was, my voice had changed, too masculine and I was trying to be a man much too fast...

This seemed to me a little ridiculous, but I knew I needed lots of help.

Auntie Prynne put me on a schedule of enemas, and began weighing my stool when I did Number Two and spanking me for small offenses.

She shaved off my body hair and had me wear more feminine clothes, which discouraged me from trying to date and impregnate coeds at school, and gave me an early bedtime, and encouraged me to study quite a bit.

Helpful things like having me walk with books on my head to improve my posture, you know.

This rigorous training gave me the gusto to complete my schooling and I spent years trying to find a woman like Prynne to help me in later life.

As you know, I had a sweet, devoted wife, and I loved her dearly, but she worshipped me a bit too much, and of course indulged Sam Jr. to the point that he was spoiled and it ended in his demise.

I was so glad to meet Medina. She has been so wonderful. She understands what I need, and it's gone so well. But we need a strong man around here to give me a firm hand."

Dina looked at me meaningfully, as she stroked my crotch.

"This could be financially remunerative, Squint, and you could move out of your crappy little apartment, and into my master bedroom. I am so lonely in there."

With this cryptic statement, Medina gave Samenow a withering look and he seemed to melt into the floor.

This was getting stranger and stranger. Normally, I had read it was Beta males (like me) who served Alpha males in these situations.

But I was a handicapped wimp in many ways. Samenow was a splendid athlete and an intellectual, he was certainly an Alpha, and had been described more than once by girls in town as the "Thinking woman's sex symbol."

I discussed this matter with my brother Blinky. Blinky had two lazy eyes and was almost legally blind, but could operate the copier and Samenow had employed Blinky at his firm.

"Yes, Squint. It's weird here." Blinky said puzzledly.

"Avedon, the administrative assistant like, slaps the chief around in front of us, and struts like she owns the goddamn place. I wonder if Mr. Varick is mentally ill or something."

There was a pause as my sibling and I considered this.

"You know, Miss Porizkova, his wife? Medina? She was Mr. Varick's steno before she married him, and the bitch used to spank his bare ass in his office, see?"

This worried me, too.

The company Samenow Varick is comptroller for, Medrick, Mardell & Windbom employs a lot of people in our little hamlet.

They make munitions, mostly, and lots of government contracts could be lost if things get strange.

If the boss got weird, Uhlenberg could go belly-up, kaput. Who wants that?

So the next time I went over to visit the Varicks, it wasn't just in the hope of bedding Dina but of trying to accommodate their eclectic wishes, the two of them.

"I have an idea, Squint." Medina said to me. "Do you still hang around the Broadsword? I was a cocktail waitress there when I first came to this country."

Perhaps, I thought but with my lazy eye and the low lights, I wouldn't have noticed. But I nodded.

"Lots of big guys over there, right? I used to see you playing cards with them."

"Yeah, my bridge and poker winnings has kind of supplemented my rent, though I don't do that well at the pool table." I conceded.

"I know those fellows." Dina said cheerily.

"They are in the union at your work and some of them were kind of pissed that Mr. Varick here."

When she said "here" Dina slashed Samenow across the back, he was kneeling in front of us as usual.

"Yeah, Samenow broke the union and wouldn't meet their salary demands."

Samenow tried to look abashed, but the old bastard, even kneeling naked there was pleased with himself. He was one tough negotiater.

"Bring those big, angry, handsome boys over here, why don't you?"

Dina smirked at me and then at Samenow, who had just finished drying dishes from the meal he'd served us.

"He can get their dicks hard with his mouth before they fuck me."

Samenow had already had a stressful afternoon apparently.

Dina had made Samenow put on a pair of her pantyhose and had entrapped fifty fire ants in the area around his crotch and it had made the old chap dance a bit.

Now Samenow was nude again, looking a bit nervous at the idea of big, strong, men coming to visit him and stretching his mouth, and possibly his asshole with their crotch weapons.

Who wouldn't be?

When I got the guys over there, it was quite a lively weekend.

A year later and things have really altered our relationship. This morning, the three of us returned from Sunday Mass.

Medina was upset with Samenow because she thought he'd been scoping another parishioner's breasts.

Mrs. Collimore had had an enticing decottelage, but I had to side with Mama, right?

When we got into the house I said "Samenow?"

"Yes sir." the older man said, cowering in his Armani suit.

"Go into the library and get my cane and the rubber baton and the strap out, and remove your jacket and pull down your britches.

You must learn to respect Miss Medina. Wait for me."

Samenow seemed to shake in his shoes.

"And also bring out the Vaseline bottle."

The richest and most powerful exec in Uhlenberg snorted back a tear and trotted down the hall.

And Medina gave me a long kiss and then she blew me. I knew I'd be getting a second suck from Samenow, and then I could take his back end too.

What a life I have!