I do not write much in BDSM because I am still so new at it. Constructive comments are appreciated.
I've been staring at the blank page for almost 20 minutes, watching the cursor flash – taunting me to write something with its impatient twitch. I'm almost scared to put it down in black and white – the dark, socially taboo feelings I've been having. But, without the admission of it, how else can I move on to accepting it?
I want to be a submissive woman. There, I said it. Out there now for all its worth. I want to have a man dominate me, humiliate me and bring me to a place of inner peace and love I've never felt before. What a contradiction in terms - love/control, humiliation/peace. But even with the little experience I've had in experimenting with it, I know it's there and I know it's what makes me a better person in my everyday life.
It doesn't mean my stomach wasn't in fantastic knots tonight, waiting for him to return. Part of the excitement of submission is the anticipation of the entire act.
I am at my most submissive during sexual play, but that doesn't mean there isn't a demand of respect at all times, for both of us. I respect him because of who he is, and he respects me by allowing me to serve and please him. Not every woman can do this. It takes an incredibly strong woman to submit to the natural order of things, and admit and act on her overwhelming desire to serve. I am an independent woman in most areas of my life, a control freak in some ways, but with him – I am his possession, his whore; and I operate at his will. It is one of the most liberating feelings I have ever had in my life. I do not have to pretend to "have it all together" when I am with him. I simply obey his commands and supply his needs. Sometimes, it's the mundane things; watching me scrub his dishes, prepare his dinner, or have his laundry clean. But most of the time it's being his sexual slave; his pet, his dirty little slut.
Tonight was the latter, and I was prepared for him to arrive. Showered, shaved smooth, an application of coconut lotion, just enough where he will be able to inhale it only if he's close. He had instructed me to wear nothing but a black thong, be on my knees when he arrives, hands behind my head. I would greet him gently, a simple, "hello, sir" when he walked in, but would participate in no other conversation until he allowed it. I never know what he will do. It's always possible he won't respond and leave me on my knees while he has dinner, or he could lay me down and fuck me on the floor in the foyer. Whatever he chooses at any time, I will submit and I will thank him for it.
He was late tonight. I stayed in position for at least an hour before he sauntered in the door. My body was stiff; my knees ached from being pressed onto the wood floor. But, I dared not speak about it. It was not my place to question him or even wonder why he left me for so long. All I was required to do was wait in the manner he had ordered me to.
"Hello, sir." I kept my head down and my eyes low.
"Hello, love." He removed his jacket and threw it on the arm of the couch. "You're almost in perfect position, but please spread your legs a little wider." It was almost excruciating trying to move my knees, but there would be no excuse for disobedience. I slowly opened my legs more, becoming aware of the heaviness of my swollen cunt. "That's better, pet. Back straight, please." My spine cracked as I pushed out my chest. "I know you're still learning, and you almost had it right. So, I will reserve punishment for now. Look down and see where your knees are." I did. "This is where you should be when I come home. I will not spank you for your forgetfulness tonight, but I want you to remember. You want to remember, don't you?"
I nodded.
"Answer me appropriately." His voice tensed.
"Yes, sir."
"Excellent. You will stay here until you are sure you remember."
Oh God, no. Please don't leave me here much longer. I hurt. My knees feel like they will break, my back is in so much pain and my arms feel like jello. Please just let me up. These were thoughts, never spoken words. The thought crossed my mind to release myself when I heard the shower turn on, but the act of disrespecting him – even if he doesn't know, made me shudder. I would take it. Remain in my position until he graciously allowed me to change it.
The room grew dark from the night sky before the shower finally turned off. I half expected him to return immediately to rescue me, but he didn't. The silence was almost eerie. There had been the familiar sound of the sink running, the spray of cologne, drawers opening and shutting and then nothing. Had he gone to bed? Had he forgotten about me? Was he going to leave me here all night with my legs spread, my arms behind my head and my pussy dripping? He said he would not punish me. I felt anger build inside of me. How dare he? How dare he leave me on this cold floor in pain? Tears welled in my eyes. I tried to distinguish it from being pain, or disappointment or just plain being mad, but before I could sort it out, the doorbell rang, much to my surprise.
He emerged from the bedroom, dressed casually in jeans and a t-shirt. He didn't even look at me as he walked past. He opened the door, and I stayed on my knees knowing anybody who glanced my way could see me naked and humiliated.
"Hey, Brian, glad you could make it." Michael shook his hand and led him in. I remained motionless as they stood before me, looming over me.
"What's going on here?" Brian was aware of our lifestyle, but had never participated before. He, himself had a sub and one day, I knew Michael would share me with them. But not now, not yet. I could feel myself turning red from embarrassment.
"She's learning her position." They spoke about me as if I wasn't in the room.
"I see."
"The game is about to start. Come on in and make yourself at home." Brian strode past me to the couch. Michael turned to me. "Be a good slut and turn so we can see you if we choose to. I will call on you later." He patted me on the head and joined his friend.
I turned slowly, allowing them a straight view. "Wider, Eve. Open your legs so you can feel the breeze flow to you cunt." I did so with no argument.
The game seemed to last forever and they were barely entering into half time. I honestly didn't know how much more I could stand. Relief finally came when Michael spoke to me.
"Love?"
"Yes, sir?" My voice was weak.
"Be a good girl, get up and serve us. Snacks and drinks."
"Thank you, sir." And I meant it.
I managed to get my broken body into a standing position and was sure my knees would buckle as I put my weight into my legs. They ignored me as I went past them and into the kitchen. I hadn't prepared for a guest. I would be punished for sure. I should always be prepared for whatever Michael demanded. I rummaged through the pantry looking for anything acceptable. Just tortilla chips wouldn't do. To my relief, I had planned on making him a Mexican dish the next night and had all the right ingredients to make a quick batch of salsa. When I was finished, I took two cold beers, opened them and took all of it to them. I stood before them, still in my thong and handed them their treat.
"That's it?" Michael was not pleased.
"Sir, I- "
Michael stood and pulled me to him. In one motion, he sat back down and laid me over his lap. Five smacks to my ass. Each one harder than before.
"Talking back to me is unacceptable. Do you understand?"
"Yes, sir." I said into his lap.
"Stand up." I did. "Now go make us something
acceptable. And remove your thong."
"Yes, sir. Thank you."
"Good girl."
I walked back into the kitchen and heard them laughing and talking. I removed my thong, leaving myself completely vulnerable. Thankfully, being the hostess of many parties I was able to make one of Michael's favorite appetizers with what I had. Why hadn't I just done that first? I returned, naked, and began to put the food in front of them.
"Not like that, Eve."
