Laid Stupid

By this time we are spending every weekend together during the day. Some days we just spend time together, some days we spend playing around in bed. What we are doing seems to have developed into more than I was expecting at least to me. I am not sure at all how he feels.

He has on a couple of occasions mentioned that if and when I am ready to submit to him I would need to kneel naked in front of him and beg him to take me on. I don't know how I feel about this, my life is still so complicated and I cannot meet a few of his "requirements". Like being tattooed, pierced and collared. I have to admit the thought of wearing a collar is very seductive to me, something I truly long for. I am after all still married and I don't know how I feel sharing someone, which I will have to do with him. He is definitely not into monogamy. Not at all!

At this point we talk on the phone almost daily, text and keep in touch one way or another. I have come to depend on this. It is worrisome how much my mood depends on hearing from him, but this is probably due to my circumstances at home. I have fairly serious abandonment issues so every time I do not hear from him or hear back from him I tend to panic and jump to conclusions.

The next time I go over to his house he is once again in the "edgy" mood. We play around for a while and he finally goes down on me again. Have I mentioned he is a master with his tongue? Anyway, after quite a few mind-blowing orgasms he gets up off the bed and instructs me to turn over and put my hands above my head palms down. For some reason I do as told. He begins to spank me bare handed,damn I love this. He then switched over to a flogger and works me up and down with it. Then again out of nowhere "thwack" comes the fucking paddle. Have I mentioned I have a love/hate relationship with this thing? Well I do. Then he leaves the room to go to the bedroom he keeps all the toys in and comes back with a new toy. He begins to use a single tail whip on me. Holy crap I love this thing. I immediately go into subspace with him hitting me with the single tail. This goes on for a while and then stops and lies down next to me. He takes me in his arms and we just lie there for a while. I feel free for the first tie in forever.

Later in the day I go to get ready to leave and go home and I see this horrid look on his face. He calls me over and turns me around and I am bruised, badly. So now I have to figure out how to explain these bruises. I love them and wish so bad I could wear them proudly. So I come up with a story and go home. Again, sub drop hits later that night, but I am able to call him and he talks me through it.

We start to talk about our "relationship" at this point. He refers to me as his girlfriend, I have met a friend of his and we have literally talked for endless hours about everything. We stay up late at night talking and talking. And I hate talking on the phone so this says a lot. He has on a couple of occasions mentioned "owning" me, but then seems to forget about it. I find this confusing to say the least. My insecurities are pushing me to define what we are, what we are doing. I have a feeling this drives him crazy. For those of you reading that we had this perfect fuck fest of a relationship sorry to break it to you. We struggle more than I would like to admit. I question myself more than I would like to admit. I question what I am doing.

The next time we are together there is a new intensity that I can't quite put my finger on. When I get there he gives me that look that makes me quiver all over! He pushes me down on the bed and pulls my pants off and immediately shoves the Hitachi Wand on me. I begin to have orgasm after orgasm until I feel like I am losing my mind. He climbs on me and enters me ever so gently before pounding into me over and over. The feelings and emotions are overwhelming and in a moment of extreme passion and pleasure he looks at me and says, "Who do you belong to?" I immediately answer "You". I love hearing this and no we have nothing formal in place at this time. I know I am getting ahead of myself.

The next day I go over again and when I enter the house I immediately go upstairs and he is in the bathroom. He calls me into the bathroom pulls my shirt and bra off and pulls my pants down around my ankles. I am immediately bent over and told "You might want to grab onto the wall". I hear him grabbing a bottle of lube and all of a sudden he is fucking my brains out as I hold onto the wall. I have a hard time standing and he finally walks me to the bed, pants still around my ankles. He throws me on the bed rips my pants off and goes back to fucking me like his life depends on it. I have to say that when he is like this it makes me lose control. I have this uncontrollable desire to do anything he wants, to completely submit myself to him. But it is still early in our relationship and I am afraid of being turned down.

At some point we begin to tell each other "love you" when we say goodbye or good night. Not "I love you" but just "love you". I have to wonder is there a difference? What does this mean? And occasionally when we are on the phone and he has either had a few or in a mood he asks me if I like "being owned". Yet we have not officially gone there yet. So again, confused. But my fears, abandonment issues and the very large walls I have build around my heart prevent me from asking him to clear this up for me. I feel like I am reading more into this relationship than I should at this point. But I am beginning to realize this is who I am.

I find it so much easier to communicate with him in writing, I am still not comfortable talking to him about some things. So I go home and decide to write him on the social media website we met on. I write him about the periodic mentioning of "being owned" I also ask him about providing some structure. Mind you, he has been very reluctant to even talk about this so far. So I send this to him and we decide to talk about it next weekend. I hope we do.

The next weekend he finally comes in me and oh my gosh, he makes the most amazing sounds when he comes. So HOT! I am lying face down and he is on top of me holding me down and fucking me for quite sometime. When he has made sure I have had orgasm after orgasm he finally lets loose and comes inside of me. Most. Amazing. Feeling. We are lying there naked holding each other and he asks me if I am ready to talk about what I wrote to him. So I reluctantly agree we should talk about it. He tells me that I am not ready to be "owned" my him and my heart literally falls apart. It is all I can so not to burst into tears. I cannot help it I am really hurt. I turned over so he could not see my face and he just held me.

I finally get up and get dressed and he can tell I am upset. He tells me I still have a lot to learn and I need to be patient. I ask him what I am to him and he replies "his girlfriend", not his sub. I am confused since he has referred to me as his sub in the past, but I just can't bring myself to push it. I eventually go home and he can tell I am upset. I told him when we first started this that I was a lot to handle. I need a lot of attention and I was afraid he could not give me what I need. We have not played in a couple of weeks and I am out of sorts. I went home and wrote him a very emotional and not so nice message online. I knew I crossed a line, but cannot bury my feelings any longer. Cannot put myself and my needs last. If I am going to tear down my walls they have to come down completely. Even when it comes out as anger and hurt. We finally come to an agreement and I understand a bit where he was coming from telling me I was not ready.

The next time we are together we take a shower in his new rain shower. He washes every inch of me taking time to rub my nipples and my clit and as usual I orgasm over and over. Then he bends me over in the shower and begins fucking me from behind, one of my favorite positions. I absolutely love the feeling of being taken by him. The water feels so amazing on my skin as he pounds into me from behind. When he is done he pulls out and turns me around shoving me to my knees. I clean myself off of his still hard cock. I then soap up my hands and wash his entire body. I have never gone near his ass like he does to mine. But he encourages me and I begin to soap him up gently rubbing him. I can tell this arouses him.

We turn off the shower and dry off. He leads me to the bed where he shoves me face down and immediately begins fucking me from behind. I usually cannot stand to be held down in this manner but I love the feeling of him having this kind of power over me. The feeing of him controlling me and I cannot wait until he controls all of me.