"Kneel."
Kneel. It should be easy, shouldn't it? One little motion until my knees hit the floor. And I wanted this. Really, I did. I had dreamed of, had fantasized about this very situation. So, what was holding me back? Why couldn't I just kneel in front of him like I wanted?
Jake's eyes bore into mine, waiting. He wouldn't say it again. He would wait until whatever side in the war within myself won. I looked back at him, my mouth growing dry. I couldn't do this no matter how much I wanted it. Could I?
What's the worst thing that would happen if I knelt before this man? My pride bristled. I would be giving up control. But that was whole point, wasn't it? To give up the trappings of my everyday life where I was always in control, where I was the one making all the decisions.
Slowly I sank to my knees and dropped my head. I didn't drop my head of any kind of deference but because I felt ashamed. I was a stereotypical male. I drove a big truck. I worked out. I had out doorsy hobbies like hiking and playing touch football with my stereotypical male friends. I liked women and sleeping around had been a favored activity of mine. Now I found myself in a dungeon in the seeder part of town kneeling before a man that was strong both physically and mentally.
"Did I tell you to drop you head?" Jake asked.
My cheeks burned right up my ears and into my hair with embarrassment. I was not used to being chastised. I was usually the one doing the chastising.
Jake tilted my chin up so I could look into his eyes once again. "Answer."
"You did not." I reply. Jake raised an eyebrow. That was not how we had agreed I'd answer questions. I knew it. Again, Jake waited. He knew I fought a war within with every question, every gesture. I squeezed my eyes shut for a beat.
"You did not, Sir."
Jake smiled and dropped his hand from my chin. He walked around behind me trailing his fingers across my shoulders. I had never been touched like this by a man. This was not the hearty handshake, or the football roughhousing that I thought of as acceptable male touch. This was intimate. It was personal.
Jake stood behind me running his fingers through my hair. Damn if it didn't feel good. I dropped my head again.
"Back up or we stop right here."
My head snapped back into position. Damn it all to hell I didn't want to stop. I was filled with shame, but I didn't want to stop.
"Stand."
It was easier following this instruction. Maybe the fact that I towered over Jake gave me a false sense of control over the situation. But that really wasn't what I wanted.
"Put your back against the cross."
I took small steps backward until my back rested against the St. Andrew's cross. It was cold against my bare back. Jake reached out running his fingers down my chest. He circled my nipple with his fingers twisting a little. I gasped. That was too far, wasn't it? I was so conflicted.
I had found kink by accident. One of my ex-girlfriends had been into kink. She had introduced me to a few concepts, and I had done a little research into practices in an effort to keep things fresh between us. After the relationship had ended, I still thought about the practices we'd enjoyed. I found myself thinking about power exchanges and fantasizing about giving up aspects of control.
My problem was I couldn't get into a head space to give up control to the women I met at the club I had joined. It always seemed forced. Like I was pretending. That wasn't what I wanted. As unprogressive as it sounds, I could never visualize feeling a true power exchange with any woman. I had decided kink may not really be for me when I met Jake.
I'd seen Jake several times as he played with others. He played with everyone. Men. Women. Everyone in between. He approached me one night while I was at the bar having a drink. I wasn't planning on playing that night so I felt I could indulge.
Jake introduced himself and I found myself falling into easy conversation with him. We had so much in common. I felt an easy camaraderie with him. We struck up an easy friendship. We even met up outside the club on occasion to hang out.
One evening while having a drink at a local pub Jake began questioning me.
"What are you looking for from kink?"
I thought for a moment. I knew what fantasies I had but I seemed to have hit a dead end. I said as much.
"Why do you think you have such a hard time playing with the women at the club?"
I sighed. "Because I can't truly see myself in a power exchange with any of them. I know it's caveman of me, but I can't get into a headspace to see them as dominant over me. It feels forced. I know it doesn't make much sense."
Jake sat in contemplation for a moment. "What if you played with someone you truly saw as an equal?"
"Man, that makes it sound like I think less of women."
"Not at all. We all have relationships where we feel more equal to another person. I feel equal to friends where I don't have the same feelings towards someone, I'm not friends with."
"Perhaps." I took a sip of my drink. Maybe I was just looking for the wrong partner.
"Carter, we've become friends. You can tell me what you fantasize about."
Again, I sighed. "I want to be overpowered. Physically, mentally."
"You want to be made to submit?"
"Yes, and no. Man, I don't know. I just know I'm not finding what I want. Maybe I just don't fit into kink."
"Have you ever thought about playing with a man?" Jake looked thoughtful as he took a sip of his drink.
In truth I hadn't. I had always just assumed that women should be who I played with. I didn't have any particular issues with men playing together, I just hadn't seen myself as one that did.
"I would play with you," Jake began. "I think we could play well together."
I thought about that. We were certainly matched physically. We were on an equal footing through friendship. Maybe we could play together, and it would work.
So here I stand with my friend, my back against the St. Andrew's cross, goose bumps growing on my bare back.
Jake crowded in front of me, standing nose to nose.
"You want to put up a fight before you give up. Is that what you want?"
It was what I wanted. To fight not to give up control but in the end be forced to.
"Yes." I growled.
"Yes, what, Carter?"
Damn it he was going to make me say it. But what if I didn't? What would he actually do? Wasn't this part of the game. To see how far I could push and see how far he would push back? I stood silently.
Jake chuckled. "It's okay my friend. We'll get there in the end." Jake's hand shot out to grasp me by the throat. He squeezed slightly and my nose flared to take in more oxygen. Jake leaned in and whispered in my ear, "You will do what I say how we agreed you'd do it, or I will punish you."
