Another glance at my watch confirms what I already know: I've been sitting at this bar for over 30 minutes already. The ice at the bottom of my long-since empty glass has melted into small puddle. Fidgeting in my seat, I drink the droplets of water and signal to the barman that a refill will most definitely be necessary! How long is too long to wait for your Tinder to date arrive before accepting that you've been stood up? 10 minutes? 15 minutes? 30 minutes? 'One more drink' I think to myself, 'then I'm leaving!'
A fresh gin and tonic is placed in front of me, and the usual card-to-machine transaction takes place as I glance down at my watch again. The slow, heavy sigh that escapes my nostrils could easily be mistaken for that of a bear or dragon. One of benefits of meeting on a Tuesday night is that the place is emptier than usual, but even now some of the seats are beginning to fill.
Glancing around, I notice that most of the people in this bar are women. For a moment, I consider trying to chat to someone new, someone who I haven't arranged to meet through a dating app, someone who is already here and not leaving me on my own in the bar...but the thought passes as quickly as it arrived. I'd probably need another 10 drinks before that would ever happen!
Slouching over the bar, I press my hand to my back. Having bad posture makes waiting at bars a real pain...literally! Most of the seats are taken, but as I scan around the room, I spot an empty booth hidden in the corner. It's smaller than the rest, and sitting four people here certainly wouldn't be easy, but it will do the job for me! As I lift my drink and move across, I slide along the black fabric and make myself comfortable in the corner. Just as I'm rolling up my sleeves, I feel my phone vibrate in my jeans pocket. Checking the message, I can't even act surprised by what the Tinder message reads:
"Can't make it! Sorry! x"
Closing the message, I begin swiping on new potential matches. Am I wasting my time? Each swipe is a second that I could be spending doing literally anything else. Glancing at profiles, flicking through photos, skimming the standard bios that paint every person as an explorer and adventurer, and sending follow-up messages my previous matches soon begins to block out the rest of the world.
I find myself so engrossed that I don't even register the fact that someone is standing at the edge of the table, at least not immediately. As I glance up, I see a woman staring back at me. She's holding a pint of beer in one hand and a small, black purse in the other.
"Do you mind?" she asks, pointing her bag at the empty seat opposite me.
I shake my head. A noise does escape my lips that was supposed to say "no", but what came out was more of a grumble. Either way, she slides along opposite me and places both bag and beer on the table. Trying not to seem obvious, I continue swiping. Every minute or so, my eyes dart from my phone screen to the woman, just for a moment. The lights in this bar are pretty dim, and the sun has long since set outside, so it's hard to tell if she's wearing black lipstick or just a dark shade.
A couple more glances and I happen to catch the colour slightly in the light and I get the impression that it's actually dark purple. The more I look at her, the more I see the difference in colour between her lips and her eye shadow, the latter of which is darker than night and reminds of an Ancient Egyptian Goddess. She has beautiful skin and an aura of power about her. She's looking out across the bar and I see the purplish shimmer of her tied-up hair, like a dark treacherous vortex, pulling me into the unknown. I drag my eyes away and glance back at my phone.
Slowly but surely, I begin to admire her necklace, following the silver chain that leads down her pale skin to the bumblebee that dances around her chest. Completely by accident, I find myself noticing that her dress leaves little to the imagination. There's no bra in sight and so her cleavage is staring back at me. Shaking my head slightly, I glance back at Tinder and begin swiping once again, sadly coming to the end of my free swipes for the day. Now I have a dilemma. Do I put my phone down or find something else to do? Maybe one of my other apps will find me a new match for this evening...
"If you're going to check me out, you could at least put your phone down!" she tells me, her voice is stern, clear, and powerful. Her slightly posh English accent seems to fit her words, but not her look. As I glance up, I see that she isn't even facing in my direction: she's still staring out across the bar.
"Sorry..." I respond, sliding my phone into my pocket as I glance towards the table, lifting my drink up to my lips with both hands. This would usually be the moment to start a conversation, but my brain has emptied of all potential ideas.
She turns around and begins staring right at me, and for some reason my eyes choose now, of all moments, to glance back down towards her cleavage. Intercepting their intentions, I direct them towards her shoulders and down to her waist. Is that better? I don't know!
I begin to distract myself by over-analysing her dress: It's dark green and the sleeves are loose, reaching down to about elbow length. I only now notice the flower pattern that is spread across it, with each flower being a different colour. It's pretty and fits her well: showing her shape but still leaving most things to the imagination, apart from her cleavage of course.
"So..." she begins, "...what's your name?"
"Jack", I respond. There's a long pause as I realise that she's waiting for the same question to be asked of her. "And you?"
"Stella", she tells me.
We enter into another moment of awkward silence, or at least it feels awkward to me. As I glance up, I find that Stella is just looking right at me. She certainly doesn't look like she's in an awkward position, in fact there doesn't seem to be a shred of awkwardness being displayed at all. If anything, I'd say that she seems to be enjoying the slight discomfort I'm feeling at this very moment.
"Are you from here or..."
"Stop!" she interrupts, "I'm not interested in small talk". I hear a faint sigh leave her body before she says, "I don't mean to be rude or come across as cold, but I'm just not interested, and I feel like it would be ruder for me to pretend that I am!" She lifts her beer to her mouth, takes a giant gulp and places it back on the table.
"What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done?" she asks.
I happen to me halfway through swallowing some of my gin and tonic when this question leaves her lips. I choke as the cold liquid goes down the wrong pipe, and I find myself coughing my lungs up as a result. Each cough feels more aggressive, and as I glance back up, I see a smile form on one side of her face as she continues to stare right at me. There's a twinkle in her eyes that's unmissable.
"What do you mean?" I ask, trying to clarify the question.
"What's the kinkiest thing you've done in the bedroom?" she repeats, "or anywhere, but I mean sexually."
Hearing it a second time doesn't help me, and I find my mind turning instantly blank. What is the kinkiest thing I've done?
"I've ehhh..." I pause, leaning over the table slightly and lowering my voice to just above a whisper. "I've been blindfolded and hand-cuffed to the bed before". I tell her, my face turning instantly red-hot as the blood rushes to it. I lean back again, lifting my drink to my lips as I wait for her to say something in response. She glances back at me, pondering an unspoken idea in her mind.
"When was the last time you had sex?"
"What? That's a bit personal, isn't it?" I say, letting out a nervous giggle.
She leans in closely, and whispers, "are you afraid to talk about sex?" A bigger smile appears across her face, one that is slightly contagious.
"About six months ago..." I mutter.
"WHAT?" she half shouts at me, causing people to turn around momentarily before returning to their drinks and conversation. "A few months ago?" she asks. "How often do you masturbate?"
There's a long pause. Admitting that you haven't had sex for a while is one thing but admitting how often you masturbate is a whole other story. I hold my glass in one hand and begin to swirl the ice cubes around, as if dealing with some imaginary problem with my drink.
"For me it's a couple of times a week" she says, without caring who hears her.
"Every other day or so, I guess" I tell her, looking down at my hands as they continue to spin my glass around. As I glance up, her eyes are scanning my body up and down.
"Why has it been so long since you last had sex?"
"Well..." I begin, "I came out of a relationship not too long ago and just haven't met anyone else yet. I was supposed to have a date tonight and I was hoping that that would...go well...but she cancelled."
Lifting her glass to her lips, she gulps down the last of her beer, before standing up from the booth.
"Do you want another drink?" she asks me, pointing to my half-full glass of gin and tonic.
"No, I'm OK thanks" I tell her.