I Didn't Text Him...voda Did

Charlie called every other day, just to check in and see how Sampson was, at least that's what he told me. I knew he was worried but I secretly thanked him for not making a big deal about this. Overall I felt comfortable at the cabin, well, as comfortable as you can when your heart is shattered.

"I think we should talk about Lucas," Charlie said a few days after I arrived. "You should probably talk about what happened, it will make you feel better."

"I don't want to talk about Lucas," I sounded lost, even though I tried to sound like I had my shit together. "Please don't do this, I came here to get away from him."

"Alright sweetheart," he said in the soothing voice I appreciated more than anything. "I won't bring him up again. Or your mother, who's looking for you."

"God, whatever you do, don't tell her where I am, she'll come beat down the door to make sure I'm alright."

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"Maybe," I sighed. "Probably," another sigh. "I don't know." That last part was a strangled sob which I tried and failed to recover from. "I'll be fine Charlie, I just need some time to work things out in my head."

"Alright, alright." It was his turn to sigh and when he came back I heard a smile in his voice. "I'm not going to come and beat down the door, but I am going to send Sampson a care package. You left his favourite toys behind."

"So that's why he's been looking so forlorn," I said.

"Has nothing to do with your crying, I'm sure." We both smiled at that. "Ok, be kind to yourself Chicken, and try to eat healthy."

"I will Charlie, thank you."

"Anytime love, anytime."

The next day both Sampson and I were excited to open the massive box that had been delivered overnight by our knight in shining armour. He'd gone all out, four dog toys for Sampson, who was beside himself with joy. Two tubs of my favourite ice cream, microwave popcorn, microwave dinners - of the pseudo healthy variety. The latest book by my favourite author, two dvd's, six CDs, and a new cell phone.

I sat on the floor looking at that last one for about an hour, wondering if I should bother turning it on. Part of me prayed that he would be calling me, the other part of me didn't want to know if he wasn't. In the end, I spent my day crying in bed, staring at the phone sitting on the bedside table. Sampson was a trooper and curled up against my back, a silent rock that reminded me I wasn't really alone.

Six weeks into my self imposed exile, I started to feel off. It was minor at first, I just slept in longer, had naps during the day and crashed early every night. A few days later I was nauseous, all the time. Charlie's second installment of ice cream went untouched and I was lucky if I could keep down crackers. Slowly the pieces started to fall into place.

The realization was enough to make me vomit.

One trip into town and three pregnancy tests later I was crying on the bathroom floor, trying to convince both myself and the whining dog on the other side of the door that I was alright. My first call was to Charlie, who listened with all the patience of a saint as I rambled on telling him that I was pregnant, that Lucas was the father and in no way on earth was I prepared for this.

When the tears ebbed enough for him to get a word in, he tried to reason with me. "We both know you need to tell him. He deserves to know sweetheart."

"I can't tell him, he hates me."

"He doesn't hate you," he said

"He threw me out."

"He pushes people away when he's scared, just like you." Charlie let out a gentle sigh. "I know it's hard but this is important, you can't stay hidden away forever."

"I could work from here."

I heard the smile in his voice. "You can't hide away forever and you can't let your child grow up without a father, just think of what it did to you."

"Hey Charlie?"

"Yes, love?" He said softly.

"No one likes the voice of reason."

He laughed, I smiled and ten minutes later I was looking at my phone as it sat on the floor in front of me. Turning it on was the first step, I told myself. I couldn't call using the land line because I didn't remember Lucas' number. That and I didn't want him to figure out where I was.

My phone exploded the minute I turned it on, eighty unanswered calls, mostly from Lucas. Over two hundred text messages, again mostly from Lucas, and apparently my voicemail box was full. Well, at least he hadn't pushed me from his life completely.

The masochist that I am slowly started scrolling through his messages starting with the latest one.

- You're scaring me. Please pick up the phone

- Where are you? Your landlord says she hasn't seen you in weeks

- God I hate your mother, she's blaming me for this. She's not wrong though

- Please just answer me, even if it's to tell me you hate me

As I was making my way through them, three little dots popped up on the lower left hand side and his next message popped up.

- Finally got a new phone?

My heart physically ached, the kind of ache I wasn't sure would ever go away. There was no stopping it now, he knew I was here, eventually I'd have to respond.

- We need to talk.

I didn't know what to say to that. I wanted to talk to him so much. I needed to talk to him but the words got stuck somehow. Instead I typed,

- I'm not ready to talk to you

Those three dots popped up again and I imagined the ferocity with which he must be typing his answer.

- We need to talk about this Allie, we can't leave it like this.

I let out a shuddering sigh.

- We need to talk, but not about us. When I'm ready I'll call you.

That worked about as well as a brick through a window. Seconds after I'd pressed send my phone started ringing. I declined the call, he called again. It went on like that until Sampson huffed and left the room. Only then did I accept the call, my breath stuck in my throat.

Time beat between us for a long moment or two. Finally he said, "I figured you'd be yelling at me the second you picked up." His words were met with silence, the kind of silence that spoke to all the hurt and sadness that stewed within me. "You're going to have to talk to me eventually Allie."

He was right. I sat there for a while, my breath frantic and racing. Finally in a great rush of air I said, "I'm pregnant."

Then it was his turn to be silent. Then he said, "And I guess you expect me to believe it's mine."

I'd expected a dozen reactions but that wasn't one of them. Tears welled up in my eyes and I hung up the phone, throwing it across the room onto the couch. Immediately it started ringing but I ignored it. As soon as it stopped ringing it started again, over and over, and over again.

When it stopped, and it did finally stop, I heard the bing of a text message. As much as I tried to ignore it curiosity got the better of me, and through my tears I opened up my phone.

- I'm sorry.

- We need to talk

- Where are you?

Three other messages came in but I ignored them. I turned off my phone and crawled into bed, bleeding tears and struggling to hold my heart together. Not long after my sobs had settled into the odd sniffle, the land line rang. Knowing it was Charlie I had no choice but to answer.

"Hi Charlie," I said.

"Where are you?" Lucas' voice sounded dark and dangerous, like I'd pushed him too far for the last time.

"How did you get this number?"

"Charlie."

"I'm going to kill him, you can tell him that."

"Don't be too mad, he didn't tell me where you are."

"Thank God. I'm not doing this with you Lucas'. I don't have it in me right now."

Things took a 180 pretty quickly and his voice softened. "How are you feeling? Are you alright?"

"How do you expect me to feel?" I snapped back.

He sounded relieved to hear me angry. "Angry, sad, hopefully missing me the way I miss you."

"You threw me out. You don't get to miss me."

"I wish someone had told me that before now." He let out a long sigh. "This is killing me Allie, please tell me where you are. I need to know you're alright."

"I'd be fine if you'd just leave me alone. I had to tell you, I told you, now I want to forget you."

"You don't mean that," his voice sounded small and far away, in the background I thought I heard an engine starting up.

"I've never been more sure of anything in my life." I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to sell the lie. "I'm done Lucas, leave me alone and don't call this number again."

It felt like closure. It felt like my heart was breaking all over again. It felt like the rest of my life would be lonely as all hell. It felt like the end of everything I'd always wanted and hadn't had long enough.

I fell into a fitful sleep, filled with all the good memories of us. Unhappy, horrible reminders of all that I'd lost when I'd left over two years ago. In the end, I had no one to blame but myself. I was the one who walked out first, I broke his heart and stayed away, when I finally did reach out again, he couldn't do it. Who could blame him? And now we were too broken to fix.

At six am, I pulled myself out of bed, forcing myself to shower and dress. I wouldn't shake this depression lounging around and feeling sorry for myself. It was time to find my place again in the world. I was finishing getting dressed when Sampson started barking on the front porch.

A familiar silver Audi was driving up to the house and my heart stopped. It actually stopped for a second or two. Calling back the dog, I pushed Sampson into the house and followed him in. Locking the door behind us, I stepped back just as Lucas made his way up the stairs.

"How did you find me?" I called out through the glass door.

"Reverse lookup," he said. Lucas looked awful. He'd ditched his suit jacket and his shirt had clearly seen better days. I could tell he'd run his hands through his hair a few dozen times, as it was sticking up all over the place. Given how far we were from home, he'd had to have driven all night. He looked how I felt, tired, emotionally exhausted, and hurt. "Are you going to let me in?" He asked.

"I haven't decided yet," I said.

"Could you decide quickly?" he asked. "I have to use the washroom."

I shook my head, what could I say to that. Stepping forward, and against my better judgement, I unlocked the door. He was inside and locking it behind me so fast, I didn't have the chance to change my mind. Then we were standing there, face to face, and I didn't know what to say.

"The washroom is over there," I pointed to the door on the left side of the kitchen. "I'd appreciate it if you'd use it and leave."

"I'm not going to leave until we've talked about this." He was determined, I'll give him that. It wasn't new though, no force on earth could stand between Lucas and what he wanted.

"We talked about it." I said with force. "I'm done now."

He shook his head, "you don't want to be done with me. If you had you wouldn't have called me that night."

"You called me, remember?" I said, bitterness crept back into my voice. "I texted you, I gave myself to you, I gave up everything for you and you threw me out."

"I was hurting," he said, as if that was an excuse for everything. "You walked out on me, on us, on everything we'd built. Then suddenly I was supposed to just let everything wash away like water under the bridge? That's unfair, Allie."

"Then you should have talked to me." My voice was quickly rising and Sampson came over to lean against my leg. "You don't tell me you love me and then throw me and all my things out the front door. If you wanted this so badly you shouldn't have let me go."

"I tried to walk away and got as far as Monday night," he said. "By the time I'd gone to find you, you'd disappeared. I went to Charlie who wouldn't say a word."

"Thank God."

He glared at me and continued on. "Your mother was a nightmare to deal with, you're going to have hell to pay when you get back into town."

"Well doesn't that just endear you to me."

"I even called Julie."

That made me stop, they hated each other. He hated her more than any other person in my life.

"That's right," he said. "I called up Julie, even had coffee with her."

"Shut up," I said.

"I'm serious, we fucking bonded all because we are both worried about you."

"I don't believe you."

He threw his phone at me and surprisingly I caught it. "Call her."

"No," I said, putting it down on the island. "I don't care. You need to leave."

"We're a family now, we need to fix this," he said.

"We're not anything any more." The words sounded vicious and the moment I said them was the moment I realized how much of a lie they were.

"I don't believe you." He stepped closer and when I looked away he reached out to place a hand on my hip. "I think you're hurting, just like I am, and you're lashing out trying to hurt me the way that I hurt you."

"Is it working?" I said to the wall.

"Yes," he whispered. "I'm hurting too."

Tears came just about then, rolling down my face. Lucas leaned in to place a kiss on my forehead and I broke. I shattered into a dozen different pieces, bawling my eyes out and shaking in his arms when he pulled me into his embrace.

"I'm sorry," he said. The words were so soft, so gentle they pulled at my heartstrings. "I'm sorry I didn't know how to handle things. I'm sorry I got lost in the hurt. I'm sorry I didn't follow you sooner, it would have saved us a lot of hurt."

It took a significant amount of effort to follow his lead. "I'm sorry I walked away, I was scared that we were unhealthy."

"We probably were to a point." He brushed my wet hair back and rested his cheek on my head.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to call you."

"I called you, remember." There was a smile in his voice and we both laughed when I pinched his side.

"I'm sorry I've been hiding. I couldn't do life without you."

"So, don't do it without me," he said. "This is our chance to start fresh. We can be a family, an actual family, baby and all."

Reality hit me like a bucket of cold water. "You couldn't handle a baby Lucas." I pushed back, shaking my head.

"Why would you say that?" He sounded hurt, but I ignored him and turned to walk to the sink.

"Because babies are messy, dirty, and unpredictable. You have your routine, you need things clean and tidy. You'd get three days into fatherhood and decide it isn't for you."

"And that's it?" he said. "You're not even going to give me a chance?"

"It took you six months to touch me Lucas, it took you a year to have sex with me. What are you going to do when you have to change a diaper or pick up a screaming kid covered in vomit. If I'm going to be doing all the hard work, I'm better off alone."

"I can work on it," he said. A frantic tone took over and I heard him move closer but he didn't reach for me. "Mark and I can work on it, it won't always be like that."

"You don't want this."

"No," he said, breaking my heart. "I need this. I'm not letting you walk away again. Is it going to be easy? No, but that doesn't mean I don't want to do this with you. Allie, look at me."

It took a minute or two but I turned of my own free will. He looked panicked, just like I felt. Like he was standing at a ledge looking out at me, wanting to come to me, but couldn't see the path that would keep him from falling.

"Please don't do this. Please don't walk away again. It won't be like before, I've been getting better, you've seen that."

I had, he was, but I was still afraid.

"Go use the washroom Lucas, It's time you left."

"No." his body hit me so hard I stumbled back, but as always, Lucas caught me and sealed his mouth to mine. As good as it felt, I pulled back almost immediately. I didn't have the strength for this.

I shook my head. "Please leave." With sharp, impatient motions I wiped my tears away. He went to speak, but I cut him off. "I'm not doing this, you need to leave."

"No."

Lucas dropped his hands and took a step back, but that's as far as he went. Our gazes collided and what I saw in it shook me. I'd never seen that look before. He was determined, frightened, and hungry enough to devour me the second I let him in.

One hand moved up and undid the button of his cuff, slowly he rolled up his sleeve. "Kneel down." His words were said in a dark, husky voice that felt so much more intense with that unnerving look he had.

"No," I snapped. "I'm asking you to leave. I'm done fighting."

"And I'm telling you I'm not leaving," he said. "We're done fighting, we're done running away. We're going to do this the right way." Lucas reached for his other cuff and rolled his sleeve up.

"The right way." I scoffed and looked down at Sampson. "There is no right way."

"Why did you text me that night?"

I shrugged and said to Sampson, "I was out looking for someone and all I could think of was you."

"What did you want?"

I weighed my answer for awhile then, again, I shrugged. "I guess I thought we could go back to the way things used to be."

"Exactly," he said. "Get on your knees Alison. I'm not going to ask again."

My mind and my heart were battling each other, I didn't know what I wanted to do and it felt like such a hard decision. He was offering the one thing I needed most right now, but he'd also thrown me out without any explanation.

Slowly I dropped to my knees, with one arm wrapped around Sampson who tried to lick my face. Lucas watched me for a second, his face devoid of any and all emotion. Then he said, "Come on buddy." He gave Sampson a pat on the head and let him outside. Lucas had never touched Sampson before, Things really had changed.

Lucas came back and reached for me, gently running his hand through my damp hair. He was hard, it was impossible not to see it. My mouth started drooling and my hand reached out to play with the hem of his pants gently tugging to bring him closer. Just his touch alone was enough to light fires within me just like the old days.

One thumb came down and brushed softly against my lips. "Open for me," he said. Obediently my mouth fell open, his thumb reached in to run it over the tops of my teeth. I knew better than to do more than he asked, so I took no liberties and sat as still as I could when every nerve in my body danced like a massage chair.

His thumb hooked over the tops of my teeth bringing me closer. It flattened out and rubbed the top of my tongue. "Suck kitten." his whisper was enough to turn me from aroused to soaking wet and desperate.

My lips gently closed around him and my tongue ran a line down the underside of his thumb. Taking his hand, I moved it so I could easily slide up and down and then I sucked his thumb the way I wanted to suck his cock. His hand moved into my hair and he slowly pulled me back despite my little mewl of complaint.

"Patience kitten," Lucas said with a smile. "Good things come to those who wait." He reached down and undid his pants, letting them fall to the floor so he could step out of them. His underwear came next and suddenly I was shaking with need as he held up his shirt and stroked his cock.

He stepped forward and ran the tip of his cock across my lips, painting them with precum. I wanted to lick it off and taste him, but Lucas hadn't said I could. He let his cock run around my lips, over and over for a minute or so, then he gently pushed. "Open for me, kitten. Open for Daddy."

Before he was finished, I was opening my mouth to devour him. I started slowly sliding back and forth, taking more and more of that gorgeous cock with each trip in.

"God, " the word came out in a long hissing exhale. Strong hand slid into my hair and taking two fistful's and took control of the speed and depth. "So beautiful. Yes baby open wide for me, kitten."

His words were punctuated by a slow push down until my nose rested against his stomach. He let up, pulling me back gently. When he dropped out of my mouth I thought for a moment that we were done, but as if he knew Lucas took me by the hair and forced my eyes to his.