The rain has slowed to a drizzle; the sky is overcast, a brooding grey. It matches my mood. Awake before the alarm I stretch, then lay there deciding on a course of action. The smells of bacon and coffee are wafting in the air, Anna trying to entice me to the breakfast table. It's a late start because of the weather. But it's also Anna's last day of school.
I am hard as a rock, any other time I'd just jack; but, her words are stuck in my head "Don't cum!" I grab my robe and head for the shower. Its been a week. Carol Messer is all I can think about. I wash trying to just relax. It's not gonna work I turn off the hot water. I let the cold water run over me till I am shivering.
I'll see her today, its payday, she hands out the checks. That's nine hours from now and I have a lot to get done. I grab cotton boxers and my work jeans. It's gonna be hot and drizzly all day.
Anna knocks "five minutes to breakfast. How do you want your eggs?" Her normal chipper self.
"Wreck'em bloody. I'll be right there." I open the top drawer to grab a t-shirt, the envelope is there. There was twenty five hundred dollars in the envelope Carol Messer handed me. It was a lot more money than I usually pull in over a weekend. I kept five hundred put the rest in the bank for bills. I grab a hundred shoving it in my pocket.
I just keep giving over it.
"You will quite simply belong to me." Ms. Carol's words ring in my head.
I have been the adult in this house for over three years. Oh mom still lives here. But I haven't seen her sober ever that I can remember. I just took over when dad left. How can I belong to Carol Messer? I don't belong to anyone I don't answer to anyone. Whatever it has taken. I just do what has to be done.
My plate is heaped with food. The eggs have both salsa and cheese Anna Marie wants something she doesn't think I am gonna say yes to. "So spill it chickadee?" I say doing my best Groucho Marx impression even pretending to have a cigar. She laughs out loud a sweet tinkling sound I love.
"How'd you know?" She says wrinkling her brow and frowning extravagantly then doubling over in laughter again.
"Its not hard, you want something; you feed me. Like fattening a pig for slaughter." I laugh back knowing she'll slap me. "Really sweetheart what is it?" I cajole her.
"I can stay the whole summer at girl scout camp if I mentor the elementary girls. But you'd be here alone. And you can't cook." She finishes laughing once more this time at her own wit.
"Go, if you want to, you really should. You might not get this chance again. Once you give something up its gone. I take you next Saturday, right? I'll be fine. Maybe I'll get so lonely or hungry. I'll find a girlfriend." Anna has wanted me to date forever. I can't tell her why I don't. I sold my virginity and every other sexual experience I have ever had. Till that's over there will never be a "girlfriend."
"Remember you go home with Sophia today. Your graduation clothes are at her house. I will see you after commencement. Have a great day." I yell as she grabs her backpack and runs to Mrs. Mendes' mini van.
I grab my garment bag and head for the barn. I need a shower and change. It's been a long day in the drizzling rain. I am hot wet tired and glad for the facilities here.
Messer's is huge. It started as a nursery then they added landscaping. When Carol Findier married Frank Messer she already had a successful property management group. Adding a construction group was a natural during the housing boom. Carol Messer is the brains, Frank Messer the brawn. They have been very successful. Some estimate they may be worth over a hundred million dollars.
I am last in line to grab my check, standing there looking at my watch. I am really going to have to hurry to get to Anna's graduation. As I get closer, I can't help but stare at Carol. Her chestnut hair has strands of white just over her ears, it's pulled back and captured in a silver cage with several pins sticking out of it. The end of each pin is a peace rose in various stages of bloom.
Her blue eyes almost glow, her makeup soft and natural. She smiles and says hi to every employee. She is almost always smiling. Her nose is delicate there are freckles across the bridge. Her teeth are straight in the way teeth that have had braces are straight. I think this may be the first time I have really looked at her.
She is wearing a simple cream sheath dress it is perfectly tailored. Her wrists and waist are tiny. The v-neck is deep enough and wide enough to expose a small amount of her cleavage, just two soft mounds. Her dress stops well above her knees exposing long shapely legs. She looks perfectly at ease in her four inch pumps.
Finally it's my turn Carol hands me my pay envelope smiling "Don't forget to get flowers for Anna from the Greenhouse. Tell her congratulations from her family at Messer's." Handing me a second envelope "this is for her."
I arrive just as commencement begins. I stand against the back wall near the bleachers. It's been four years since I graduated and moved on to high school. It's the last event my parents attended together. I was happy then; now most days I don't feel anything.
Anna will never face the choices I have made. I will get her through high school and university, from there well who knows. We deserve parents. She'll have to settle for a brother and a future. I see her 5looking for me; so, I step into the light from the exit sign. She sees me her shoulders relax and a smile lights up her face. She is my heart my reason to keep breathing.
I wonder if mom bothered to show up. I can't decide if it would be good or bad I guess that really depends on how drunk she is. Anna is given three student awards. She is so smart. She wants to be a corporate attorney. Who knows that at thirteen?
I am leaned up against the wall in the cafeteria when Anna and Sophia basically tackle me in a hug. I hand them each a bouquet, Roses in baby's breath for Sophia and daisies with ferns and twigs for Anna. Both girls gush thank you and run off to show Mrs. Mendes, Sophia's mom. I have a bouquet of purple tulips for her. She is a God send. Then I see mom across the room she is visibly intoxicated. Damnit, just Damnit, time for damage control.
I find Mrs. Mendes give her the flowers and simply point at my mom. She is flirting outrageously with a young male teacher laughing too loud.