I have known him for a long time, but I am realizing that he wants to control me. Not all the time, but there are times when he wants total control. I thought I knew so much about him but the more I am learning, the more scared and aroused I am becoming. I am not sure why I feel both at the same time. Sometimes when we talk it is normal, but then there are times I recognize that he wants me to call him Master. I know there are times he wants me to be the one in control. I need to learn how to switch. I need to learn to be submissive when he is the Master.
He has raped me twice but we always had a safe word. When the pain was too much I could use the word and he would stop using force and finish. It was so frightening and arousing at the same time and I would try to fight him off, even though I knew deep down I was no match. My need for control made me fight as hard as I could, even knowing I did not have the strength. I did not want to make it easy for him. He knows what physically hurts me and how much I can take.
Then I made a mistake. I told him next time there would be no safe word. Now he has become my Master. He tells me I have no idea what he is capable of doing to me, and I know he cares for me, but he won't care about me when he is raping me. I will just be some whore that he is intent on hurting, for his sexual pleasure. He is now my Master and I cannot go back. I left to meet him in Vegas for a few nights. I was so excited to see him but I could feel myself scared at the same time. I brought everything with me that he told me to bring. I brought the outfit he told me to buy, and the collar and leash he told me to buy, and a few other things.
I was shaking as I entered the hotel and got the key he had left for me at the front desk. He was already here and I did not know what he would be like when I entered the room. It was a warm day in Vegas so I wore tight jeans and a tank top and sandals for the drive. I figured I would dress up later when we went out, in the outfit he told me to wear.