January, 2007
Tolstoy said that every happy family is happy in the same way but each unhappy family is unique in its misery. Local winters are unhappy families and this winter is very unhappy. This has been one of the driest winters on record – the first real snowfall came three weeks ago on Western Christmas, just like in some movie. It's also cloudy and grey and dirty. Everyone is waiting for the massive blizzards that usually follow this sort of thing. Sniffles and coughs are everywhere.
I'm sitting in a coffeehouse around the corner from my office, drinking green tea with jasmine with a man of about my age. He speaks rapidly and quietly, so I have to make him repeat himself. He is nondescript, handsome without being headturning, well-built without being imposing, sharply dressed without being flashy. He reminds me of someone and it nags me for several months afterwards until I watch Casino Royale and realize he looks like Daniel Craig playing a character who has not revealed himself yet as obviously lethal. He always smiles and he seems totally at home chatting with me. It's the only reason I stay cool throughout this conversation.
His name is Stepa, and he is renowned among the cognoscenti of the local community as the premier local expert on how to flog a woman to whatever level is agreed between the people at both ends of the knout. About two months ago, I contacted him by email and introduced myself, and after a bit of email trades in which he shared pictures of his favorite masochists, we'd come down to arranging a cup of tea to discuss an idea I had.
So, he says to me as he blows on his tea, let me get this straight. You have a lady friend that you want to learn how to beat, and you want me to test her out alone first to see if she really likes it?
I nod. My two little buddies are sitting on either shoulder. Wicked is grinning and Gentle is on the phone.
Stepa smiles as the waitress comes back to see if we need anything else. She is one of those girls that still thinks she has a career in theatre or dance and is keeping her tight little body in shape for the day that she gets her big break. She's got a sweet face hardened to a professional sheen. Stepa in his soft little voice tells her he would be grateful if she left us alone for ten minutes, and avoided seating anyone near us because we were talking man business. Even here, that line would earn at least a displeased look from service personnel. Except the way he says it doesn't sound rude. The girl blushes and puts her head to one side like she's having an ear tickled, says of course, Sir, and walks away with this perfect aerobics-instructor-peach-ass of hers twitching. Stepa times it perfectly – he is watching her ass long enough to make her feel it, but turns his face back to me just as the waitress gives in to the temptation to see if her sweet little can managed to attract a man who dismissed her like a plaything ten seconds ago. What she sees is the grin of a man who knows what to do with a woman, and what appears to be complete disinterest in her. She will take every opportunity to come by – wiping off the sparkling clean tables near us, walking customers past us on the long way to their tables – and he will never again acknowledge her.
I need to know why you want to do it this way, he asks me.
Gentle and Wicked both shrug, their signal for Fuck it, go with the truth.
So. She's a pro and she likes me. I've been seeing her for about five years, on and off. She's got a fellow she's serious about who doesn't know what she does for a living, and I figure soon she'll be off for good when he is smart enough to marry her. I have done X, Y and Z with her – she always puts up with it. Now the only thing left that I want to do to her is beat her until she screams for me to stop, but I need to know that she's into it. Either her character or her profession prevents her from telling me no if in fact she does not. I'm coming to you because you do not have a relationship with her and you can probably tell me if she is a real masochist. So I'd like you to visit her, if she agrees, and work her over up to an agreed point and then tell me afterwards if she got off on it. If so, I'd like to visit her together with you and have you teach me what you did so I can do it. If not, there's nothing left for me to do to her. I know, it sounds fucked up, doesn't it.
Stepa has been holding his tea cup in mid-lift through this little monologue, and now he leans on it, blowing. I can smell the jasmine. He smiles that cryptic Sphinx grin. Not all, he says. A true Thematic needs only two things. Imagination – and honesty. Everything else gets in the way.
I absorb this as he sips.
So, says Stepa. Do you trust me with your girl?
I think. Actually, I check out the devils, both of whom are nodding. We've spoken to his devil, they say. It's a go.
Only one devil? I ask. They laugh. He's a fucking local, Wicked smirks. Generally one is too many for these fuckers.
Relax, chief, Gentle says. He's not tortured, not like –
#5? Wicked teases.
Fuck you. I was going to say like chief here.
I ignore them. Now to the needful question, which I try to deliver as suavely as possible: how much?
Stepa shrugs. Here's the deal. I'll call your girl and tell her you recommended me. If she's up for it, I'll go see her. That's on my account. If she's no good, you owe me – I pick the girl, you pay, I take the first half of the session and then you can have the second. If this Jasmine girl is good, you have to bring me along the next time on your wallet – I take the first half, you have the second. Sounds fair?
Sounds fair. So when do you want to call?