Finding Myself at Usf

Having been enchanted by her tale of a mysterious man, I tried to push my thoughts back into the present, but knew that I wasn't going to succeed. His email addressed had been burned into my brain: thecyberpoet. So had his poetry.

We ate and I steered the conversation into filling Yvette in on what was happening back at home, what she missed out on.

"Remember Bobby Dunn, the tight end?" I prompted.

"You mean Bobby 'with the tight end' Dunn, the football player?" She quipped. We both laughed uproariously.

I continued, "Yeah, that Bobby. Well, you remember how he was seeing Cindi? It turns out that during that graduation kegger everyone went to, he managed to get Cindi drunk and finally took her virginity in the back of his dad's pick-up camper. She ended up pregnant from that first time and her family insisted that she keep it. They got married in the middle of August, just before she started showing, and he dropped his plans for Emory Riddle to get a job to support the two of them."

Yvette's face lit up with a look of disbelief... "Oh-my-gawd! I can't believe that people can be that stooopiddd about it."

I shot back, with the same disbelief "Yeah, well you're a fine one to talk -- weren't you just telling me that this Derrick wasn't using one either?"

"Once I realized it, I made him stop and use one. But I wasn't thinking straight, or really even there with him for that matter!"

"I doubt Cindi was either -- she was very drunk and giggly before she disappeared at the party, and I know that Bobby had been waiting for over a year to score with her," I explained.

"You'd think that in a year, he would have found the time at least once to buy a box of condoms," Yvette said, and then we both laughed until the seriousness of it struck us -- then we both stopped laughing at the same instant.

Finally, I blurted out a question that had been bugging me. "So what are you using for birth control now? Are you on the pill finally?"

"Finally? I was on the pill all through high school. I think that's why my breasts grew the way they did. I went off them at the end of my first semester here, after I saw how serious AIDS, well, HIV is and what the risk factors were for our age-group. I decided I was going to use condoms anyway, so why bother screwing around with my hormones anymore? You understand what I mean, right Carolina?"

I nodded and thanked God that I hadn't had to get an abortion the one time that my boyfriend accidentally got me pregnant -- the stress of telling my parents was enough to cause the pregnancy to fail.

"Yvette, you know that I got pregnant by Karl, right?"

"Yes, dear. Don't you remember the phone bills and how I came home the next weekend to 'visit'? It wasn't a case of homesickness, like I said. I wanted to be there for you, Carolina."

I turned pale and then blushed. "No, I didn't know. I just thought it was good timing... I guess I was too wrapped up in what was happening to realize that. I really appreciated you being there... God, I feel so stupid for not seeing that before!"

Yvette took a sip of her drink and looked into my eyes, and then spoke, "you know I will always be there for you, right? After all, we're like peas in a pod, two fish in can, two seeds in a joint, we're like this." She crossed her fingers.

I laughed. The reference was to an old, stupid joke about two race horses, Moe and Joe, and I felt better. I also knew that she had just lightened the conversation back up and was amazed at how well she managed to change the entire mood of our conversation.

She continued after a small pause...

"Anyway, to answer your question, no, I'm not any form of birth control, and in my situation, I don't need any, although I am really enjoying my sex life."

She grinned. In my mind, I immediately thought that maybe she had become a lesbian. I mean, after all, two girls can't get each other pregnant, right? Then again, she had always said that she was 'strictly dickly'. Two years is a long time at our age...

Emmaline, our waitress, came over again to check on us and to get us to ring out, since she was getting ready to clock out from her shift. I got out my purse, but Yvette beat me to it and took out a credit card which she handed Emmaline. The waitress turned and left to go ring it all up.

I asked, "should I at least get the tip?"

"Don't worry about it, it's taken care of already. Actually, our whole bill is already taken care of."

Another server stopped by and introduced herself as Karen and checked to see if we needed anything. After taking our order for refills on our drinks, she turned and left, too.

"I really feel guilty that you are ruining your credit rating on me, Yvette."

"Don't be. Anyway, I'm not, silly. This is a 'special' card."

"Special? What do you mean, you aren't intended on paying it?" I asked, curiously.

"Yes and No. I don't pay for it, but it will get paid, and I can only use it for certain types of things. I think this is a good place for me to continue with my story of the mystery man."

Just then Emmaline came back and was carrying our drink order, as well as the credit card slip. She put the drinks on the table, put the card and the slip down in front of Yvette, and then -- I think, but I couldn't tell for sure because of the angle -- winked at Yvette. She turned and walked away, and my eyes followed her long flowing hair for a minute, watching her drop her tray on the bar and pick up a jacket, then she waved at us and walked out.

I couldn't put my finger on it, but everything was weird in this surreal way. Way Yvette gay -- and was Emmaline her gay lover? How come she had a credit card that she could use for our meal, but didn't have to pay for it? And who was this mysterious poet? Or for that matter, why didn't she have to sign the credit card receipt? I backed myself into the corner of the bench and the wall, kind of retreating from whatever came next, but found myself leaning forward to hear what she would say.

[NEXT PAGE]

Yvette took out a small folder from her purse and laid it down, then removed a couple pages and closed the folder again. She placed the pages face-down in front of her, taking obvious care not to get them wet in the condensation that had come off our glasses.

"Let's see, where did I leave off? Oh, yes, now I remember. Anyway, after I came back from that special place, I walked to the shower and took a long hot one, then laid back down and took a nap. He was there, in my dreams, standing over my bed, watching me in my sleep with a peaceful smile on His face. I don't remember sleeping that well for eons.

"When I awoke, it was already quite late and it was still finals week here, so I got out the books and started studying for my last two finals, taking notes and reading intently. I did all right at first, but then my tummy rumbled that I was hungry and although I tried to ignore it, it got the best of me. I called 5-star, one of the better local pizza joints, and ordered, then tried to go back to studying, hoping they would deliver quickly. I promised myself a break as soon as the food got here. Back into the books... bla bla bla. Finally, the knock came on the door, and I threw on a robe, grabbed some money and paid him.

"Keeping true on my promise, I stopped studying and plopped down in front of the TV to watch some mind numbing stuff as I started to devour the pizza. I flipped through all the channels once, and then was stuck by the desire to read some more of what He had written. I logged into my AOL account and pulled up the mail I had forwarded to myself earlier -- feeling no longer naughty for doing so, just hungry and curious. Here is the next letter I read."

Yvette turned over the first page so that it was facing me. I let my eyes cast downward to it and started reading and she took another sip of her drink.

Andreas, I refuse to give up, but some days I'm just not as motivated as others. I will find her. I guess you've already gone home for the summer. I hope this note catches you in good spirits, back in Cyprus. The morning sun dawned through the crack of the blind, the shifting rays only serving again to remind, that another night had been spent thinking of the quest, and my steadfast refusal to settle for second best. The need that burns like a fire deep within my skin, and the errant ways that we sometimes follow on whim. Will today be the day, I ask the sun's piercing ray, Will today I be done, hope sparked fore the setting sun, of having found what I seek, or know I not of what I speak? She will be the world to me, cherished in every way, you see, loved in all the roles a woman can take, careful, lest I her soul and spirit I do rape. She will live on a pedestal, but at my feet, again, I ask, is this the day we shall meet? Does she wake, just as I my sleep do take, perhaps moving to the opposite cycle, oh, that would be unrightful... but life. Hmmm... =-= M "He is talented, Yvette."

"Oh, yes He is..."

Her eyes got this far-away look for a moment, and her body shook slightly, then returned to focus on me. I shifted back to the center of the bench, relaxing a bit. I was envious of her collection of his poetry, his thoughts, and then I laughed at myself because I realized these had not been written specifically for her... Or had they, without her knowing?

Yvette, having come out of her reverie, continued...

"With each word that He wrote, it just drew me deeper into Him, into the curiosity and... well, I guess longing would be the right word... to be the woman He speaks of in His writings. I pulled His profile and checked for a web page, and low-and-behold, there was one, but it wasn't the same as what He had written before. It even had a picture of him, his eyes piercing directly into mine, intently looking deep into my soul, shedding away any pretenses of who I like to think I am, and seeing the real me. His wording there was the same way, almost as if the words had been formed to reassure me that He was real, attainable. I refused to believe that He was what I saw, yet I knew even then that He was exactly what He claimed to be.

"Sitting there, staring at Him, His gaze meeting mine, I was drawn into him, and I suddenly came. I don't know why, and I have never done that before without any physical stimulation, but a small orgasm ripped right through the core of my being -- I swore that I felt Him standing behind me, His breath on the nape of my neck. Maybe it was from being so tired and stressed about my exams. Or perhaps it was something they put in the pizza by accident. Or maybe it was something that my animal-brain understood that I didn't consciously comprehend. Either way, it moved me so very deeply, and totally threw me off balance. I quickly looked through my open bedroom door to make sure none of my roommates had seen me, but they were all either asleep or at all night-cram sessions getting ready for their last finals."

Yvette squirmed in her seat and I could see a faint hint of sweat starting to form on her brow. I stopped and looked at her closely for few seconds, almost from a clinical perspective, raising my glass to cover my stare, and I noticed that her nipples threatened to rip through her blouse, and that one of them appeared to be bigger than the other -- or was that a piercing? It just added to my confusion about her, but I was dying to hear a bit more and to read more of His poetry.

Yvette settled down and started telling me more, with my attention fully devoted to her and her story. I hardly noticed when she waved away the new server.

"I was sitting there, with my chair soaked from my wetness, unable to move for several minutes. Then I got ahold of myself and reached up and killed the power to the monitor. It's almost as if a spell had been broken. I blinked my eyes over and over, in a state of disbelief. I wondered if He knew what just happened, and the chided myself for thinking that. He didn't even know who I was!

"I returned to my studying, but I wasn't able to concentrate at all. His stare kept interrupting me, and I finally gave up and went to bed... only to dream of Him again. This time, He was laying there with me, pulling me up against Him, spooning His body around mine and holding Me closely as I slept."

I closed my eyes and imagined the feeling...

To Be Continued...