"Yes, sex is troublesome and beautiful. And only whenβ¨we drop our expectations, and know that we'll have momentsβ¨of great sex and moments when our sexuality confounds,β¨pains, or infuriates us, will we be liberated to enjoy itβ¨in a way that's true to ourselves."
--Alexandra Katehakis
CHAPTER 15
It was a week or so after my night with Ossie and I realized that the day of the new Society meeting was closing in. Ossie had called the next day surprised that I had left during the night. I told him that it had nothing to do with him and it was more about me and where I was with my own fears and relationship issues. We talked for a while about many things, but in the end, we agreed that we had a fun night but that we would keep it more as friends from this point on.
I also realized that I hadn't called or talked to anyone about leaving the Society. I thought that maybe Brooke or V had mentioned it to someone in charge, but I never explicitly told them to do so, so I wasn't sure. As a result, about a week before the event, just when I figured that I wouldn't hear anything and that I was done with the Society, I received a call from one of the dominants at the Society.
"Elizabeth," the call began, "this is Frederick Hartman, from the Society. You might remember me as Mr. F. I was the one who had hosted the shibari session the first night you came to see us, the one with the woman posed as the blossoming of a tree, remember?"
"Oh of course, Mr. F, how are you? That was a beautiful display!" I was both surprised and delighted to hear from him, and that was reflected in my tone.
"Thank you, I'm flattered you remember," he replied. "In any event, that's not why I was calling. You are scheduled to be auctioned off this next Friday night as you search for a new Dominant. Are you still interested in doing this?"
I stammered, not really knowing what to say. "Um ... I'm not so sure anymore Mr. F. To tell you the truth, I was actually planning to leave the Society."
"What? No, please no!" He begged. "Please, Elizabeth, don't let what happened with one person spoil you with us. We have so much more to offer. Just think about us and what you really want to do. We've all been informed that you are no longer with A, and there are several dominants that have enquired about you. Maybe you'll find one that's a better fit. We'd hate to lose you."
"Can I think about it, Mr. F?"
"Absolutely. Take your time. If you don't want to be auctioned, that's fine, that doesn't have to happen Friday, or even at all if you don't want to. I can cancel it at any time. But please, please don't leave altogether."
"Thank you, Mr. F, that means a lot. I'm glad you called."
"I'm glad I got to speak to you as well, Elizabeth. This is my private number, so feel free to keep it in your contact list. Call me anytime if you have any questions, any questions at all, about anything, Society or anything else."
"Thank you Mr. F, I will." That was nice of him to offer. He seems like less of a truly harsh or strict dominant, and more like a sensual artist. I thought about calling him later and talking to him about domination and submission in general, just to get his outlook, but I didn't know if I was ready to really open up to him about everything.
Regardless, according to Mr. F, I was still a part of the Society. That is, if I wanted to be. Mr. F gave me some time to think about it, so I began to do exactly that. Over the next few days, I weighed the options for and against continuing in the Society. After a day of reflection, I decided I would probably just go to Society events and see where it might lead, always reserving the ability to say no if the fit wasn't right. The deciding factor for me about this had nothing to do with Aaron. I brought it down to base interests. I had not investigated my interest here solely for Aaron. I investigated this for me. I would be giving too much to Aaron by just dropping all of this altogether. It would be admitting this is all about him, where it really should be the opposite. Granted, I hadn't come to the realization about his fiancΓ© until recently, but that just made it more about something that *I* had to do for *me*.
This auction, though, that was a more difficult decision. On one hand, it was exciting, not knowing what dominant guy I would be sold to and what they would want from me. It was a way to maybe do some things that I might never do otherwise, realize some interest that I hadn't yet considered, since I would be sold to someone over who I had no control or say. On the other hand, that was a detriment too. I had no idea who it would be, whether I would like that person, and I worried whether I could actually do what they wanted if it was something extreme. Add to that the moral problem I faced -- was I ready to have sex with an absolutely, complete stranger? It would be fine if Mr. V won, or Mr. F, but what about someone I had not even met yet? I had certainly always held myself to a much higher standard, but my standards had definitely changed as much as my own sexuality and interests.
After pondering this for several days, I finally reached a decision. I was in this already and if I ended it now, I knew I'd never take a step in this direction ever again. On top of that, I would always wonder what would have happened if I had stayed and didn't walk away. I rationalized that I owed it to myself to see this through, to see if it was something I wanted to do long term or whether it was just a passing phase. Rationalization aside, I think I was enjoying the new sexual freedom as it were, and I didn't really want to see that part of it end. I wondered if I could go back to the normal dating scene, which now sounded somewhat boring and routine.
Therefore, I called Mr. F and let him know that I was still interested and ready to proceed with the auction. He was pleased and even surprised I wanted to, he told me. He thanked me for letting him know, telling me he would make sure it was set up and he would let all the dominants know. He said that some would be available in person, some via phone for those who couldn't be there but wanted to participate. I asked if it those not there would see on a video or facetime or anything similar. He reassured me that as with anything else in the Society, there would be no cameras or video so I was completely safe in that regard. In fact, even the phones were all normal lines, so there was no chance someone could send video. The members all want their privacy, too.