Finding Home: Renewal

This is an addition to my Nathan and Cassy stories. The events in "Renewal" occur immediately after Cassy comes home from the clinic. Now is the time when Nathan and Cassy must figure out what parts of their life together they wish to keep and what must be discarded.

Both know that there will have to be sweeping changes in the dynamic of their relationship. Their first day together is a gentle time of getting to know each other again and experimenting with new ways of connecting.

Enjoy, xantu.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Cassy stood waving as Jesus followed Cam down the driveway. Cam had insisted on riding his motorcycle home and Jesus, complaining bitterly, had squeezed into Cam's little sports car to drive it back. Nathan's arms were protectively wrapped around her shoulders. Cassy leaned back and sighed.

It had taken a lot of fast talking, but she finally convinced all three men that she was not going to go back to the clinic, at least not for a few days. She had to promise Cam to keep up her journal. Cam made Nathan promise if she started to act anxious or depressed to haul her back to the clinic, whether she was cooperating or not.

Cassy turned in Nathan's arms and snuggled her face into his chest, inhaling deeply his familiar smell. "Alone at last. I love them. I need them, but this just feels so right."

It had been a busy night and a busier morning. Neither one of them had gotten much sleep. Cassy felt drained and now, after all her insistence at staying with Nathan, unsure of herself. He leaned down and rested his head in her hair. "What now, little one?"

"I am tired. Could we just take a nap?"

"You and me both. I think that is a great idea."

As they entered into the house Cassy started to turn down the stairs, heading for the little unfurnished room with the pile of blankets that had been her room since she came to live with Nathan. His hands tightened on her and held her back. "Where do you think you are going?" His voice held a note of displeasure and the old familiar hint of steel.

Cassy froze, feeling again the confusion and uncertainty about what to do. Everything was changing so quickly, none of the old familiar patterns seemed to provide the safety they once had. Her eyes flashed up at his, a wave of panic seemed to well up from nowhere. Just like the first days of her surrender to him, a long series of shivers began to shake her.

She tried to answer but when she opened her mouth, no sound came out.

Nathan looked at her and smiled gently, "You are not to sleep down there anymore. I will require that you share my bed."

Cassy felt a wave of warmth and safety. "Yes sir."

"Let's get that nap."

Under the covers, Cassy snuggled up close and warm to his chest, closing her eyes and trying to force herself to sleep. Her whole body screamed at her to rub and push harder against him. She thought that she must be crazy, she had had so much sex yesterday her legs were still shaky and yet the sensation of his skin against hers triggered her hunger again. It took a long time for her to fall asleep.

The dream was new. It was dark and she could not see anything. She was hiding, hiding from something. She could hear a baby crying, shrieking in terror and pain. She wanted it to stop. She had her hands over her ears, why wouldn't it stop?

She woke to feeling Nathan's hands on her, stroking her. She was in a tiny ball shuddering in horror. His voice was soft and concerned, "Cassy, come on, wake up. Wake up."

"Oh god, oh no..." Her voice cracked and a sob shook her and another, deep wracking sobs that came from her very center. Nathan pulled her to him, sitting up and holding her in his lap, rocking and crooning.

When she finally could stop, she took a deep shuddering breath. "I'm sorry. I guess having me sleep here might be a little rough sometimes."

He kept holding her close. "You always had dreams, but when I would wake you up, you did not ever remember dreaming. You never cried out, just thrashed around a lot in bed. You were always rough to sleep with."

"I could go downstairs."

Again his voice held the steel, "I did not ask you if you wanted to sleep with me. I said I require you to sleep with me. Don't try my patience. Now tell me about the dream."

"There was a baby crying, screaming in pain and I wanted it to stop, but it kept screaming and screaming. All I wanted was for it to stop. I think somehow I was wishing that my mother would make it stop." Cassy whimpered. "I wanted her to kill them."

"No you didn't. You were a tiny baby girl. You did not even understand what death was. All you knew was that you were afraid. She was the only powerful person in your world. You could not fight her. You could only run away, run away inside your head. Remember that she is gone and she cannot hurt you anymore."

Cassy let the words soak into her. "I wish I could have done something. I was too afraid to help them."

"There was nothing you could have done. You did the only thing you could. You survived and I am glad you did. I am hungry; let's go get something to eat."

Nathan pulled her from the bed, their bed Cassy thought to herself, and kissed her on the forehead. "You need to keep up your journal or Cam will come and give us hell. We will get you your own computer but until we do, you will have to use mine." He gave her a little push towards his office. "You work on that and I will get dinner." He gave her a firm swat oh her ass. Cassy felt giggle of delight well up at the familiar sensation.

"Yes sir."

"Use the link on the desktop marked Cam. Inside is my journal. Just add to the bottom of what I have written. Mark it as being from you." As he turned to toward the kitchen he threw over his shoulder, "Go ahead and read what I have written if you want."

Cassy looked at him, her eyes big. He had, in an apparently off hand manner, opened his most secret thoughts to her. She knew that it had been neither casual nor thoughtless. This new Nathan wanted her to know. "Yes sir."

Cassy sat down at his over sized computer monitor. It took some getting used to, to learn how to use the large print and scrolling page. Nathan had it set up so he did not have to use his glasses to see the print on the screen. Cassy opened his journal, suddenly shy and reluctant to read. The last entry to his journal was a letter, a letter to her.

Dear Cassy, little one, pretty slut,

I got your letter, of course little one, the money is easy. We will get you a credit card and some weekly cash for little things. I only ask that you save the credit card receipts. I reserve the right to veto something I think is unattractive.

I am not sure why you think you need my phone number? It should already be on your phone where I have left a message for you. I will call you again.

Those were easy to talk about and typically I saved the hardest wish for last. About Jesus, it took so long to even be able to breathe after he left the last time. He had always come back. I literally found myself holding my breath listening for his motorcycle in the driveway. You are right, I still love him but you have no idea how hard it was to learn how to survive without him, to give up hope. It felt like my very life was bleeding out of me every day I waited.

Sweet Cassy, you talk about how I saved your life. You were the only thing that could have healed me. You are the perfect opposite of Jesus and yet you soothed that wound in my heart.

You ask me to risk again, and I will. I just want you to know how much you are asking me to risk. I will try to do this because I love you.

Cassy inhaled sharply, blinking back tears.

Be forewarned, little one, Jesus never does anything half way. He is a force of nature. He can be exhausting to have around. He has endless energy.

The letter ended there. Cassy sat looking at the screen for a long time, wondering if she had read this letter if she would have been brave enough to bring Jesus home. But it had happened, and it had turned out magically.

Nathan had called her and wanted to talk to her about this face to face. She had decided to have Jesus bring her, having Jesus join into the talk. They had talked and then they had come together in a way that had been so loving and so intense the memory brought tears to her eyes.

Cassy told herself that it had been Nathan who had asked Jesus to come back, to live there with them and Nathan had never ever been impulsive about anything. She wondered if this wasn't part of this was part of the 'nothing halfway' that Nathan had tried to talk about in his letter.

All this had made this letter an afterthought, a footnote.

She wrote about her dream. The feeling of horror at wanting the babies to be quiet, wishing that someone would just stop their noise. She also wrote how Nathan's words reminding her that she had been powerless to cause anything to happen had helped. She wrote that having him there helped and that she was glad he had decided she should sleep with him. The thought of waking up alone from that dream frightened her.

Cassy made sure to thank Cam for letting her stay with Nathan, and asked him to say hi to Windy for her.

Cassy walked to the kitchen door and looked at Nathan, he was busy putting together a familiar dinner, broiling a couple of chicken breasts and making a salad. For once she looked forward to his cooking. She moved to sit at her usual chair, "I read the letter you were writing to me."

He continued to put together the salad, "Kind of a moot point now."

"Not really, it helps me understand how you were feeling."

"Scared?"

"Not only scared, brave too and loving."

During the rest of the dinner they talked about the big house, about what kinds of things would be fun to have in their new home. Nathan mentioned that there was a swimming pool out back that had not been filled in his memory. Cassy was thrilled about the idea of having a swimming pool.

After they were done eating Cassy jumped up and cleaned up, feeling ridiculously happy at being able to do this familiar simple task that made her feel so much at home.

"Let's go talk in the library." Cassy nodded and followed him in and curled up on her pillow next to his big chair. "No, come sit in my lap. I want to hold you while we talk."

Cassy felt a thrill of happiness. She sinuously crawled up into his lap. She tried to curl up and press her face against his neck but his hands grew hard on her. "No straddle me, spread your knees and straddle my legs. Sit back and look at me. I want you close so I can look into your face."

Cassy carefully arranged herself on sat back on his knees. She looked deep into his eyes, once more thinking to herself about how blue they are, oh so blue. Nathan smiled and gently kissed her, a soft single touch and leaned back. "Comfortable?"

"Yes."

"Good. Cam asked me why... why did I needed this Master/slave relationship with you... why I would hurt you... why did I need to control you so completely. It's been hard for me to put into words. He asks if it is purely sexual, and I know that that was not the primary need. The structure of our life together, the things I did with you were intimate and intense but it had become less and less sexual." Nathan paused and then took a deep breath. "I think it was a way I could be intimate with you without feeling vulnerable. All the time I was with you I fought letting my guard down, tried to control my feelings for you." He stopped and shook his head, "I don't know if I am saying this right. It just seemed that I needed you and I feared it at the same time."

Cassy sat, statue still looking into those magical blue eyes, almost mesmerized by his words.

"When Jesus spanked you, what need did it meet? You said to us that you needed it."

Cassy inhaled slowly and frowned thinking back to yesterday, once more leaning over the big strong man's legs, his hand so strong and hard, the pain and the love all mixed up together. Nathans hands holding hers, his eyes so close to her face watching her then as he was watching her now. She had begged for Jesus to keep spanking her, needing more even when it was beyond bearing without sobs.

"Why did I say I needed it? It was like taking a shower, like it washed me clean. I also wanted to see if I could," she paused groping for words, "...could feel it. Before... before I went to the clinic, to Cam, it got so I couldn't feel it. I was numb to almost everything. I need to see if I could feel it without fading away, hiding inside my head again."

"Did you like it?"

"No, not while he was spanking me. It wasn't the fun play spanking. It was really different. It hurt like hell but afterwards I felt better, like I said before, cleaner, happier."

"Before you went to the clinic, did you find anything we did erotic?"

"Erotic? Sexy? Maybe at first, but not in the last year or so. Everything was dull, cloudy during that last year. It's hard for me to remember those times clearly. It's like trying to look into a smoky room. And everything was like I was on the outside of a window looking in, trying to see but not quite being able to."

"The things you remember from the beginning, the first, what were they?"

Again Cassy took a deep breath, trying to force herself back to those first few weeks and months together. "Your touches... your hands on me, guiding me... your words of encouragement and approval... your kisses and your skin... it was always your skin as it touched mine that was my sweetest pleasure."

It was Nathan's turn to take a deep breath; Cassy could feel his body tense. "And all the times we made love, you felt nothing?"

Cassy jerked her head back, her eyes wide with shock and denial. Her voice protesting, "That's not true! That was never true. Did Cam say that? He didn't say that, did he?"

"You didn't orgasm."

Cassy's shoulders slumped, "I tried, but I couldn't." She straightened and her voice determined, she pushed back against the sense of failure. "That does not mean I didn't feel anything. I loved you. I loved making love to you. I didn't care about orgasms; all I cared about was being close to you, feeling you next to me, inside me. The only thing I did not like was the feeling like I was a failure, a liar."

Cassy continued, "It wasn't your fault. I was numb, dull, lost." She gulped down a soft sob. "I hid that from you. I kept that secret."

Nathan pulled her close, "Had I thought to ask, you would have told me the truth."

Cassy nodded against his neck, "I never could lie to you."

Nathan hugged her. "Thank you for letting me ask to you about these things. They were in the past and now we need to think about now. We need to figure out what we want now."

Once again he pulled her to look in his face, "Lately has there been anything you want to have, or have thought about, not only sexual but everyday things."

Cassy nodded, this was the thing that Cam had been pushing her to think about a lot lately. "I want to talk. I don't want to have to have permission to talk to you. I want to ask you questions."

"I want to be able to call you Master, but not all the time, just when I need you to help me or I feel it is appropriate. I want to be able to go visit my friends, Momma and Windy."

Cassy snuggled close to him. "I absolutely need to be held like this, a lot." Her voice lowered to a low angry whisper. "Could you get rid of my apartment? I never, ever want to go there again."

Nathan stroked his hand up and down her back. "Sure, little one, all those things are all easy." He slipped his hand down and cupped her bottom his fingers softly tracing the valley between her thighs.

Cassy sighed and wriggled against his hands. "I like having both you and Jesus make love to me. I love watching you together. It touches my heart and it turns me on a lot." Her voice dropped and she licked her lips. "Sometimes Windy asks me to do things with her. I think about that, what that would be like."

Nathan chuckled, "Every guy's favorite fantasy, finding out his girlfriend is just a little bit lesbian. If you want to be with her, I have no objection as long as you tell me about it, or better yet invite me along."

Cassy looked up at his face, a soft startled look in her eyes. "Girlfriend?"

Nathan looked at her and for just a second looked confused and then laughed. "Girl friend? Well yes, I guess so, but a hell of a lot more than that." Nathan looked thoughtful, and then laughed again, "Just don't call me boyfriend, that just sounds weird." His voice was suddenly serious, "Cassy, little one, you said once that I would always have a place in the center of your heart. That is true for me as well. I love you."

Nathan touched her nose and smiled. "Yes, I love Jesus and Cam, but it seems like now that love is filtered through my feelings for you. Jesus and I have always loved each other but it was destructive. We both fought against it, against each other. Only now with you here is it safe enough for us to stop struggling against the truth."

"With you here, Jesus is not half so much intimidating, you make him gentler, less intense. At the same time you make me more confident, less insecure. I can have people in my life that I love without feeling terrified that they are going to leave me."

Nathan leaned down and very gently traced his lips across her eyelids. "Anything else, little one?" His fingers again were gently probing, exploring, and spreading her open.

Cassy felt the warmth spread down her stomach and loins, a soft tide of dampness meeting his fingers. She stammered, "Um. Oh god, sir, Master. I can't think when you do that."

Nathan slowly slipped a finger into her, smiling as she trembled and jerked in response. "Let's think later." His voice turning suddenly deeper and darker, he murmured, "Come with me." He slipped his arms around her and lifted her close to his chest, standing he lifted her cradled close to his chest and carried her to his room.

Laying her down on the bed on her back, he growled, "Put your hands over your head, pretty slut." Cassy made a happy sound, raised her hands and laid them on the bed. He went to his closet and got out a handful of silk ties. "This time, ye'll nae escape your bindings so easily me pretty." Nathan managed to pull off a pretty convincing pirate voice. Cassy squealed and giggled.

Nathan leaned down and softly whispered, "Tell me if these get too tight, and remember your safe word. If at any time you start feeling frightened stop me. That is an order, for now I absolutely require you not feel afraid about anything we do." He began to tie a tie around one of her wrists.

Cassy felt a wave of rebellion. "I hate my safe word. I won't say it. I could never say it." The safe word he had given her had been 'apartment' and with it there had been the subtle message that if she used it, it meant she wanted to leave him, to be sent away from his home. It had always held such devastating consequences if she used it.

Nathan instantly stopped, taking the silk tie off her wrist. "Why, little one?"

Cassy sat up, a wave of anger flowed over her, making her whole body feel hot. She sat up and moved away from him on the bed, turning her back to him. "Apartment?" Her voice shook with indignation. "You gave me that safe word and at the same time said I could go home, go back to my apartment, anytime I wanted. I would have rather died than go back there. Is that a safe word? It was a choice of enduring more than I wanted or death." Her voice broke and she choked down a sob.

Nathan crawled up on the bed and pulled her to hold against his chest. "Cassy, little one, it was wrong. I shouldn't have done that. You are right it was not fair. And you are correct; I did not really want you to have a safe word. My only excuse was I was so insecure, so afraid of loving you, that I did these things to try and keep you from loving me, things to try and keep from loving you. I have always been afraid of love." He buried his head in her hair. "It was hopeless; there was no way I could keep from loving you. It just took me a while to realize that."