"I don't care. What is the difference?"
I was there, sitting on my bed, and before me, there were two identical girly latex cats. After abusing my traumatized body for the past two hours, they removed their perforated blindfold, and I finally could tell which one was who. I tried to explain all over again what my point was.
I was tricked into thinking that Erika was Kitty and that it may not have been the same if I had known the truth right off the bat. Erika didn't want to hear about it and tried to hammer some sense into this thick skull of mine.
"You spent all evening with ME, not Kitty. She was hiding in a closet upstairs during all that time. You made love to me, and you fed me. We watched a movie and drank together. I'm the one who gave you a goodnight blowjob before you forced me to get super drunk."
I protested about that last point.
"Oh! Hey! You are the one that asked for that last glass. I wasn't going to give it to you, so don't put that on me."
"Ah, whatever ... The point is, you enjoyed being with me a lot, and you said you loved me."
Kitty jumped in.
"Yeah, you kind of told her that several times. It was hot. I was rubbing my crotch a lot, so I remember."
"Kitty! Don't encourage her!"
Kitty was just looking at us, smiling and having a blast. She enjoyed the whole situation a bit too much and did all she could to make it worse for me. She seemed so comfortable with this whole thing of having a copy of herself that pulled dirty tricks to me. I felt that, once more, I was traveling on the path of defeat. I sighed.
"Okay, kitties, yes, I enjoyed last night a lot. And yes, Erika, you were fantastic ..."
"He gave you a 10 out of 10."
Of course, kitty had to bring that up. Traitor! She even high-fived Erika on that one. I continued my speech despite the incessant teasing.
"Thing is, I was convinced that you were my girlfriend yesterday, and that is part of why I enjoyed it so much. Erika, you shouldn't have to copy Kitty in an attempt to give me what I want. What I want is for Erika to be Erika and Kitty to be Kitty."
There was a heavy silence in the bedroom. Erika looked at Kitty, half angry.
"Really? Is he always like this? I mean, it's cute and all, but ..."
"I fear he is," Kitty said while shaking her head.
Erika turned back to me for a second, then she climbed on top of me and sat on my hips before placing her two paws on my chest. Kitty always did the same when she wanted to explain some things to me. I became apprehensive. Then she punched me hard in the chest with her small rubber paw ... "Oof!" ... Kitty didn't pack a punch like that, so this was a new form of negotiation for me.
"Apologize to me!" she said.
"Hu? What for? What did I say? I was trying to be nice."
"I'm going to gut you. Apologize now!"
"Okay! I'm ... I'm sorry?"
The thought of being gutted was a deterrent to arguing any further. Erika was capable of such violence in her language when I was saying something she didn't like. She initiated what I would call a good scolding.
"I listened to you at the pub because I wanted to. I went to your place and cuddled and made out with you because I wanted to. I came back here yesterday because I wanted to. I did my best to copy Kitty perfectly because I wanted to, thanks to her amazing support and pointers, it worked well. I inserted a catheter and feeding tube into my body, desecrating it because I wanted to. I borrowed her personality because I wanted to. I made love to you because I wanted to. I let you force feed me because I wanted to. I let you control my bladder because I wanted to. I watched a movie with you and acted tenderly because I wanted to. I let you get me drunk because I wanted to. I let you lock me in the small crate all night because I wanted to."
Each one of her words was hitting me like a ton of bricks. She was far from being done with me.
"Now, many of those things I did yesterday were very hard for me, like this feeding tube, so weird. Many other things were such a turn on, like putting this expensive catsuit on and listening to Kitty telling me about all your love habits. Many things were embarrassing, like being scared to make Kitty feel bad if I were to sleep with you. And all that for what, you think?"
"I ..."
It was not a question to which she wanted me to answer, so she punched me in the chest again with her soft paw. She acted mad, but it felt more like she just wanted me to understand her a bit better.
"Let me finish. It was a lot of planning and effort and heart that I put into it to make this evening as fantastic as humanly possible. Why did I do all that, you think? Because I really wanted to. Oh, I SO wanted this to work. I wanted from the bottom of my heart to see both of you enjoy what I was trying to accomplish, what I was giving you. Deep inside, I was terrified, I was going very far with this, and I hoped so much that you guys would appreciate me. And thank God for Kitty, that right away understood my intention, and she did all she could to help me turn it into an amazing success. She even zipped my suit up with her teeth, which was very hard."
Erika put her heart into her speech, and I felt it. Kitty was leaning sideways behind her to get a better look at my face. I looked back at her for an instant, perhaps I wanted to be saved, but Erika put her rubber paw on my cheek, forcing me to pay attention.
"Look at me. I just want you to tell me very honestly, from your heart; Were you happy to spend the evening with me? It doesn't matter how I decided to behave, who I was trying to copy, or what I was trying to do. Did you love being with me last night? Yes, I tricked you, I know that well, but it was because I hoped, with all my love for you guys, that at the end of the day you'd have enjoyed what I gave you and accepted me because of it. Accepted me for what I wanted and loved to do."
All I had left in me was a paralyzed throat, and this big ball of emotion stuck in my chest. I was looking at Erika while every single word she had pronounced was exploding inside of me, destroying all the misconceptions I always had about people.
I was continually trying to make sure that what they were doing was for themselves and not only to please me. How selfish on my part to think that people would try to please me first and relegate themselves to the second rank. My intentions were pure; I was not doing it on purpose. I genuinely wanted people to be happy, therefore doing what they wanted to do.
This was what Erika just explained. I was the problem. This insistence I had in making sure other people were okay was the mirror of my lack of self-confidence. I was checking on them, to avoid checking on myself, because I was scared, like a child. Afraid of what would happen if I committed, fearful of the future, terrorized of not being good enough, apprehensive of what people would say. All of this was preventing me from letting my love flow. Other people could take care of themselves. The only thing I had to do on my side was to make them feel appreciated and loved.
What an imbecile I could sometimes be. Did I like Erika? Yes. Did I love what she did to me last night? Yes. What did I honestly feel about all that? Why was I trying to prevent myself from saying what I wanted to say since the first time I met Erika at the pub?
I placed my hands around Erika's pink rubber neck and gently rubbed her cheeks with my thumbs.
"I'm so sorry, Erika. You are right. I'm not sure why I'm fighting this. You were so amazing, and I was a fool to question your intentions. There is one thing that has been burning inside me since I met you at the pub. I'm developing feelings for you. All week I was thinking about you, trying to push the emotion back down. Maybe it is too early to say it, but ... I love you. I love you so very much."
I pulled her close to me and held her in a hug that I didn't want to ever let go, almost crying and hoping that the feeling was mutual.
"Awww, I didn't think you had it in you. You know what? That is how I felt too," Erika said.
