I walked into the crowded restaurant more than a little apprehensive. It had been several weeks since Matthew and I had seen one another - weeks fraught with tension and distance. It is not the distance of miles between us that had been the issue - although that in itself has been a challenge. No the distance that had erupted between us like a smoldering volcano was one of our own making - more accurately MY own making. It was an emotional, spiritual distance that was worse than any stretch of time or interstate could possibly inflict. He is my love, my heart’s desire, my soul mate and I had shut him out, pushed him away, and withheld myself from him.
It was not intentional on my part. I was caught up in the instinctive reaction of a tender heart and soul wounded by the complexities of a relationship that cannot be publicly acknowledged. Matthew knows this - and understands it full well. Nevertheless, it did not change his frustration as he waited patiently - watching his soul mate drift aimlessly further and further beyond his reach. The myriad of telephone calls and e-mails that passed between us only serving to frustrate him further as I stubbornly refused to grant him access to that innermost part of my being that was struggling.
It was better now. We had somehow managed to bridge the distance between us. Talking, sharing, and connecting again - as only we can. But that day - that weekend - was the first time we had seen one another since and I knew that in spite of his understanding and patience, in some way I had hurt Matthew. And the price was mine to pay.
I crossed the restaurant towards his table, nervous and uncertain. He rose to greet me as I arrived and sat down. How professional and circumspect we both were there in public where it was demanded of us. Once the meal had been served and the waiter dismissed however, it was a different story. The pleasantries were exchanged. We caught up with one another and explored all that is the essence of our relationship - dreams and disappointments, joys and sorrows, tears and fears. Dessert arrived and I knew that the inevitable was coming.
“You should have talked to me sooner, Erin.” Mathew chided softly
My reply is filled with remorse. “I wanted to, love, but I just …”
“Shhh …” he said, placing a finger to my lips. “I know. But that doesn’t change the fact that you pushed me away. So … you
do
know what that means don’t you?”
If I had any doubt, the mischievous tone of Matthew’s voice and the look in his eyes were a dead giveaway. “I’m going to be punished, aren’t I,” I queried.
“Do you think you deserve to be punished?” Matthew replied. “Do you think that your failure to trust me and your insistence on withholding your heart and soul from me should be entirely without consequence?”
“No, love, I don’t. I …”
“Good!” Matthew interrupted. “Then please give me the key to your house. After lunch, you will amuse yourself shopping, strolling through the museum, whatever. In two hours - no more, no less - you will return to your house. And you will be prepared to take your punishment. We have the whole weekend. How it is spent will depend on you. Do you trust me?”
“Of course!” I replied immediately.
“Then finish you tea and be off. I will expect you at 3:15. Your key, please.” Matthew held out his hand insistently.
I finished my tea and took my leave as Matthew sat at the table, nimbly toying with my house key the whole time. It had the desired affect. For the next two hours, my thoughts would be consumed with trying to imagine what Matthew had in mind. My tension - and my excitement - would be heightened beyond description.
Two hours seemed an eternity as I strolled through antique shops and art galleries. At last, it was time to return home. As I walked up my front steps, I shuddered in delight and anticipation. I knew not what Matthew had in store for me, yet I knew that I could trust him implicitly and I knew that the punishment would befit my ‘crime’. I placed my hand on the doorknob, poised momentarily to draw a deep breath. I realized that the crotch of my lace teddy was soaking wet. Oddly, this instilled in me a sense of calm assurance. I turned the knob and walked in.
I walked through the foyer and into the great room, where I knew Matthew would be waiting. With its high vaulted ceilings, massive stone fireplace and windows over-looking the private lake, it was our favorite room in the house. I have no idea what I expected, but I was surprised to see that nothing looked the least bit out of place. I smiled at Matthew as he sat on the large, overstuffed sofa. Before I could speak, he held up a finger.
“Not a word. Just do everything I tell you to. Exactly as I tell you to. Do you understand?”
I nodded my assent.