Note to Reader: My Beloved, Little One is stricken with Alzheimer. "Stricken" is not overly-dramatic, especially when it happens to one who has lived with so much vitality and intensity. Of course, everyone connected to the person so afflicted, also "has it" to some degree and we struggle too.
My reasons for scribbling these words together are tri-fold. In her deepest, inner self, I know that the woman I love so dearly is still here with us. She is, the heroine of my life and of this story!
Those of us who are compelled to honor and "give form" to feelings, ideas, dreams, accomplishments, etc., naturally turn to words, to help ourselves and others, "to get it".
My fervent hope is that these words will "give form and life" to Master's Little One and the gift we have been for each other. This is also a gift to you, Dear Reader. Thank you for being here with us!
Their "playtime" (facing extra large mirrors in their bedroom) has become so intense, that they do not hear the doorbell at first. Finally, Master greatly peeved, puts on enough clothes to be presentable. His annoyance is quickly replaced with a sense, that a delightful opportunity is presenting itself. Two very attractive women are asking to make a "home visitation" on behalf of their church.
He sits them very close to each other at the snack bar, both facing towards the hall. "Little One, come meet our guests." She accepts very easily, that Master expects her to present herself, as she was dressed when he left her.
He positions himself between the ladies and the hall, so they cannot see her until he allows them to. He feels her closeness to his body, but no one says anything or moves. As he senses that the ladies' curiosity "is killing them", he slides one step over to the end of the bar. Little One is wearing really classy white, linen shorts and two brightly colored push pins, embedded to the hilt, in each tit.
Master allows the ladies to get some air back into their lungs before he sits Little One directly across from them. The one in her mid-twenties finally gets her voice back and just explodes, "both of you are so UNGODLY! This man is causing you pain on purpose!" The one in her early forties is simply unable to look up. She is clearly, wishing she was anywhere else, but right here!
Another long, highly volatile pause - the air is crackling with emotional and electrical energy!
They have naturally developed their own code (unspoken language) but Little One chooses to be very formal. She keeps her head lowered and raising a hand to shoulder level, waits to be acknowledged.
Master waits (also for the effect) so the ladies can deepen their impression of the nature of their relationship. "Yes?"
"Master, may Your Little One, speak freely, to our guests?"
Another pause - "yes". She is normally so centered and tranquil, on the outside. Master knows intimately, the white-hot inferno of intensity that burns within her soul! He is truly "built" to respond with so much love and admiration for His Little One's, true self!
"Ladies I, was the original, "church lady". I did all of the roles a woman can do there. Plus, I have done ALL of the other roles, both of you are now doing. The daughter, wife, mother, employee, etc., etc. roles. "Done it all"! I promise!
Look, I have lived almost as long as both of you combined. The deepest, soul-killing "pain" of my entire life, up to that time, was when I was struck with the reality, that I was INVISIBLE and UN-known, to the people who I depended on to love me. Truly, love me! I was so desperate, to be really known and loved! But, I was finally forced to admit to myself, that I simply, was NOT!
I believed at the time, I was really "at the end of my rope". So, I tied a knot and tried even harder, to play my roles, so I could "feel good" about myself and receive from others, what I needed.
For example, I "studied", with the same intensity that I created a near "A" average in my degrees, how to be a better sexual partner for my ex-husband. I dedicated myself to reading, fantasizing about and practicing, as well as I could by myself, what I was discovering. I was so excited, about what he and I would share, in our "new life" together! Compared to missionary that he "initiated" three times a year on our birthdays and anniversary, the only way for us to go, was up. Right? Wrong!
Anyway, I discovered in my play-acting by myself, that I really crave, I mean really, need to be submissive and be dominated, sexually. So, one night I suggested "maybe you could spank me". Holy Shit, the church deacon went ballistic! If he had taken and used me, frequently with that much passion and fire, we might even have made it.
Did I ever, get a sermon about how sinful I was! It was so disgraceful that his wife and the mother of their daughters, would even think that way! "I don't know you - who are you? Really? We've been married nearly 30 years, for heaven's sake! How, when did you become so depraved?"
When he finished "preaching and ranting" he spent that and several more nights, away from me. His rejection, was real "pain" and he definitely, did it "on purpose". NOT because he loved me!
Ah, but "on-the-surface" though - we were still the model people and couple! Active everywhere -church, civic clubs, Home Owners' Association, etc. and as "respected professionals", too. You know, the "whole, for-show thing"! Active everywhere except, at home. There, he and I both, made Siberia feel like the Tropics.
Would you believe this? I finally got to where I was so starving for affection and warmth again, that I schemed to share more of what I had discovered with him. I greeted him at the door one evening wearing nothing, except a "fuck me", any-way-you-want, smile. He absolutely, "just lost it"! And not in the healthy way I was craving. I was convinced the fool would give himself a heart attack or a stroke!
