This diary is my recollection of what I'm calling "the event." This is my story, the same I shared with Seattle PD. My ears are still ringing with their laughter so I'm writing this down while it is still fresh.
It had been a typical grey February day in the Pacific Northwest. Luckily, I'd been able to work from home. I definitely did not miss commuting in the wind and rain. Just one of the perks of doing IT work for Big Tech.
After logging off at 4pm I did a few quick chores, it is far too easy to slip from bohemian disarray (stacks of books and a dusty Buddha) into full on bachelor squalor (just nasty). My last task was garbage, it was pretty cold out and I was just wearing a t-shirt, shorts and flip flops but I figured it would only take a minute. Outside my building I just put the compost and recyclables in the appropriate bins when I heard the scuffing of boots on concrete. I turned and was stunned by the sight of an absolutely gorgeous woman. The black beanie she was wearing didn't conceal her platinum blonde hair and her Rosie the Riveter style coveralls did nothing to hide her statuesque figure. Meeting my eyes, she asked "Is your name John?"
I nodded like a bobble head toy and replied "Y-yes it is. Can I h---"
My sentence weas cut off as a hood was placed over my head from behind. As I started to yell for help I must of
inhaled some sort of drug as my body started to go limp. As I was carry-dragged towards the street I heard one the stunning blonde say "Come on Osprey, we need to get moving!" I didn't register a reply to her order as I was shoved into the back of a vehicle. Before I blacked out I heard an engine rev and tires squeal.
As I came to, I felt cold concrete beneath my bare feet. I vaguely recalled losing my flip flops when I was stuffed into what must have been a van. I then realized that I was cuffed, wrists and ankles to what I knew to be, from late night web surfing (don't judge me), to be a St Andrew's Cross. In front of me stood the beautiful blonde. To her right was a tall, athletic woman with auburn hair wearing a matching set of coveralls. Seeing that I was alert the blonde said "Finally, sleeping beauty is awake. Osprey, I told you to go easy with the enhanced chloroform!"
Her accomplice, Osprey I assumed, replied "Fine Kestrel, next time I'll decoy, and you do the hood!"
Feeling like I was in some surreal Fellini film I cleared my hoarse throat, licked my dry lips and said 'Ladies, I think there has been a huge mistake."
Both their heads whipped around to stare at me. I started to sweat as two sets of eyes bored into me. The silence stretched until the tall one, Osprey, turned and said "Why do they always assume it is a mistake?"
Her partner (I was feeling some classic good cop/bad cop energy) replied "Because their stubborn little piggie brains cannot comprehend that a male Lord of Creation (her voice dripped with sarcasm) could ever be wrong so us girls must be in error, right? They can't imagine anything else. It is pathetic."
Osprey nodded "That is why you are the Team Lead, Kestrel, you have such clarity."
Kestrel replied, "Thank you Osprey, I value you as a friend and colleague."
Focusing those laser beam eyes on me Kestrel stated "You have been reported as being a worthless, philandering chauvinist asshole. The amazing woman who reported you has, for reasons I cannot fathom, decided to keep you IF you complete this diversion program. But the organization Agent Osprey and I work for is very enlightened. If you just confess, sign this letter of apology and promise to do better then you will be free to go. If not, then we proceed. What is your response?"
Silence stretched out as I tried to process this information. Finally, I said what any reasonable person would say: "Ladies, this is really a huge misunderstanding." I got not further as I was cut off by gales of laughter.
With a smirk that quickly turned to a grin Kestrel sang out "Piiiiiig headed to the end!"
Osprey chortled, "I love it when they do it the hard way." The next sound was a thunderclap as the two gave a high five that echoed through the large, warehouse like space. I started to think that maybe the confession and apology route might have been the smart move but I had no idea what they were talking about. I'd been single since Covid started back in 2020.
Snapping her fingers in the air to get my attention Kestrel said "Well, you COULD have taken the easy way out. But no, Mr Macho Man, Mr Big Man couldn't sacrifice even a drop of male pride. Well don't worry piggie, we will help with that. Stage One was the snatch. That is designed to get you out of your comfort zone, get you thinking and maybe, just maybe get you to see the light. But that failed. So now we go to Stage Two, stripping your privilege. Osprey, your turn to do the honors."
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Osprey skipping forward with a pair of sheers...she definitely was the weird one of the duo. But the sight of the sheers had me rooted in place. "Good boy, don't move" she whispered in my ear. The next sounds were snip-snip-snip-snip-snip-snip-yank-yank as my clothes were turned into a pile of rags. Some might not believe me but as I stood there, bare as a baby bird, I couldn't help myself - I started to get hard. Osprey looked down, saw my excitement and yelled "Hey, Kestrel we have a grower!"
Looking over from the corner Kestrel sighed "Why do the sweet, innocent looking ones always turn out to be such pervs? Well, we can take care of that."
Maybe I should have been nervous. Being kidnapped and stripped naked is pretty unnerving to say the least. But the kidnapping and stripping had been done by two gorgeous women who were talking about "taking care" of my boner. I've had worse Tuesday nights.
That naivete was washed away as two jets of high pressure, icy cold water hit me. Every inch of my skin was hit. I squirmed and squealed. as the sensitive skin of my armpits was doused, then across my chest and torso, tweaking my nipples then down to my genitals and legs. Finally, one jet hit my head and face, leaving my spluttering and wheezing. I finally opened my eyes in time to see the two of them approach me with scrub brushes soaked in some sort of astringent gel. The brushes scraped across my already irritated skin. I immediately felt a burning sensation as one brush was shoved between my tender butt cheeks and the other edged across my genitals. The irritation turned to pain and I started to howl- just as the water jets hit me again, this time with even more pressure. I lowered my head to escape the blast on my face and saw my hair going down the drain with the water, truly I was being stripped.
