Dear Diary

It's Sunday night, and I can't sleep. There are so many thoughts running through my head and most are things I wouldn't admit to out loud, but I'll admit them to you, diary, because you're so good at keeping my secrets.

At 25 years old, and having been in the BDSM lifestyle for 5 years, then leaving, I'm feeling a bit lost. I was a S/switch, and primarily found myself in the dominant role most times. There's something about being Domme'd by a curvaceous, delicious, luscious black girl that gets a man right where it matters.

My secret, diary, is coming, I just... let me take a drink of my water, I'm nervous even telling you, because I've never said it aloud.

The past few days have been hell on my imagination and hell on my ass too! I've been masturbating with a large butt plug and my bullet every day... Well, let me start at the beginning.

I snuck out one day, alone, and went to Dr. Joes, the local sex toy shop, looking for something to put a little bit of a... hitch in my giddy-up. I wandered around for quite a while, finding too many things that were all the same, just different colors. Then, I, quite by chance, stumbled upon the gay men's section. Being a woman, I'm sure I looked a bit out of place amongst the butt plugs and vibrating wands meant for asses, but I fell in love at first lube.

I finally, after spending 20 minutes or more poring over all the toys, found what would prove to be my new best friend: A 5 inch long, purple, gel-lee butt plug. The beautiful thing about it is that it has a head on it shaped like a penis but has a bulbous midsection to it that is about 2 ½ inches in diameter. It slopes down to a much thinner end before the plugged-type flat end comes into play. It looks like two purple balls sitting on top of a stand, with the top ball about ½ the size of the bottom ball.

I took it home and to no avail, attempted to use it that evening. It just wasn't possible for me to get it in, regardless of how many times I pushed more lube into my ass with my finger and put more lube onto the toy itself.

I felt disappointed but resolved that maybe my eyes were too big for my bum and decided that I would keep it in my dirty drawer and maybe cover it with a condom and use it on a willing male the next time I was involved with one.

But two weeks ago, things changed. I mean, I've always loved anal sex and I've always loved the feeling of having a man push his cock up my bum (My favorite part of the beginning has to be the exquisite pain/pleasure mix when the head of his cock pops through the tight ring of my ass), but this, this is completely different.

Two weeks ago, I was surfing through my regular message boards and someone had decided to share a video with the rest of us. I took a chance and downloaded it, as I've never downloaded any videos that are posted on those message boards and what I saw... to put it simply, took my breath away.

I immediately opened it when the file finished downloading and began watching it, intent on seeing every second of it. It opened with a very pretty girl, probably mid-20's if I had to guess, completely naked and sitting on a bed. She spoke French and it went perfectly with her appearance. She was (from what I gathered), a blossoming porn-star and wanted to show off her talents in the short film I had downloaded.

They talked back and forth in the lilting language of the French and soon, she nodded her head and beckoned her partner over to the bed. Before I could say "Parle Vous Francais," she had his girthy cock in her mouth, sucking it like she couldn't get enough of it. She wasn't noisy at all, but rather quietly determined to make him be the noisier of the two of them while she worshipped his cock with her pouting lips and warm mouth.

He grabbed her head softly in his big hands. I could see his fingers pulling her hair gently and I could hear him softly moaning, whispering beautiful sounding things in French to her while he slowly fucked her mouth.

It quickly cut, both to my disappointment and then pleasant surprise, to him mounting her on the bed. She was on her knees with her head resting on her arms. He pushed his cock in her ass, and I heard her moan loudly.

By this point, diary, my pussy was dripping wet already and I scooted closer to the monitor, as if I would see more, ha! I unconsciously began to rub my nipples through the thin fabric of my blouse and watched intently as he began to fuck her at a very regular pace.

Her moans were the soundtrack to my life at that moment, they were what I wanted, diary, you know that. I wanted (and still do want) a commanding gentleman to take me by the hair with his left hand and wrap his right hand around my neck while he fucks me in the ass.

But I'm getting ahead of myself...

He began fucking her faster, and harder. Her head, which was once resting comfortably on her arms, was now bouncing back and forth in time with his thrusts. He kept fucking her... he was slamming his cock into her. The symphony of her moans and his grunts was then joined by the sweet sound of skin against skin.

I love the sound of wet skin slapping against wet skin. Not the soft, packing sounds of a punch, but the light, lilting sound of a slap-slap-slap accompanied by moans of pleasure. There's nothing sexier to hear, in my opinion.

Soon, the film cut to the two of them fucking in the same position, just turned around so the camera was filming them from the front rather than the side. I could still see her head bouncing and her shiny, long hair along with it, bobbing in time to the slap-slap-slap and the moans that were screaming out of her.

Oh my god, diary, he was fucking her so hard and fast... I wondered if he was going to hurt her, and I must admit, the thought made my pussy tingle. At the moment I thought it couldn't get any better, he started fucking her with very shallow strokes at the fastest paces I've ever seen or heard a man fuck a woman.

She started screaming at the top of her lungs, uncontrollably screaming. Her face was contorted in a mix of extreme pain and even greater pleasure. My pussy was so wet, I'd made a wet spot through my panties and onto my pants I was wearing. I even had a small orgasm from only nipple stimulation! This had to be the absolute hottest thing I had ever seen and now that I'm writing in you about it, my kitty is getting drenched all over again.

The movie cut again, to my dismay and again, to my pleasure, away from that position to her sitting on top of him. He was still fucking her beautiful bum and I could tell that both of them were getting tired but didn't want to stop. She was so beautiful, the sweat glistening on her face and her breasts bouncing in time with his thrusts into her ass. He started again, fucking her hard, and all of a sudden, he began moaning louder, in time with his thrusts and he grabbed her tits in his meaty hands.

She started screaming louder, to the rhythm of him sliding in and out of her. Finally, he grunted loudly, almost as loud as she screamed and he began convulsing slightly, signifying him coming.

All I could think at that moment was, "God, I'd love to have him squirting all that hot jizz into my tunnel."

I couldn't hold myself back any more, I felt like I was going to burst. I practically ran to my room and grabbed my bulbous purple butt plug, resolute on getting it in my bum hole. I knew that I would get it in and I knew that I needed it in me, right then.

I got out my lube and started by getting on my hands and knees. I reached around to my ass and, with a little lube on my hand, as lightly and softly as I could in my aroused state, started massaging my anal opening. God I can almost feel it right now while I'm writing this... It felt so good and so welcome.

Almost instantly, I was able to push my finger into my hole, and it just wasn't enough. I knew that I would have to have my purple pal help me out that day.

I moved near the wall and put a dollop of lube on the head of my butt plug and rubbed it around my ass, getting myself so hot I almost had an orgasm from that stimulation alone! I didn't want to hurt myself, but I wanted it inside me... I wanted it inside me so bad I can't describe it, diary!

Still, I took my time, pushing the head of my plug inside my tight ass as slowly as I could. It felt like forever until I felt that familiar combination of pain and pleasure when the head of a cock pops through that tight opening.

Once again I had to stop and breathe to stave off orgasm, and I hadn't even touched my clit yet!

It seemed like an eternity that it took me to finally get the toy inside my ass, but with every inch that went in, I had to relax and try to keep myself from coming. I was dripping wet, and the sweet smell of my pussy juice wafted up to my nostrils as I unconsciously moved backward onto my hand, which was holding my butt plug. My inner thighs were wet with the honey I produced and I felt at any moment like I was going to either explode or implode with an orgasm I knew would be unmatched by any other I had ever had.

Finally, gratefully, I got the butt plug inside me and I knew I needed to feel like I was being fucked. I stood up and put my ass against the wall. I bent over from the waist and with both hands, pulled my round, firm ass cheeks as far apart as I could. I pushed back on the wall in a frenzy. I pushed back harder and faster against the wall, feeling the butt plug move inside me in time with my pushing.

I could hear myself moaning, but I felt like it was something I was hearing, rather than doing. I was in such a heated state, it felt like I was somewhere else.

I felt free to think about anything I wanted, which is why I'm making this entry tonight, to tell you about my fantasy I had.

I saw a tall man, maybe 6 feet tall, of lithe but muscular build and, tanned or light-colored black skin. I saw him in my mind but I felt him in my ass. I felt his big, meaty hands grabbing my tits while he fucked me as hard as he could. I pushed against the wall faster... mimicking what I saw in my mind's eye.

I saw him grimace and I heard him moan softly while he slammed his thick, veiny cock into my asshole. He bit his bottom lip, groaning in pleasure and he squeezed my boobs as hard as he could, pulling away from them until his fingertips were on my pierced nipples and then, he started twisting them. He pulled and twisted on my nipples while he shoved that huge cock into my tight, hot asshole, wet with lube and pre-cum.

He growled at me, "You like that cock in your ass don't you, slut?"

And I replied, "Yes Sir, I do," breathlessly.

I've never wanted more to be dominated until that moment. That's my secret, diary. I wanted so bad for him to be real, I wanted so much for him to have already cuffed my hands and attached a chain to a collar and fuck me until I couldn't see straight. I saw him fuck me and I felt his hand decisively rest on my throat. As he fucked me harder, the pressure on my neck became more intense. I didn't choke, and I didn't cough, but my breathing was restricted.

"Ask me if you can breathe," He said in the lowest, sexiest voice I've ever heard.

It was faster, and harder that he fucked me. He pulled back on the chain with his free hand, making me involuntarily lean back into him. I pushed my ass farther up in the air, a bitch in heat wanting her master to fuck her like a wanton slut.

I could feel myself pushing against the wall with more force, my melons bouncing and my head held back.

I finally pushed two fingers from my left hand into my pussy while fucking myself with my butt plug against the wall and almost immediately I came, squirting liquid all over my hand. I screamed, "Oh God, Yes," as I came and I continued fucking myself with my fingers.

I squeezed my right breast with my free hand and pushed back harder onto the wall, feeling my asshole convulse around the plug and my pussy jump around my fingers.

I thought I was going to pass out. I stayed there for a moment, catching my breath and reliving the vision in my mind.

Everyday for the past two weeks, I've relived this same scenario, with the result being more intense than the day before, diary. I don't know what to do! I guess I'll just have to find the guy in my dreams and let him ream any hole of mine he likes.