It's Early New Years Morning, not long after the parties have died down. I thought I'd kick off the decade trying to get to know myself better, one particular part that has grown to become a strong desire of late, not just an exciting fantasy. this part of me will no doubt be a big part of my life this coming decade.
When I sat down and decided to write this I intended it to be private, but in the spirit of trying something new in the new year, I will publish this self exploratory journal, because who knows what that will bring?
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My Descent into Submission
I'm a 25 year old man that discovered my submissive side over time, beginning at the start of my sexual activity, where that glimpse of submissive desires appeared, for a long time it was just a thought, an idea that popped into my head and quickly dismissed, but as time went by it grew into a huge beast, dominating my sexual thoughts.
I'm not submissive in any other parts of my life, I'm neither small physically nor passive. I wouldn't be pegged as a potential submissive.
In my normal life I'm not one to be ordered around, I've always had some level of disdain for authority, for someone telling me what to do. I''ve never been one to accept 'the normal way.' I've always been wanted a life that I desired, even though it is a harder route. I am not willing to accept an office job, a standard view of reality, a standard sex life.
I think it was this, my habit of trying things out for myself that allowed my curiosity, my desire to try anything, to make me suddenly stick my soapy index finger into my ass one night in the shower about 5 years ago.
Two mental blocks were crossed that day, one was that doing anything 'kinky' wasn't evil or wrong, these acts were just misunderstood by most people, and the second was that I could derive a lot more pleasure and stimulation from my body than I had been. From then on I slowly explored my submissive nature, sometimes with girls, but mostly on my own.
I'm completely comfortable with my urge to be submissive, whether I was born with it or had it developed through my experiences, it doesn't matter. I don't fight it. It's a part of me that won't go away, and ignoring it would be doing myself a great disservice, not that I want to, as I really enjoy the excitement and pleasure it has brought me.
Why I Crave Submission
I'm of the opinion that a lot of your personality is formed through traumatic or triumphant experiences, generally from the ages of 10 to 18. I find these are your formative years, so I think during these times events have the most lasting impact. So, to attempt to solve why I have a submissive side, I thought of any events that came up that could be candidates for why I am submissive.
During most of high school I was terrible around girls, and since I didn't know what to do, girls had a power over me, we weren't equal. This isn't a problem anymore, unless I'm actively being submissive, I felt comfortable around women and feel we're different but equal . But I can still feel that view I had, still have a bit of pain deep down from high school. I am naturally into a lot of kinky sex, but I think this is what caused me to favor submission to women more so than the other way around or other sexual twists.
I don't get off on a women claiming inherent superiority, for her whole sex, but if she does, cool, it doesn't really affect me. I find I enjoy submitting because it takes a strong, confident women to be dominant, demanding, I admire that women, I admire her because she specifically deserves me and I, in turn, desire her with a passion. Like I said, men and women are equal, but different, it's that difference, that feminine energy that I don't have, in the right woman, that drives me mad with desperate passion.
I've always loved eating pussy, which is an obvious reason why I like submitting. My very first sexual experience that was likely to involve intercourse seems to be the beginning of this. This was during the time I was incredibly nervous around women, so girls who were into me sexually were rare and thus I was scared of messing it up because I didn't know when I'd get another chance.
Because of this, I was worried I wouldn't be able to fuck her well, and at the time I was fingering her, and she obviously enjoyed it, so not wanting to mess up and scare her away, I kept working on her, licking and fingering her until she was exhausted.
Perhaps that has nothing to do with it, as I think I'd enjoy eating pussy anyways, but that event maybe triggered some deep down urge. Today I have the unique opinion that I know that as much as I love sex, I honestly love eating out a women more, the taste, feeling her moan, cum, shake under me. I adore making a women feel great.
In fact, I'm content to not eat pussy, or even get off myself during a night with a girl, because I love kissing and touching a women, I can do it for hours and derive as much satisfaction as I would from fucking her or getting a blow job.
I've even done this to girls in a one night stand, I've taken them back to my place and just eaten her pussy until my tongue was throbbing, the girl is generally spent and either sleeps or leaves, and I don't mind at all.
Again, it's not because I felt like she's better and I owe her, I just love making a women feel good, it's similar to liking to give presents as Christmas more than to receive. I love the way women orgasm too, with myself, its a grunt and I cum and it feels good, but that's it. A proper women's orgasm seems much more powerful, erotic, out of control, mesmerizing even.
The fact that I can make a women scream, shake uncontrollably in euphoria makes me feel amazing, to feel her juices on me, to lick sweat beads from her thigh or stomach, to see her hair disheveled, her chest flushed and breathing heavy. I just love it.
Now that I think about it, I suppose that's plenty of reason why I enjoy submission so much. The fact that my priorities for sex are: 1 - eating a girl out, 2 - prolonged kiss, touching, stroking, and then 3 - having an orgasm, is actually pretty revealing. It's disappointing in a way, as I've often wondered why I was submissive, but actually figuring it out was pretty straightforward.
But it's not complete, I also enjoy being tied up, degraded, insulted, hit, humiliated. Why?