Confessions of a Submissive

It's Early New Years Morning, not long after the parties have died down. I thought I'd kick off the decade trying to get to know myself better, one particular part that has grown to become a strong desire of late, not just an exciting fantasy. this part of me will no doubt be a big part of my life this coming decade.

When I sat down and decided to write this I intended it to be private, but in the spirit of trying something new in the new year, I will publish this self exploratory journal, because who knows what that will bring?

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My Descent into Submission

I'm a 25 year old man that discovered my submissive side over time, beginning at the start of my sexual activity, where that glimpse of submissive desires appeared, for a long time it was just a thought, an idea that popped into my head and quickly dismissed, but as time went by it grew into a huge beast, dominating my sexual thoughts.

I'm not submissive in any other parts of my life, I'm neither small physically nor passive. I wouldn't be pegged as a potential submissive.

In my normal life I'm not one to be ordered around, I've always had some level of disdain for authority, for someone telling me what to do. I''ve never been one to accept 'the normal way.' I've always been wanted a life that I desired, even though it is a harder route. I am not willing to accept an office job, a standard view of reality, a standard sex life.

I think it was this, my habit of trying things out for myself that allowed my curiosity, my desire to try anything, to make me suddenly stick my soapy index finger into my ass one night in the shower about 5 years ago.

Two mental blocks were crossed that day, one was that doing anything 'kinky' wasn't evil or wrong, these acts were just misunderstood by most people, and the second was that I could derive a lot more pleasure and stimulation from my body than I had been. From then on I slowly explored my submissive nature, sometimes with girls, but mostly on my own.

I'm completely comfortable with my urge to be submissive, whether I was born with it or had it developed through my experiences, it doesn't matter. I don't fight it. It's a part of me that won't go away, and ignoring it would be doing myself a great disservice, not that I want to, as I really enjoy the excitement and pleasure it has brought me.

Why I Crave Submission

I'm of the opinion that a lot of your personality is formed through traumatic or triumphant experiences, generally from the ages of 10 to 18. I find these are your formative years, so I think during these times events have the most lasting impact. So, to attempt to solve why I have a submissive side, I thought of any events that came up that could be candidates for why I am submissive.

During most of high school I was terrible around girls, and since I didn't know what to do, girls had a power over me, we weren't equal. This isn't a problem anymore, unless I'm actively being submissive, I felt comfortable around women and feel we're different but equal . But I can still feel that view I had, still have a bit of pain deep down from high school. I am naturally into a lot of kinky sex, but I think this is what caused me to favor submission to women more so than the other way around or other sexual twists.

I don't get off on a women claiming inherent superiority, for her whole sex, but if she does, cool, it doesn't really affect me. I find I enjoy submitting because it takes a strong, confident women to be dominant, demanding, I admire that women, I admire her because she specifically deserves me and I, in turn, desire her with a passion. Like I said, men and women are equal, but different, it's that difference, that feminine energy that I don't have, in the right woman, that drives me mad with desperate passion.

I've always loved eating pussy, which is an obvious reason why I like submitting. My very first sexual experience that was likely to involve intercourse seems to be the beginning of this. This was during the time I was incredibly nervous around women, so girls who were into me sexually were rare and thus I was scared of messing it up because I didn't know when I'd get another chance.

Because of this, I was worried I wouldn't be able to fuck her well, and at the time I was fingering her, and she obviously enjoyed it, so not wanting to mess up and scare her away, I kept working on her, licking and fingering her until she was exhausted.

Perhaps that has nothing to do with it, as I think I'd enjoy eating pussy anyways, but that event maybe triggered some deep down urge. Today I have the unique opinion that I know that as much as I love sex, I honestly love eating out a women more, the taste, feeling her moan, cum, shake under me. I adore making a women feel great.

In fact, I'm content to not eat pussy, or even get off myself during a night with a girl, because I love kissing and touching a women, I can do it for hours and derive as much satisfaction as I would from fucking her or getting a blow job.

I've even done this to girls in a one night stand, I've taken them back to my place and just eaten her pussy until my tongue was throbbing, the girl is generally spent and either sleeps or leaves, and I don't mind at all.

Again, it's not because I felt like she's better and I owe her, I just love making a women feel good, it's similar to liking to give presents as Christmas more than to receive. I love the way women orgasm too, with myself, its a grunt and I cum and it feels good, but that's it. A proper women's orgasm seems much more powerful, erotic, out of control, mesmerizing even.

The fact that I can make a women scream, shake uncontrollably in euphoria makes me feel amazing, to feel her juices on me, to lick sweat beads from her thigh or stomach, to see her hair disheveled, her chest flushed and breathing heavy. I just love it.

Now that I think about it, I suppose that's plenty of reason why I enjoy submission so much. The fact that my priorities for sex are: 1 - eating a girl out, 2 - prolonged kiss, touching, stroking, and then 3 - having an orgasm, is actually pretty revealing. It's disappointing in a way, as I've often wondered why I was submissive, but actually figuring it out was pretty straightforward.

But it's not complete, I also enjoy being tied up, degraded, insulted, hit, humiliated. Why?

Hit is easy, I've always had a large tolerance for pain, particularly slapping type pain, I enjoy it, obviously. The first time I tried a nipple clamp I loved it.

Being tied up appeals to me for the helplessness, it scares me, excites me and turns me on that I would subject my body to someone else's control, to do with as they desire. It's definitely because I give up control and am helpless that I like it, but I cant figure why I want that, except that it's just a break for me as I feel I'm rarely not in control or helpless in normal life, but that doesn't feel right like the complete answer.

Humiliated is hard too, when I say humiliated I mean a more public thing, like an early fantasy of mine was being locked out of the shower in high school naked and having hundreds of girls see me naked in the hall. I have no idea why having people laugh at me in really embarrassing situations gets me turned on, maybe because I really don't care after the fact, I could walk back into school the next day with a smile, it's not something I'd dwell on.

I wouldn't call myself an exhibitionist, though I couldn't care less who saw me naked, I think maybe just the thought of someone seeing me naked, or doing something embarrassing that I was being forced to do, gets my adrenaline going, my heart beating like crazy. It has to be the fact that I love that rush.

Finally, the degraded, insulted aspect I have no idea about either. Instantly my minds considers if I think I'm not worthy or lower than everyone else. I've had moments like that for sure, many, but I think, hope, that I don't have that belief deep down. It's interesting. I'm going to think about this one a lot to see why, maybe I have low self esteem on some level that I'm blind to.

Note -- in writing the rest of this I came up with a much better answer to why I like being degraded, but I left in the original paragraph above because I think it's interesting and possible still has some merit. Below is the answer that came to me later.

I've always been a huge fight club fan, the book and the movie, and one of the key concepts is how to become truly free you have to give up your identity, your ego. (I could go into more detail to explain it better, tons more, but it would take pages, contact me if you find the concept interesting and want to discuss it.) Basically if you have nothing and have nothing to loss, no possessions, pride or power, that's when you live for yourself. Other's ideas and opinions of you become meaningless, you no longer live for anyone but yourself. You are truly free. I love this concept and being degraded and insulted certainly is a great theory to accomplish this. I'm very excited I discovered this connection.

Maybe it wasn't as easy to see the big picture as I thought, but I am glad I have a strong idea about why I am willing to submit to women. All the specific activities though, like being embarrassed, being tied up, I'm still hazy as to why.

I also realize one of my weaknesses is self discipline, actually I wouldn't call it a weakness, but it's a place where I really want to be excellent, to have mastered. I think that explains why I desire to be under a woman's total control, all the time. It's to have my discipline trained, to do exactly what I am supposed to be doing and to not be able to procrastinate ever.

Like most things in my life I guess, I want to do it to experience, to learn, to have an adventure.

What I Desire as A Submissive

I feel like I can't really do any more submissive stuff on my own, the few things I can do on my own are limited. I need the massive jump that comes from having a real dominant woman. What sucks is that I find that with women it's a difficult situation to bring up as I have no interest in being a submissive long term boyfriend, at least at the moment, maybe I'll love it and want to. The other option would be to pitch being a submissive early on when meeting a girl, making it clear that's what I want, but so few girls are into dominating to the extent I desire it would just weird most of them out. In my experience, if a girl tries to be dominant, but isn't truly into it, it shows, it's still fun, but it's not what I have a passion for.

So how can I ever satisfy my craving? I desire so much as a submissive, to date my submissive sexual experiences with women were more a tease: being tied up, hit or ordered to pleasure a woman was great, but really nothing more than proof that I truly desired to be completely submissive to a woman.

My desire to submit isn't a casual thing, my only real outlet for these urges has been my writing. In them I don't just want a girl to take me home, tie me up and fuck me, I desperately want a girl I can devote myself to for a lengthy period of time, completely, 24/7, to live with, or should I say To Live For.

I want to be her complete slave, to cater to her every tiny whim, so she is never required to expend any energy, to cook and clean for her, to groom and massage her. In short, to make her feel like a goddess, to worship every inch of her magnificent body.

I want to beg for the privilege of touching her, just to kiss the soles of her feet, her armpit or her fingers. I'll be there for whatever need she could possible have and be out of the way when she doesn't.

I want to be completely owned by her, trained exactly how she wants me to be, to willingly submit my body to whatever amuses her, to be humiliated, embarrassed, degraded, abused, whipped, hit, teased, denied and whatever else she desires.

I want her to make me prove how badly I am devoted to her. I want to be a good slave, who listens to whatever she says. I want to be punished if I let her down, to cry out in pain, to have a paddle redden my fleshy ass, to have clamps and weights did into my nipples.

I want her to dress me, or undress me, as she sees fit, to be completely hers. I own and decide nothing, not what I wear, what I do or what I say. I have no freedom or control, except in choosing how much to struggle and squirm.

I want her to tie me up, to make me completely helpless and use whips, clamps and paddles on my defenseless body.

I want her to invite her female friends over to embarrass me, have them laugh at me while she makes me do humiliating things, to watch in disbelief while she makes a grown, naked man beg and plead and then struggle to kiss her feet or she lets them join in on the humiliation.

Her friends will think I am pathetic and will have no doubt how desirable she is to me, how badly I am embarrassed in front of them, and don't want them to watch, but I tolerate it and listen and obey anyways because of how badly I want to please her. They know that no matter how embarrassing the act, I'll do it because she told me to.

I want to be insulted, pissed on, spit on, and especially fucked in the ass long and hard. I'm her pathetic slave, and should be treated as such.

I want to be teased and denied orgasm on her whims, my ability to cum is completely in her hands, it's her dick now.

What I Want to Do to My Mistress

I want to please you, I want to work as hard as I can do make you feel amazing.

I want to touch every inch of your stunning body with my fingers, my tongue. I want to kiss you, your breasts and feel your soft, warm skin through the night. I'd sacrifice sleep just to stroke your arm. I want to eat out your pussy and ass and make you cum, I want your juices smeared all over my face. I will make you moan over and over until my jaw is numb.

I want your legs wrapped about my shoulders, your hands shoving my face against you, treating me with as much thought as you give your vibrator, pushing my lips tight against your hole, so I can barely breathe, but all the while I keep my focus on you, my tongue plunging deep, with unmatched urgency and desperation.

Just writing all that makes me shake with pleasure and excitement.

What I Desire in A Mistress

You are in decent shape at least. I take time to exercise to feel healthy, I think a healthy lifestyle is important and a must in any women that I could be attracted to.

You are under the age of 40.

You have soft, smooth skin.

That is it for my physical desires, while I have very specific 'ideal' preferences, I find the mind of a dominant women is what really draws me in. I don't simply become submissive due to an attractive body.

The mental qualities I look for are much stricter.

You are confident and decisive, I will never doubt who is in charge. You are not sadistic and only want to cause me pain, suffering or loss. You want me because you are an exceptional human being who works hard on her own quality of life and deserves me. You deserve to be treated like a goddess, to have a man eager to serve you.

You aren't necessarily experienced, as I am not either, you must find a completely dominant lifestyle to be very enticing, whether you'd been in one for years or only dreamed about it. You love the sounds of what I want to do to you.

You are passionate, you love life, you are happy. You feel good about your place in the Universe and direction of your life. You are always trying to better yourself, you aren't content to live your life in your house in front of the TV.

You have a spiritual side, ideally you are practiced in some form of meditative exercise and enjoy doing so.

You have opinions on important things particularly about life, are intelligent and can converse about many interesting, deep issues. If we did converse we would learn from each other's viewpoints. I feel a connection with you.

You are capable of having a healthy relationship with a man without excessive baggage. I can't stress how important it is that I am not your way to get out your frustration with men. I am your reward, your prize for being one of few who meet these criteria. You enjoy our relationship for what it is, for your own reasons as long as they aren't based out of negativity.

You are interested in many of the things I crave in a dominate/submissive relationship. Any other men in your life would not be involved in our activities, though you are, of course, free to do whatever you like as long as I don't participate.

You would view our relationship as an adventure, a way to experience and enjoy life in a unique way.

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That's it, my full confession, where I stand completely in regards to my submissive side and what I want to experience with it in the future. I got a lot out of writing that, hopefully if you took the time to read it all you gained some value from it as well.

Thanks for reading.