Confessions 11

My boyfriend Adam and I have been together for roughly 2 years, since I was a freshman and he was a junior in college. Right now he is at law school and I'm still working on my undergrad degree. We get along great, love each other, and have a lot of fun together, and I can see things going far with us, but lately we've had a few problems. I've had a difficult past and because of it I find it really hard to open up about my feelings or let loose and lose control. While Adam knows about my past, it still really bothers him that I never fully let go when I'm with him; because I don't let him in all the way, he isn't as open as he could be.

Anyhow, he attends school an hour away from me, and we talk every night and spend most weekends together. While our sex life is fine -- we both derive pleasure from it -- we both know it could be better if we'd just open up. Adam was thinking about this lately and told me he had an idea that could possibly help us out.

"I think that I've solved our problem, Jessie,"

"Really? How so?" I didn't need to ask what the problem was; we'd realized 'the problem' a while back.

"I think that part of the problem is shyness about being open with our feelings. I was thinking we'd each write each other a letter with our biggest secrets -- sexual fantasies, past histories, problems, etc. Then, when I come up on Saturday we'll read them and talk about the issues we both have. This way, we won't have to voice the problems we're having but we can get them out in the open. I love you and don't want to lose you, Jessica."

I thought about this a moment, and readily agreed. This is about where I am now -- trying to write the letter. Part of the reason I haven't been honest about my issues is the fact that I'm scared of Adam's reaction, and I don't want to lose him. But, I'm slowly realizing that if I'm not open about this then I'll lose him anyway. So here goes...

"Adam-

You know I have trust issues and that I am very scared of rejection, and while I know that you wouldn't purposely hurt me I've still let doubts rule my mind. So, I ask that you not laugh at me or hate me for anything I write to you. I couldn't bear the humiliation of being rejected by you, the only man I've ever really loved.

I'll build this up slowly...The first thing I've never really voiced but is a big issue for me is my own self esteem. I judge people too harshly, including myself. I feel like I'm not attractive enough to deserve you, and that you can't really be aroused by me. Because of this, I get really self-conscious when I'm naked with you or when you are hanging out with other girls -- I feel like I can never compare. I don't know how to fix this, though I have tried in the past. Acceptance of myself isn't a problem in most areas, but with my appearance it is.

My biggest problem is a bit harder to share. It isn't a problem, really, so much as a fantasy, a type of need I have. A desire to add to our relationship in a way that would really shift the dynamic, if you can accept it.

You know I have control issues, and that I always have to have control in school and work. I don't like being vulnerable, and I don't like not knowing what will happen or how things will go. A lot of this is based on my past. With this, I also have extreme difficulty breaking down and crying, losing myself in anger, or completely letting go in orgasm.

I used to have fantasies of being tied up, because it would mean I wasn't in control. I didn't understand it at first, but I looked up erotica with the 'tied up' theme for masturbation purposes. What I found really surprised me, but it helped me understand myself a lot better.

It turns out that some people can have dominant tendencies, and some people submissive tendencies. There is a whole sub-culture of BDSM -- Bondage/discipline, Domination/submission, and sadomasochism. Some people live as slaves 24/7, doing whatever their Masters command them to, and following all sorts of rules. Other people simply get off on pain and the bondage. There is one other group that I understood most.

Some submissives enjoy living independent lives, with careers and opinions of their own, keeping control in work and school, and equality in the relationship -- except for in the bedroom. In sexual areas, these submissives surrender control to their Doms (or Masters), letting him take control and decide what happens and how. He would control her pleasure -- when she had it, how she had it -- if she had it at all. She would strive to please him, and if she disobeyed she'd be punished. Of course, there is often a safe word just in case something didn't go as planned. Safe, sane, and consensual is the general dynamic.

What I learned called out to me. I knew I had these submissive feelings before I met you, but I've never explored them much. I don't know if I like pain, but I know I want to submit to you. I want to be tied up by you, spanked by you. I want to be teased and to need your permission to orgasm. I want your pleasure to be my focus and in turn I will be pleased. I want to beg you for satisfaction and then share mind-blowing orgasms with you.

The trust required for this type of relationship is intense, but I want that. I want to know that I can surrender completely to you, trust you completely, and you will still love me. I want to know that you have the control and I can't decide what happens or how I respond -- if you command me to let go I would have to let go, or be punished. But keep in mind, punishment itself could be pleasurable. I want clamps and floggers and wax, denial and release. I long to kneel at your feet.

There are times when school has been very stressful, and I'm having difficulties, and I'm so glad to see you and be in your arms -- but I so very much want to just hand over all control to you to. I want to sit at your feet when watching TV and just have you stroke my hair.

Part of the reason I was so attracted to you in the first place was your strength, your protective nature, and your natural dominance. I just didn't know how to bring this up. If you don't have these kinds of desires, my admittance of them could completely ruin things. I love you and couldn't bear that kind of rejection from you. I can barely write this, and don't know how I'm going to handle you reading it. Please don't hate me."

The next Saturday, Adam came up to visit me like he usually does. I don't think I've ever been so nervous in my life, waiting for the moment he'd read my letter. I tried watching TV, but just sat there staring into space. When the doorbell rang, I must've jumped a foot. When I answered it, as expected Adam was there. Also per usual, he took my breath away.

Adam is about 6'3", maybe 200lbs, with really muscular arms. He isn't one of those lanky tall guys, but rather he is strong. He has shorter dark brown hair, just long enough to grab with my fingers in the heat of passion, and he has dark blue eyes that turn a silvery blue when he's especially aroused or angry. He has a strong jaw, with full lips and adorable dimples. Usually I can read his expressions easily, but at that moment I couldn't breathe, let alone read him. Adam sensed my nervousness, and walked in, shutting and locking the door behind him. He picked me up as if I weighed nothing and walked over to the couch, turning off the TV and holding me close to him. I silently wrapped my arms around him and held tight, burying my head in his chest as he rubbed my back softly.

"Oh, Jessie, its ok. You don't have to be this worried, it's just me. I love you honey," Adam whispered in my ear. I finally stopped trembling and calmed down enough to look up at him.

"Adam, do we have to exchange letters? I'm scared."

"Jessie, that's just the problem. If we have so much fear we can't be honest with one another, than this relationship is doomed to fail." I buried my head in his chest again, curling up in his arms.

"How do we do this then?"

"One of us will give the other the letter, and then that person will read it, and then we'll talk about it before reading the other one. Would you like to go first, or would you rather I do?"

"Oh God, I don't know. Either way involves you reading my letter. Just get it out of the way, please." I pulled the letter out of my pocket and shoved it into his hands. He started to open it, and I freaked out. "I can't handle this -- I can't watch as you read it. If you still want me when you're done I'll be in my room."

At that, I left and went to my room, closing the door and crying silently in to my pillow. A few minutes later, I heard the door open and I just cried harder into my pillow, humiliated beyond belief. Adam sat down on the bed, pulled me to him, and resumed stroking my hair and comforting me.

"Its ok honey, let it out, just cry it out." When I had finished crying I just remained with my face hidden, too embarrassed by my crying and my confession to face him.

"Little one, look me in the eye," Adam commanded me sternly. The tone of his voice was gentle, yet brooked no arguments. I looked up slowly, the intensity of his gaze sending chills of arousal and vulnerability down my spine -- it was as if he could read my soul. "I think no less of you, I don't hate you -- I love you." At his words I let out a deep breath that I hadn't realized I'd been holding.

"I didn't suspect you had these desires, Jessie, but I understand them. There is really no point to reading my letter, because it's essentially the same, only in reverse. I thought at the beginning that you may be a natural submissive, but I didn't know how to talk about it without you thinking I'm a creep. Had I known you felt the same way, I would've established the dynamic from the beginning. I've been a Dom since I was a freshman in college, and before I met you I'd experimented with it in clubs and such, learning as much as possible. I never wanted a doormat, or anyone less than my equal, but I want to dominate you completely in the bedroom. I want you to look down in submission. I want to tease you for hours until you're sobbing, begging me for completion." At his words, I'm sure my face was a study in surprise, relief, and excitement. His words comforted me and aroused me at the same time, breaking through my barriers slowly.

"I hope you realize that now we can never go back, Jess. I won't ever settle for less than your complete submission to me in the bedroom now. You will be my submissive slut in private, and I won't let you continue to hide yourself from me -- mentally and physically. You are a beautiful, intelligent woman, and I will own your heart and body, just as you will have possession of mine."

I just hugged Adam even tighter, muttering thank god. His hand pulled my mouth to his, and we kissed passionately, his tongue slowly teasing my lips and tongue, his fingers gently caressing the back of my neck and my ears, making me shudder helplessly in his arms. Adam slowly pulled away from me, giving me a long, passionate glance, and then in seemingly slow motion he put his hands on my shoulders, pushing gently. I slid from the bed, kneeling at his feet with his hands on my shoulders. He continued to gaze into my eyes, his turning the stormy silver, and I couldn't help but shudder, aroused and increasingly vulnerable to him.

After a few more minutes (more like seconds, but it felt much longer), Adam broke the look and in a somewhat husky voice asked me if I had plans for the weekend.

"No, I don't have class again until Tuesday," I responded, "and I have nothing else I need to get done here."

"We're going to my apartment then. I want privacy with you. I plan on exploring a lot of boundaries this weekend." The last past he said with a wicked grin, and I could feel my nipples harden even more.

After grabbing clothes and my school books for Tuesday, Adam packed up his car. He had me strip down and decided that he would dress me for the ride. As he looked through my closet, I shivered a bit, feeling even more self-conscious just standing there naked in front of him. Adam again sensed my discomfort and turned back around to me.

"Oh no you don't -- come here," Adam told me. I walked over to him, not covering myself but wanting to desperately. Adam took my hand and pulled me over to my floor length mirror. He stood behind me, grabbed my hands in one of his and pulled them behind my back, exposing me even further.

"What do you see when you look in the mirror, Jessica?" Adam asked me.

"I see myself...imperfection. Too much weight, not tan enough, breasts not big enough..." I get a bit choked up and stop talking, looking at the floor, avoiding looking at myself.

"From this point on, Jess, what you see needs to be filtered through my eyes. Do you have any idea what I see when I look at you? I see the woman I love, who is perfection to me." At this point, Adam uses his hand to gently caress my nipples and breasts.

"I see my nipples and my breasts, begging to be nibbled and fondled. They fit in my hands perfectly, and are deliciously sensitive." Adam leaned down and kissed my neck gently before pinching my nipples somewhat viciously, making me gasp in surprised pain and arousal.

"I see my waist and hips, begging to be tickled, perfectly matched for my size," as his hand reaches down and playfully tickles and pinches my side, before moving to pinch and grab my ass, "and my ass, perfectly curved and begging to be spanking -- something I can't wait to do," which is said with a wicked look in his eye.

"You may not be perfect to other people, Jessica, but that doesn't matter. You are perfect to me, for me. I've long thought of your body as belonging to me, and now I hope you will as well, and that you will get over your fears. I would not be with you if I didn't find you beautiful, smart, charming, and funny." He turned me around and hugged me again, kissing me gently at first before devouring my mouth. I shuddered helplessly in his arms, feeling arousal course through me.

"I want you to wait on the bed, kneeling with your legs spread as wide as possible and your arms behind your back. Make sure to keep your eyes closed -- I'm going to trust that you aren't peeking, ok?" Adam asked.

"Yes Adam," I responded.

"What was that?"

"Yes, s-Sir."

"Much better...thank you pet."

I couldn't really tell what was going on, just that Adam was rustling through my things. I heard a few chuckles after a drawer opened, and assumed he found my porn collection. A few minutes later, I could sense that Adam was closer to me. After a few more minutes, Adam told me to lie down and spread my legs widely and put my arms above my head. I did as directed, and felt my legs being secured apart to the bedposts, and my hands cuffed to the headboard.

"I found a few helpful toys in my quick search, so I hope you won't mind if I use them? You may open your eyes." I opened my eyes and could see Adam at the foot of the bed, staring at my exposed and vulnerable body like a starving man -- I could tell his lust was consuming him.

Adam climbed onto the bed and straddled me, using his arms to keep the majority of his weight off of me. He moved down and kissed me lightly, kissing first my forehead, than my nose. He kissed each cheek before finally reaching my lips. His tongue explored my mouth without hesitation, possessing me through this minute but intense contact. I could feel my nipples begin to harden against his chest, and I arched up slightly trying to gain some contact. Adam sat up for a moment and stripped off his shirt. When he resumed kissing me, I could feel the hair on his chest gently teasing my nipples, hardening them further.

Adam's hand moved, stroking and tenderly tickling my earlobe, while his other played in my hair. I let myself become completely lost in the moment of our kiss, his lips consuming me, loving me. His mouth moved down to suck and nibble on my ear before kissing down my neck, moving to my nipples. I felt the heated strength of his lips envelope my right nipple, his teeth nibbling lightly, teasing me. I tried to arch against my bonds, to get more of the teasing suction, but found myself tethered too tightly to the bed to do much to help my cause. As his mouth played with one nipple, his strong fingers would pinch and twist the other -- he would switch nipples, alternating fleeting caresses with rough pinching, gentle sucking with hard nibbling until I was shuddering almost nonstop, leaving my pussy desperate for his touch.

Adam moved a hand down to check my readiness, and upon discovering how wet I was he nearly growled into my chest. He got up quickly, leaving me moaning in frustrated desire. After hurriedly stripping his pants and boxers, Adam sheathed himself before moving back over me. He resumed kissing me, one hand moving to finally fondle my clit. While stroking my clit he entered me, imitating the act with his tongue simultaneously. I couldn't help moaning into his mouth, frustrated at my limited range of motion but more turned on by it at the same time.

I was trying to hold back my orgasm, as Adam's hard cock thrust inside me. He would speed up for a while, and then abruptly slow down again, teasing the entrance of my pussy endlessly. He stopped touching my clit as he sensed me nearing a climax, waiting until the desperation of my response died down a bit before speeding back up. After seemingly endless moments of heated, passionate arousal, I surrendered to my lust completely.

"OH God, please Sir, please Adam -- I need to cum so badly! Please let me cum! I don't *gasp* think *moan* I can hold out much longer. I need your cock, your possession...*moan* please Sir, please!"

After a few prolonged moments of holding back from me, Adam thrust harder than before, a few quick, strong strokes. He grabbed my clit, pinching in roughly as he kissed me lustfully. He pulled away from my lips only to growl in my ear, "Cum for me Jessie, my little one, don't hold anything back!" I climaxed harder than ever before, screaming into his mouth. I could feel Adam's entire body clench as he too climaxed, as a rainbow of colors and an explosion of feeling traveled through every nerve ending on my body, sending pleasure into every pore. I think I may have passed out from the pleasure, as the next thing I remember is being untied with Adam holding me tightly in his loving arms, whispering how right things finally were and how much he loved me.