Chitchat

He steps back into the bathroom. I am standing just outside the door. He turns and looks at me through the doorway. I cannot read him at all. I look into his eyes and horrifically see nothing. I find myself grasping at my instincts to guide me. I am trying to feel our connection, but my thoughts are like a fortress. I can't see past them, I am locked in.

His body posture softens a bit and a small tilt of his head almost seems to silently challenge, "Do you still want to be here?" I am self conscious of the fact that I cannot take my eyes off of him. He speaks, "You can stop anytime." Instead of offering me relief, those words push me further off balance. I am implicated. Not only am I his property, I am a co-conspirator. My stomach is turning. Then it hits me, this is what it feels like to be submissive. This is what it feels like to relinquish all control. I have never felt this way before.

I start to further recognize my feelings, I am experiencing worry, and doubt. He is a stranger. A stranger with a darkness that attracted me, mesmerized me. It's been a very long time that I have felt so vulnerable in a sexual situation. The fear I have right now, is very reminiscent of the fear that I had that fateful day a very long time ago. The main difference is, I am a grown woman now with experience. I should know better, and yet my desire to serve him has overridden better judgement.

All along this has been the case with him. I am inexplicably drawn to him and to the way he makes me feel. I have already crossed multiple personal boundaries, with nothing more than a nudge from him. Each small coercion leads me further and further away from my safety zone. All these small gentle pushes have culminated in me treading so far, I can't even recognize who I used to be.

Entering this dimension of being face to face with him is jarring. Relating to him in person without the safety net of physical space is causing me to compare him to what I am familiar with. I am used to my well being being prioritized by my partner. I am used to be protected. Standing here with him I realize that not only am I not protected, but I may be prey. My mind is running away. I am defaulting to old feelings of distrust and danger. I feel a bit dizzy.

Not so much out of compassion, but more out of the need to salvage the situation, he steps forward and for the first time, pulls me into his chest. There will be time later on to enjoy the entertainment factor of watching me tear myself apart. But for right now, he knows that he must step in and take control.

While he holds me, he bemuses the fact that he thinks he can read my emotions so readily and yet there is this wild card factor that makes things interesting. He knows that this is like nothing he has previously engaged in. And the best part for him is he has nothing to lose. His risk is minimal, his reward great. Who wouldn't take a chance at this investment?

The difficulty for him lies in the inability for him to genuinely relate to me. If he could just enter my mind space for a moment and feel it, he could even more readily capture more, gain further ownership. But the truth is, he cannot. For all of our shared thoughts and compatibilities, he knows there is a great chasm at our core. It is this gulf that draws us to one another and creates such need. We are equally hooked. So many answers lie within the other person.

His arms around me like this are starting to break down my physical walls. I soak in the feeling of him, and he feels good. Better than good. I begin to feel my desire welling up and taking over. I am getting high. I am letting go. I am his.

I can feel his hardness pressing against me. Knowing that he desires me is like a drug. Being close and up against him gives me the stability I needed. This moment of letting go might just be the most erotic connection I have ever felt. I am entering a space where I become blank.