What should I have done after fifteen years and five kids? I ask because I really don't know. Should I have waited another fifteen years? What do you do when you tell your husband, "I want to be controlled. I want to be degraded and humiliated." I begged him to go out into the world and cheat on me. "Come back and tell me she was so much better than I am. Make me suck your cock with her juices all over your shaft. No really. Go do that. It would make me so freaking wet. Talk dirty to her on the phone while I'm folding laundry. Take her out to dinner on my birthday."
That was the life I wanted. No. That was the life I needed. He told me, "Shannon, I'm afraid I'll lose you if I start doing those kinds of things."
In my mind I answered back,
Paul, I'm afraid you'll lose me if you don't
.
You get to a point in your life where you just don't care anymore. I've been pretty selfless for a long time, raising a family the best I could. Maybe all those selfless nights of cooking dinner for seven people, cleaning up after everyone, sucking off a husband who hasn't gone down on me since before we were married, maybe all that earned me something.
I know I'm not normal. No "normal" person craves the things I crave. Wanting my husband to cheat on me barely scratches the surface. I wanted him to make me clean and never be satisfied with the job I did. Every time he found a speck of dust I wanted him to drag me into the bedroom by my hair and beat my ass until it bruised. It sounds crazy, I know, but something about that makes me so freaking wet. At least that way I could live my life knowing he was the kind of man who kept his women in place. All he does now in his free time is play video games, watch TV, and sleep. "Will you slap me around a little tonight, daddy?"
"Babe, you know it freaks me out when you call me daddy. And I am not hitting my wife."
I didn't go on Craigslist to meet someone. I was just looking. I feel like I need to be clear on that point. But, it's when you aren't looking you find something amazing. I went through the ad and they were all pretty predictable. "Ten inches of hard cock." "Normal Nice Guy Looking for Some Action Tonight." "Wife is Out of Town. Let's Play."
It was harmless fun. It allowed me to fantasize about what if. What if I could live the life of the whore I always wanted to be. What would that even look like? Would I be allowed to wear clothes or would I be kept naked 24/7? Would I live out the hours I wasn't in use in a cage or tied to a bed, ready to have my holes use at any moment? About twenty ads deep, I noticed one titled, "Looking for a Cock Sucking, Cum Guzzling, Worthless Whore."
Hello, I think I'm in love.
The author of the ad wrote every word with me in mind. It was as if he had been inside my head and pulled out all the things I begged my husband for. I didn't even realize, but midway through reading the ad, I started rubbing myself. This is what it said:
Listen to me very carefully. You're worthless and pathetic. Deep down you know it, don't you? The only thing you're good for is taking cocks in all your stupid fucking holes. Have you ever been with a real sadistic fuck? Someone who looks at you like you're nothing? We both know that's a woman's place, on her fucking knees at a man's feet. Let me show you how low and small you can feel. I'm going to get inside your head and take over. I'll make you obsessed with me. Give me an inch and I'll take everything you have. That's why you've been so unhappy all your life. You don't have anyone to make your decisions for you. You don't have anyone to take over your mind and body. Well, that's all about to change, whore. You're going to message me because the way I talk to you makes you wet. You're going to message me because you want me to hurt you. You're going to message me because I am the only one who knows how to make you cum. Yeah, that's right. I know you almost never orgasm when you're fucking all those other losers you've been with. I know the secret to making you cum is reminding you how pathetic you are. I'll laugh at you when you're on your knees gagging on my cock. I'll slap my dick all over your cum-drenched face. I'm going to tie you up and make your ass sting. I'm going put a gag in your slut-mouth. I'm going to wrap my hand around your throat as I fuck your worthless cunt. Nothing you've ever experienced will be anything like this. You can feel it inside you as you read these words. You already know that you're going to message me. You've already decided you don't give a fuck about the consequences. You're a dirty, pathetic, sad little whore. It's time you had a man in your life who treated you as such.
See what I mean. It was perfect. I couldn't believe I messaged him. His name was Tom. He was married, over six feet tall; no kids. Talking to him was surreal. He knew all of my fantasies. Even the ones I couldn't tell my husband. Even the ones I couldn't admit to myself. "How do you know all this about me?" I asked.
"I know you're type," he said. "I'm not saying you're common. But you're not unique. Lots of woman have these fantasies. Did you think you were all alone on this island?"
"Yeah, Kind of. That's pretty much exactly what I thought.
The next few days were the wettest of my life. I refreshed my email over and over waiting for his responses. There was no telling what he might say. One minute he asked about my marriage, and then without warning he described screwing another girl in front of me. We talked about life growing up, and somehow, he transitioned to all the different ways he wanted to spank me. He made me sneak into the bathroom so I could listen to him degrade me as I touched myself. My husband laid on the bed with his eyes glued to his tabled. My kids screamed at one another downstairs. And there I was looking at myself in the mirror, with my cell phone up to my ear, and my hand between my legs.
In the morning I counted the minutes until my husband left for work. In the evening I dreaded the moment he came home. I made excuses to go to the store before closing so I could park in the dark, rub my clit, and get off to his voice.
What am I doing? This is going too far!
"I don't want to cheat on Paul," I said at one point.
Tom responded by asking, "Would it be cheating if you came over and cleaned out my fridge? Nothing needed to happen beyond that. I know how badly you want to be used. I have a dirty fridge. You have the need to be used as a service slave. So, what do you say? Do you want to clean for me?"
I didn't think Paul wanted me scrubbing another man's fridge, but was it cheating? I mean, what if Tom was a woman? What if she was a friend of mine who hurt her back, I wondered? Then, I'd be a good friend helping someone out in her time of need. In fact, I didn't see a reason to mention it? It was such a small thing. I wouldn't mention the mail being delivered. I wouldn't mention taking the dog out to poop. Would I care if the roles were reversed? If Paul wanted to go over to some woman's house to clean out her gutters, what would be the big deal? No. I don't think so. If anything, I would have been impressed with my husband, the good Samaritan. "I don't see how anyone could reasonably see that as cheating," I finally answered Tom
"Good. It's settled."
And that was how I came to be driving forty-five minutes to some stranger's house to clean his refrigerator. Even though nothing was going to happen, I still put on the shortest skirt I owned. I wore a tight, low cut V-neck shirt, with a bra that practically pushed my ladies up to my chin. I must have looked at myself in the mirror twenty times. I put my panties on and took them off over and over again.
Wear them or leave them?
I couldn't decide.