Grown men don't cry, do they?
They do. And I am crying.
I am crying, begging and pleading for the agony to stop; wishing and desperately hoping that she will yield and show mercy to me, but I know my cause is hopeless. She will not submit to my pitiful cries and deep down, I do not want her to.
My situation is somewhat strange: I separated from my wife and moved into a one half of a small country cottage on the outskirts of a plush village a few weeks before Christmas. I was welcomed by my new neighbour: a playful, cheerful young lady called Natalie, when she returned from her holiday. The walls were thin, but it was relatively cheap to rent, and I had a bedroom, shower, kitchen and living space as well as a shared garden that was not overlooked. It was perfect as I adjusted to my new life as a single man.
A shortage of ready cash meant that I intended to see in the New Year at home, and on learning that I would be alone, Natalie invited me to her flat for her "get together" with her friends. The cynic in me thought that if I was upstairs with her, then she wouldn't need to worry about the noise that her party made, but I appreciated the company.
I brought a couple bottles of wine, and was introduced to all of Natalie's friends, who were upwardly mobile, ambitious but borderline alcoholics and by the time Big Ben was bonging, it was just Natalie and myself who were not comatose or incoherent. "What's your New Year resolution?" She asked with glazed eyes as we talked alone in the kitchen, both of us keen to be away from the totally inebriated individuals.
"I'm going to lose weight," I promised. "I need to lose a couple of stone and it won't shift."
"You really want to?" She enquired. "I mean really want to?" She looked at me, trying to decide something as she appeared pensive. I never realised at the time, but on reflection there was a reticence and excitement in her facial expression that oozed scheming witch and screamed warning signals. "I have a plan that will make you lose weight but ..." She hesitated and peered through the doorway to her lounge, to check she wasn't being overheard. "It's not for the feint-hearted, but my friend lost over two stone by August and it works."
"Are you a fitness instructor?"
She laughed. "No. This is more ... intimate."