Bonds of Love

I take a deep cleansing breath before I enter the office, hoping everyone is busy enough not to notice I am an hour late or the fact that I look like shit this morning, from crying all night. I make a concerted effort to avoid everyone and almost make it to the sanctity of my office before I hear a familiar voice behind me. "And where have you been, missy? Do you know that you are over an hour late?" Shit! I freeze, I'm busted. I pause briefly, bracing myself for the deluge.

Slowly turning around I prepare to face The Maci Inquisition. The playful smirk on Maci's face immediately falls into one of sincere concern. "Oh, My God, Lexi! What in the hell happened to you? Are you sick? You really aren't hung over from last night, are you? I didn't think you drank that much at Jenna's party. You look like you have been crying. What's happened?" Maci fires questions at me in rapid succession.

I sigh and turn away, growling as I duck into my office "And hello to you too, Maci. Geez, I haven't even got to my desk and you're already hounding me?" Scowling at my agitation, Maci continues her interrogation.

"Okay girl, spill it. What happened after I left last night? You were fine when I left you and I thought you were leaving too."

I love Maci, but today I'm really not inclined to share the events that unfolded after we parted ways last night. We were best friends in high school, but we lost touch after graduation. Five years ago we reconnected when both started working for the same employer. Ever since then we have been there for each other, shared our life stories, through the her painful break-up from her high school sweetheart, the death of my father, parenthood and most everything in between.

"Nick and I had a huge fight last night when I got home. It ended with me kicking him out of the bedroom. When I got up this morning he was gone and now I don't know what to think." I explain as briefly as I can, fighting back the urge to cry, again.

"Oh Lexi, hun, I am so sorry. Is there anything I can do?" Maci's expression has changed to one of sympathy.

"Um, no,".......I quip. "I really don't want to talk about it right now." I tell her in a clipped tone. I don't mean to be so curt with her but I can't deal with that sympathetic look in her eyes and her feeling sorry for me right now.

"Oh! Uh o-okay. I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you, Alexia. You know I'm here for you if you need to talk." She shrugs apologetically.

"Thanks, I know" I mutter giving her a sad smile.

"You're sure you don't wanna talk?" Maci asks as she reluctantly leaves my office, hesitating for my answer before pulling the door closed behind her. I shake my head never looking up and I bury my face in my hands trying to shut out the world.

I attempt to delve into the files on my desk, trying to distract myself from the dark cloud of worry hanging over me. I struggle through the morning trying to finish the case files I've been reviewing. I have been reading the same page over and over. Ugh! I am getting no where and I slam the file shut. I've kept my door closed all morning. Luckily, Maci and the rest of the staff have steered clear me this morning giving me some space.

I check my phone for what seems to be the hundredth time for any contact from Nicholas. Nothing no text, no call or anything, I wonder if I should try to call him. I have really screwed things up this time. My eyes settle at the frame sitting on the corner of my desk. I stare at our wedding photo, our smiling faces stare back at me with all the promise of a happy future. I try to quell a terrible feeling of dread that I may have gone too far pushing my husband to a breaking point. A soft knock on my door causes me to look up seeing Maci standing there waving a white tissue taped to a pencil. Her makeshift flag of surrender makes me roll my eyes and I laugh in spite of my mood.

"Hey Bestie, I know it's earlier than usual for lunch, but why don't we go on downstairs and beat the lunch crowd? They have Cherry Cheesecake on the menu today. Pleeeeease?" Maci begs with a little pout. She her uncanny ability to lift my spirits is really annoying sometimes. "It's just lunch. No counseling session and no 20 questions, I promise." She smiles brightly. Maybe she's going to cut me some slack and not ask any more about Nick or ask me to elaborate on my earlier comments. If I know Maci, my guess is probably not.

"Please Lexi, I know cheesecake is your favorite comfort food and you do deserve to splurge every once in a while. I promise it won't destroy your diet. You have worked so hard to make a 40 something body into a 20 year old sex on legs. There is no way I'm not about to let you fall off the wagon now."

She winks at me playfully. Maci knows how hard I have worked over the last several months exercising and dieting my way back to a lean size 8. I had hoped that turning my 5'3" athletic built frame back into a toned, tanned hard body that it once was, would ignite the fiery passion that my husband and I once had. Although other men have more than noticed, Nick rarely seems to acknowledge that I'm nothing more than a frumpy 40 year old mother of two. Every once in a while he will make a comment that I'm really looking good, but it has yet to re-ignite any passion like we once had. I am deeply committed to my marriage and neither has ever betrayed our wedding vows. This I know, with all of my being, I know that.

"Hellooooo? Lexi? Are you still with me? Lunch and cheesecake, remember? Can ya help a girl out? I'm wasting away here. And I'm not taking no for an answer." Maci asks as she waves her hand in front of my face. I sigh and shrug my shoulders

"Okay, okay. Fine, Maci, you win. I accept, you are too difficult to argue with anyway. I have enough arguing for a while. Let's go."

Surrprisingly, Maci has not asked anymore about last night or this morning. She was gracious enough to keep the conversation light . As we head back to our department, I confess to Maci, "Well, I think I'm going to leave early, today. Do you think you can cover for me, since I came in hour later already? Hopefully, around 2 o'clock at the latest, I'm really not making any progress on my case files anyway." Maci feigns a look of shock as she grabs her chest faking a heart attack,

"What? You? Leave early? Is this the Apocalypse? Alexia Stockton never leaves work early!" Maci scoffs at me and I scowl back at her.

"Well, you already know, Nick and I had an argument." I decide to go ahead and tell Maci the whole story. "When I got home from Jenna's party, I had a little buzz and wanting to show Nick what I bought at the party. He was asleep on the couch, so I thought I would surprise him. So I undressed and slide under the covers with him. I was trying to get something started when he woke up suddenly and pushed me off of him sending me crashing to the floor. I managed to swallow my embarrassment, determined to follow through with my seduction. He picked me up off the floor and pulled me into his and made sure I was okay. I took advantage of the close proximity and began flirting with him and kissing his neck. He stiffened and pulled away, he then told me I was drunk and needed to sleep it off. I was humiliated and mortified."

"My mortification morphed into rage and....well, I went off. I ended up accusing him of having an affair because no normal red-blooded man would ever turn down sex. I told him I was sick and tired of playing house and being nothing more than his maid and roommate. I .........," pausing a moment before I could continue, I glance at Maci. The expression on her face was unreadable completely aghast. " I—uh, I told him, he had better decide if he wanted me or not because I was sick of being rejected and that I have had to turn men away who had been hitting on me when I go out with my girlfriends. They wanted to take me to bed, unlike him who seemed totally disgusted with me. The shocked look on his face broke my heart Maci, but I meant it and he just stared at me. I stormed off to the bedroom, before the tears came. When I slammed the door on him and locked it, he must have realized I wasn't kidding. He begged me to let him in so we could talk, he beat on the door for an hour before finally giving up. I'm tired of talking Maci, it always ends up with how sorry he is and me forgiving him. I cried all night. When I got up this morning, there was no sign of him. I hope maybe I could get home early and fix us a nice dinner. Hopefully fix this mess I've made. I just hope he comes home."

"Lexi, have you tried calling him?" Maci asks softly

"I'm afraid to....what if he doesn't want to talk to me? I need him to call me." I explain, my reasoning makes no sense. "

"Maybe you should try calling him or sending a text." Maci suggests.

"I-I don't know. What do I say? I won't say I'm sorry because I'm not. I finally said what I felt without sugar-coating things to spare his feelings. I am still angry. I know it was me who broke the ties of communication; he hasn't even tried to reach me all day. I just don't know what to do. I am so confused. If I back down and give in, then I'm still stuck in a sexless marriage. If I don't reach out to him I could lose him altogether and I really don't want that either. Maci, regardless of everything else, I love Nick. I love him more than life itself, just knowing he loves me isn't enough anymore. I need physical proof. "

I suddenly realize that I involved Maci much more in my personal life than I planned. I am a very private person when it comes to my marriage. I had always consciously kept details about my sex life and the disappointment that my marriage private but I have reached a breaking point.....a breaking point between Nick and I that may not be repairable and I can't hold these thoughts in any longer.

Maci is always there offering kind words of advice, support and encouragement, even when she knew there was more than what I had been saying. Its humiliating to admit that the steamy hot sex I used to have with my husband would ever just dissipate. He used to be insatiable, sex on a daily basis. When the kids came along, the responsibilities of parenthood took the place of our sex-capades. Now that the kids are out of the house and on their own, I had hoped we could rekindle that fire we once had. I never dreamed the WE would suffer from empty nest syndrome. I always made a conscious effort to separate motherhood and womanhood.

So far I haven't been able to get back the fiery passion we once had. . . and now I have found myself at a turning point that my marriage may truly be falling apart. Maci gives me a sympathetic smile as if she knows exactly what I'm thinking.

The silence between us lingers, awkwardness fills the room. In a quick effort to fill the awkward pause, I add brightly, "Wow, you know, that cheesecake you talked me into was awesome! Now I will have to spend an extra hour on the treadmill to work that off! I really did enjoy it, though. You always know how to brighten my day."

"I really need to finish those two case files and then I'm heading home. Hopefully, I can slip a nap in before cooking dinner. I didn't sleep at all last night. Too bad I can't just spend the rest of the day at the spa being pampered, massaged, waxed and beautified and then be ravaged all night by my husband...but I have a better chance winning the lottery......Maci, thanks again, for everything , you're the best." I give her a hug and I think to myself, right now I just hope Nick comes home.

Maci returns the hug and whispers, "Hey girl, I'm just returning the favor. You would do the same for me and come to mention it, you have. Besides you never know, maybe that husband of yours might hit his head, wake up and realize what a smoking hot wife he's married to. And he should count his lucky stars you are as devoted as you are. Most women would have been seeking satisfaction elsewhere a long time ago. He's neglected you way too long."

"Yes, I know, you have told me that before, several times in fact. I just can't believe my luck, most husbands would beg to have a sex mad and insatiable wife like me." I grin at her giving her a mischievous wink.

"He's too damned lucky is all I have to say, hope he wakes up before its too late," she tosses over her shoulder as she heads back to her work station.

I head back to my desk. I open the same chart that I have been struggling to get through all morning. As I try to focus on my work, my mind drifts. I think back over the last night's events and over the past several years trying to pinpoint where our sex life de-railed, the lengths I have gone to get us back on track, all the conversations we've had, all of our history.

We were soul-mates since the very beginning. After one of his buddies set us up on a blind date, we fell in love almost instantly. I fought my feelings for several weeks even after he had professed his love on our second date. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and wasn't ready to get too involved with anyone. He was so patient and never gave up on me.

I was in my second year of college. Nicholas had just graduated and was struggling to build his own marketing firm. Even on our first date, we felt as if we had known each other all our lives. We married as soon as I graduated and we had the wedding of my dreams. Nicholas' firm started out a little slow and we struggled to keep the lights on and the bills paid. For several years into our marriage, it was my income that kept us going. But we made it. We successfully raised our two beautiful children and are living the American Dream. Well, almost.

I have given him my heart, my body and my soul. He owns me; I need him just as much as I need air to breath. I would do ANYTHING he asked, to have him want me; desire me, to ravage me with passionate kisses and his searing touch. I feel more like his room mate that's available when he wants a release, usually oral sex compliments of me. I enjoy pleasing him, so I do whatever he wants and knowing that I can still make him putty in my hands and that gives me hope that all is not lost. He does make an effort to please me but it makes me feel like he feels obligated to take care of me. He makes me feel rushed that I need to hurry up so he can get his. There IS passion when I can get him focused. He is so absorbed in his work and ESPN.

Last night during our argument, I made it crystal clear that if things didn't change that I was very close to leaving him. I'm tired of being his cook, his maid and his roommate that shares the household expenses and I am finished begging for attention and being little more that his whore. The pained look on his face still haunts me as I slammed the door in his face. When I got up this morning he was gone.

All at once the gravity of the situation hits me like a speeding truck, leaving me breathless. Have I given him his opportunity to leave? In the 25 years we have been together and we have never gone to bed without resolving an argument between us, until last night.

Oh, God, what have I done? The knot in my stomach tightens and I feel like I am going to lose my lunch. My hands start to tremble and my mind races. Does he really believe I could leave him? There is no way I ever would but I was pretty convincing. I want HIM, dammit, there is no one else for me! God, I want him so bad. Just like in those damned novels I've been reading. I just want passion and overwhelming desire. I want him to take over in the bedroom, claim me, acting out scenes of dominance and submission. That's what I want. I want him to take control, take his time, push my limits, and make me beg, punish me, and take me to those dark places in my psyche. I have learned I like being a submissive to him, to use my body for his pleasure, but I want to be satisfied too! I want to totally trust that he will take care of me.

I jump as my cell phone chirps with a text message, snapping me back to reality. The split second it takes me to grab my phone, hope soars. Oh maybe it's Nick! However, it's only Maci and my heart drops.

QUIT WORRYING AND GET BACK TO WORK

OR YOU WILL NEVER GET OUT OF HERE!

I look around only to find her in the doorway her cell phone in one hand, shaking a finger and chastising me with the other. I hide my anxiety and flash a weak, fake smile in her direction and nod trying to hide my frenzied thoughts, she nods and gives me a thumbs up before turning back to her desk. "Alexia, you have got to snap out of this!" I tell myself. As I fight back the rising nausea and panic of what I have done, again the tears threaten. I slip off to the ladies room to collect my thoughts and pull myself back together.

Moments later, I return, noticing a flurry of activity and chatter near my office door. "Ugh, what now? I don't think I can deal with anything else, now? I have got to get out of here!" I sigh and make my way over to see what the commotion is all about. Maci is beaming and my co-workers turn as a unit toward me. "Alright guys, what's the ......." I stop mid-sentence, finally seeing what had everyone else buzzing about. There on MY desk is a huge bouquet of red roses! "A-Are those mine?" I am stunned. "Well duh genius, they ARE on YOUR desk! The card has your name on it. So yes, I believe so. SEE?" exclaims Maci her voice dripping with sarcasm.

My hands are shaking, I pray silently that Nick has sent them. I pull the envelope from the bouquet and tear it open. Inside I find a note written unmistakably in Nick's handwriting. My hopes soar, maybe all is not lost. I am flabbergasted, he NEVER sends me flowers. I can count on one hand the number of times he sent flowers the entire 25 years we have been together. He always tells me he hates spending money on something that is going to die in a few days and gets thrown away. On the card, he has written a rather brief and mysterious message:

FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS AWAIT YOU AT THE HOTEL DESK.

USE THE ENCLOSED KEY

P.S. GET SOME REST, YOU'RE GOING TO NEED IT!

N.

OH MY! My breathe hitches and my heart skips a beat. The enclosed keycard is to the Casino Royale Hotel downtown, the most upscale hotel in town. Intrigued by the unexpected gift, my mind is reeling from the innuendo in the message; I have forgotten that I am not alone in the room. Expectant co-workers are staring at me waiting for an explanation. My thoughts are short circuiting my manners and common sense; I'm dizzy, I think I may faint.

I sit down in a daze. "Um, it's from my husband. We had a fight last night and he's apologizing." It's not exactly what the card said but hopefully it will quell the curiosity. I hear the entire group as if on cue, sigh and I thought I heard someone mutter "isn't that sweet".

Everyone except Maci was satisfied by my statement, as they collectively return to their work stations; she steps inside my office and closes the door.

"Okay girlfriend, our co-workers may buy that answer but you better come clean with me! I can tell by the look on your face there is more to that note than a simple, I'm sorry." All I can manage is to hand the note to her. She reads it and her eyes widen and her mouth drops open. "Lexi, Holy Shit! This is what you've been waiting for!"

All I can do is nod in agreement, I think I'm in shock. "Whatever you told him, Lexi, it must have sunk in finally. Or maybe he has been abducted by aliens and they rewired his brain circuitry." She shoots me a mischievous grin.

"Oh God, Maci! Is this really happening? If I'm dreaming, please, don't wake me up okay?"

"Oh Honey this is no dream! You are going to live out your fantasy. I can't wait to hear all the juicy details on Monday." Maci teases.

"Um well, I have no idea how I am going to concentration on those chart reviews I have to finish before I leave. I guess I need to get to it so maybe I can leave eventually." I say off handedly.