Bob the Boilerman

Gracie usually likes to put our little bit of the world to rights over breakfast coffee. "If I tell you you are going to get 200 with the Twase before you get any sex at all would you believe me."

"No love."

"That's a bit of a risky comment don't you think."

"Not at all Gracie my love"

"How so."

"When you beat me it's never long before you cum. When you cum I cum too, inside."

"You smarmy bastard. Your getting too good at no win questions and winning far too often. You need to read the book, your not supposed to win any.

Your right though for the first time in my life I find I love a good cock, I love your cock. You've turned me into a cheep slut. I love it nearly as much as I love turning your arse red. But at the moment there is a nasty little fly in my pot of ointment."

"Ahh the penny dropped "The Chair" Gracie?"

"Yes the chair."

"Your scared of it?"

No, not of it Kel, of me!

I lost control it's never happened before. I don't like it, it's not safe. Can you make yourself an escape mechanism. Yes easy. But we will have to throw it away then. It you're not in complete control it won't work for either of us, will it?"

"I know, you're right. It won't do it for me and if your saying it won't do it for you I don't know what to do. What happened scared me. Do you want to be put in it again"

"Oh God yes darling."

"Do you want to put me in it."

"Yes I do. I want you to serve me with no chance of satisfaction yourself.

"Ohh fuck Gracie then just lock me in it, for fuck sake do it. Never let me out, feed me Mars bars and piss in my mouth. As long as I'm yours I'll be happy."

"Mars Bars?"

"Yeh I laughed. The Jagger/Faithful story. I know it's not true but everyone believed back then."

"It just doesn't sink in that Gracie doesn't know a thing about the pop culture scene. Gracie just looked totally mystified. So I explained about The Stones, Mick Jagger and Marianne Faithfull. And a very badly written newspaper story about a police raid.

Gracie was so tired up with her school work she missed all this stuff. She needed to repay Stella. Stella wouldn't let her do any real work for a long time. So to show her how much she loved her Gracie worked her socks off. Anything less than an A grade in anything was unacceptable. To grace that is, not Stella. Stella probably thought she had bought into the biggest swot in the school. I said yet another silent little prayer to the goddess Stella.

But first I put "40 licks" on the stereo I'd brought withe me. "You play this a lot don't you."

"Oh yes love."

"Tell me about what you did when you were a teenager."

"Mostly wound my poor old man up love. I can do better than tell you, I can show you"

"My old man's motorbike along with my three were in my bike shed back at my house."

I pointed no old man's bike and took it for a blast when I was fifteen years old.

"You ever been on a bike Grace? "

"No never. They're dangerous."

Oh Grace, no there not, they are the most fun you can have with your clothes on.

"My best friend and her old man are bikers. I'd like to try if you will take me for a drive."

Are you serous I said. Come on let's go to my place. As we set off I explained to Gracie. A bike you ride, not drive. A car is driven. We drove the two miles to my house to 40 Licks, I have that in my truck as well as the house. Sympathy was playing when we got there.

Charlie was in the garden, just where I'd left him three months ago. What had changed was my garden. It looked 10 times better than when I left it. As far as Charlie and Alison we're concerned Gracie and I were an item these days. They saw us down at the club all the time these days. I'd got back to doing a bit of coaching. Not just Gracie but pretty much all of our lady's team. Our lady's team are a bit of an enigma. No high price talent but they have won the league four times in the last five years. They could teach the men's team a lot about term spirit. You don't play one of them, you play 11 out of the 12 of them.

Allison is the Ladies captain, to be honest I'm pretty sure she is a witch. She must be, she has to have one of the time-turner gizmos Hermione had in Harry Potter. She is mid 60s but don't look 45. She keeps Chas young as well. He has to stay fit to keep up with her.

"Coffee!" Charlie's way of inviting us in.

"I've brought Gracie over to show her the 60's."

Chas grinned. "The bikes?"

"Yes mate, mostly my Triton first then maybe a ride."

"Come in for a coffee. Alison has just taken a cake out the oven."

This is a funny situation. When we have a bowls friendly game, usually on Sunday's. The ladies of the club march with massed cakes nice sandwiches plates of chicken, ham and home made pickles, to the tea table. After everyone has had a sandwich, Allson and Gracie's cakes are always first to go. I do have to be fair here to Sandra, Malcolm's ball and chain. She makes a wonderfull pork pie.

One of the main measures of the social side of a bowls club is their standard of opposition at Sunday friendlys. Despite our wofull green, which we pay a small fortune to have maintained. Our friendlies are always oversubscribed by both home and away team's.

As a direct result of this, and in conjunction with three square meals a day plus too much cake with my coffee at Gracie's table. I now find myself in a position where I have to get out of bed at an ungodly hour to go for a run. That subject to not being lashed firmly to my Gracie's bed.

Alison makes a Victoria's sponge that could spark a new sexual perversion. They both prefer each other's cakes. So I was about to tell Chas we'd leave it for now when I spotted Gracie going through their back door. As we walked round I told chas I was going to try to get Gracie on the back of the Sunbeam.

God God man! Why that bloody awful thing. Yeh I know, it's the worse bike in my collection but it's comfortable to ride on. Watching TV football laying on the couch in the front room is comfortable. It's slightly more exciting than your Sunbeam but I won't be trying that on a Saturday afternoon either.

Charlie is not a fan of the so called "beautiful game". Oh Well you may just get around the block before that shitty worm gear on the drive shaft craps out. I'm not helping you push it up that bastard hill again

Why aren't you spending every spare moment coaching my new lead, Alison shouted at me from her kitchen. I was really pleased that the wife of my best mate and Gracie were playing so well as a pair. I've never seen two bowlers, women or men communicate so well.

There never seemed to be a word spoken yet they both knew exactly what the other required of them. It was uncanny how they had developed such a close understanding in such a short time.

It dawned on me at that moment they were both witches. Gracie was now one of the club Ladies League players. I was getting a regular bollocking from Chas on league nights for watching their rink and not concentrating on ours.

"Hi Alison, we've come to take a bike out and go for Gracie's first ride."

"Ohh" said Ally, with some obvious disappointment. "I'd have liked to have come with you."

Then why don't you two come along", I replied."

"I can't, he has sold my bike said Allison. She shot Charlie a look they would have killed a lesser man.

"I didn't say I'd get on one yet,"said Gracie.

"Don't be so bloody pink and fluffy",said Alison.

"Ive got no proper clothes said Gracie."

"Some of mine will fit", said Ally.

"I didn't know you rode," said Gracie.

"Only every chance I get" said Ally. "Even now, after he sold my Atlas!"

Oh. Have you binned the worse bike Norton ever built Chas." He bristled. "It wasn't. They built the Electra."

"OK fair point."

We can't said Ally the horrible Honda is broken."

"Bollocks you can't. I fished out my huge bunch of Keys, unhooked the key for my precious Jota and threw it to Chas.

Ally knew how hard that was for me. "Ohhh. That's a Laverda's key. Is that your Jota"

"Yup, I don't think it's a first suitable ride for my good lady."

What good lady is that then said Allison? "

"Bollocks you old tart said Gracie."

"Another piece of cake Vicar", Alison said to me."

"Ohh yes please"

"Price for you as well Disgrace".

I didn't know anyone else at all who could get away with misusing the name Stella had given Gracie, Alison could though.

Charlie chipped In, "Sort her some clothes woman. I've got to go and start one of the best bikes ever built."

"Well if you are going to take me up on the offer I'd better start the best bike ever built. My Dads Vincent Series Three Rapide. When the old man died I best my brother in the fight we had for it. It started first kick."

"Ohh," said Charlie it sounds so good."

"If your down with the kids it's sounds so bad mate."

Chas snorted. "I'm not, I'm up with the best."

"It took three kicks to get the Jota running. "That sounds good", I said. "I'm missing them Chas. I hope this works for her."

I have to say Gracie didn't look great in Ally's old leathers, but she looked good enough. I could see a trip to "Bikers Paradise" coming on if she liked this.

Take it up to Llani like you stole it Chas. We will catch you there. I think with Gracie on the back is I'd better have a bimble. We will meet you at the coffee hut.

Chas tootled up to the end of the road disappeared round the corner the bike growled and they were gone. It was good to here my pride and joy roar again. Anna had been my pillion passenger on that bike 95% of the time I went out on it two up. I nearly sold the bike after she died.

Alison is a very good pillion Charlie would do the 14 miles to The Caffe in Llani in minutes with her on the back. Charlie would be on his second coffee by the time we got their.

I checked Gracies helmet was on right. "Get you leg over and hold on tight darling If you want me to stop just tap on my shoulder. Don't try to talk! I won't hear a word.l

Poor girl looked terrified. A bimble wasn't the word. It's a nice road to Llani but my dad must have been spinning in his grave. I didn't take the bike over 30 and didn't get anywhere near fourth gear. About 5 miles up the road there is a big lay-by. I got the tap on the shoulder I was expecting 500 yards after we set off. I pulled in, Gracie nearly burst my eardrum. WONT IT GO FASTER?

Oh yeh mi duck. I'll take it up a bit at a time."

"No get us to this Caffe as quick as you can. I don't want her laughing at me!"

This caffe isn't a proper caffe, it's a caravan in a lay-by on any given sunny Saturday or Sunday it's full of bikes. There were 50 people standing by my laverda as we arrived. But they were looking at my dads Vinny as we costed in.

"Why are they looking at us Gracie asked."

"They ain't looking at me and you love, they are looking at the bike." I pulled up up by the laverda, Gracie got off and I parked the vinny on its side stand. I ushered Gracie over to the caffe and bought us two cups of Nescafé.

I refuse to call any instant coffee Coffee. I knew I'd be throwing it away untouched but the point of this was to show Gracie what my teen years were about. I could have kissed the woman who ran the caffe. When we got there she was playing "40 Licks". Gracie recognised Sympathy, she grinned at me.

"I like this. It's better than the Beatles isn't it.

"Didn't sound like a bimble to me" said Charlie.

"She's a natural mate. She stopped me at the Nature Reserve and told me to get a move on."

We went from there over the mountain road to Machynlleth it's the best bike road in Britain. Gracie was a bit subdued when we stoped at the Snowdonia view point. What's up love. Neither of us had noticed Ally come up behind us

"I've made a mess in Ally's pants."

"Sorry I should have told you about the vibration. You could have worn an extra pair of knickers.

Ally burst out laughing. "We all do that Disgrace my love." You have to let Chas ride this home Kel. "If the Vincent hit the spot for her she is going to love a parallel twin." That was whispered to me as Gracie, who had never been to this viewpoint before went to look at the panorama map just by the lay-by, it is a thing of beauty that even a pair of Philistines like Charlie and I appreciate

We parked up at the town clock. There is often an old guy there called Mike, a one man band, he plays blues and Rock n Roll. He has a beauty of a postbox red fender telecaster. He also plays a Cajun squeeze box. I've played with him a couple of times.

Given the right tune Allision will get Charlie up for a jive any chance she gets. Mike passed me his telecaster, picked up his squeeze box, hit a button or two on his one man band machine and we went straight into Jonnie Allan's version of Promised Land. Chas and Ally were dancing and Gracie was looking at me open mouthed. I realised she didn't know I could play. Mike's missus started chatting to Gracie, Gracie shook her head. Obviously Mike's missus wasn't doing no today and proceeded to show Gracie basic jive step. Gracie was telling lies. After a few beats she followed her leader flawlessly. Mike and I went straight into Shake Rattle and Roll. By the end of that Gracie had a big silly grin. I thought I'd forgotten how to do that. Alison said to her, "you must have been taught by a professional, Disgrace."

We sat and chatted for a while with Mike and Nan, his missus. Allison and Gracie had been rabbiting on about having another dance at the bowls club ever since the last one. Mike is a member of a band who do loads of RnR covers. We had an outline plan Ally and Nan, who apparently plays a mean knocked out base, she also books the band's engagements exchanged phone numbers.

It was time to go home. "Last to the view point smells of elderberries" said Chas, I laughed, the girls looked puzzled. That as far as I'm concerned was conclusive proof women and Americans never really did get Monty Python.

I tossed Chas the key to the Vinny. Not that it needed one. And received the Jota key in return. I just said to Gracie, "we are riding for keeps now." Go with me on the bends and for fuck sake hold on tight."

We thrashed the pants off them. The Vinny is faster but the Jota when it was new heralded a whole new era of frame/steering geometry stability.

When we stoped I waited for Gracie and waited. When I looked round to see what she was fucking around at she was grinning from ear to ear. I think I've made a mess in her boots now. Are they all like this Kel. Why didn't you do this to me before.

"I know you said no bikes in the garage but we have to have this one at least at home. The outbuildings in the old farm yard around the back of the house are ours. I don't think Alun the farmer uses them all. When I bought the house I said he could have them. If we can have one back I'll get it tidied up you can have all your bikes back. They are big enough to get cars in as well I think. OK. Let's get back to Chas and Ally's and talk about it.

Here they come now.

I can't see them.

Neither can I, listen love, there is no other sound on earth like that!

The Vinny was booming up the hill. Chas slowed but saw we were still mounted and went passed. I dropped us in behind and followed them back to theirs. We were in a bit of a hurry to get back, we were playing in the county mixed pairs knockout.

"I'm going to do a poster for a 50s 60s dance for Allison said Charlie. Then we will be down to cheer you on.

I'm going to take the Jota home Charlie. I can't bear to be without it any longer. Gracie will drive the truck."

"Kel."

"Yes love."

"Have you got a guitar. I've got 4 love."

"Can they come home too. I'll grab one for now if you want, the Resonator It's a blues guitar though, not a Rock n Roll job. I need to get amps and speakers out of the attic for the RnR stuff."

"Is that the Dire Straights one said Alison

Fucking Dire Straights one, knopfler has a lot to answer for I thought I bit my tongue and said, "yeh sort of."

"It's the best one" Allison assured Gracie. "It sounds lovely." Actual she wasn't right, it does sound lovely. But I've got a Gibson ES-350T, a proper Rock N Roll guitar. The Resonator is my second best but compared to the Gibson it comes in a poor second.

It was the first time Gracie came into my house. "Ohh it's nice!" She said with her back to my wall. My wall has two guitars, a fishing rod and a gun on it. The gun is my old army rifle. An AIAW.5 calibre bolt action. I could see Gracie didn't like it. To be fair it ain't pretty.

I took the Gibson down, I have a practice active speaker behind the couch. I plunged it in, switched it on and pluged the guitar in. Three bars into Johnny B Good Gracie's smile lit the room. Please bring it home Kel. Bring that one as well she said pointing to my resonator. Sometime my sophisticated sadistic bitch of a Mistress is like a five-year-old at Christmas.

"Let's come back tomorrow and get the lot." She said

"OK darling," I replied "They can live in the spare room."

They can live in the house Kel. But not that room please love. If I clear the attic room you can have it as a man cave. You can even have that in there as well." She really didn't like my gun.

There is something special to her about that spare bedroom. Something she isn't ready to share yet, I am pretty sure that if I leave her to her own devices she will tell me in her own good time.

We were beginning to be short of time. I like a quiet pint before a game, it settles me down. Gracie knows this and this game is very important to her. By coincidence we are playing Sandra and Malcom again, this time in the county pairs. Charlie has nothing to do with the draw for this so I assumed this draw was legit. She dropped me at the club on the pretext of setting the rink out.

Sandra and Malcome had beaten me to it. They had set out rink 3, centre marks, north to south. I expect that means bugger all to most people. It's cheating a bit though, rinks are rotated in strict order according to the greenkeepers standing instructions. I carefully squatted down and shit all over their strawberries though.

Oh, Sandra. That is so very kind of you. I didn't even realise you were watching me, coach Gracie, on Saturday. Never mind paying enough attention to make a note of the green we were on. It's very kind of you. Let me buy you both a drink.

We hammered them, it was a worse mauling than last time. Gracie was brilliant, she played out of her skin. They wanted to concede but Charlie had arrived by then and said the rules of the competition said in the event of a drawn final, aggregate scores would be used to decide the winner.

Sandra blamed poor old Malcome. It wasn't him Sandra didn't contribute a single thing to their cause.

Charlie did a superb poster he'd got some old photos of 50's teenagers jiving. Lots of legs, frilly knickers and suspenders on show. Gracie who was just about on the very top of the world after discovering bikes, live Rock n Roll and us having beaten her arch enemy Sandra in one day, then discovered she would be able to dress like a tart for the RnR party. She thought she had died and gone to heaven.

Sandra and our club president thought the rock and roll group an unsuitable idea for a bowls club. Everyone else thought it was terrific. There were twenty people in the club that evening. When Charlie and Alison locked up there were 18 names down on the list.

A week later for the first time ever we had to take the list down as we had more people than the insurance policy allowed in the club again and we were praying 3 people would drop out until Charlie pointed out we were allowed another 4 behind the bar.

I have a couple of friends who were jive dance teachers. Who wanted to come over and see us so when no one was looking I had put their names down. We had a limit of 120 people but that had been set by the insurance people years ago. We had added a conservatory/lounge area since then so Chas who was club secretary contacted the insurance. They advised us to get a report from the local fire officer and if that were favourable they would up our safe number limit with no effect on the insurance premium. We got it raised to 150 but as we are not just a bowling club but the pavilion for the sports hub it was a last minute thing. We got a confirmation email from our insurance agents the afternoon of the dance.