i have taken much time in writing this piece, as i wanted to try and paint a true vision of my Biker Master.
Biker seems harsh doesn’t He? Well, He can be, but there is much more to Him than what one might see at first glance. i see Him as not much different than most Masters. As a Master, He is rigid in what He desires of a slave. His will must be adhered to. There is no negotiating. He can’t be manipulated. Would any slave want a Master she could twist to her will? He will not be backed into a corner. He does not tolerate back talk, arguing, a disrespectful tone, or screaming. He never hears the word no, His number one rule.
There is also a side to Him i never wish to see again. This side most Master’s refer too as their “Dark Side”. It’s hard not to cringe when in the presence of that. One would have to experience it to fully understand the effect it has on you. It’s savage, animal like, territorial and cold. Biker says, “ It is a person He does not like to have show up”. My perception is that their entire manner changes in a split second. They are no longer the person you know so well but a complete and utter stranger, but in His eyes i am His to do with as He chooses or not. my thoughts, feelings, and desires at that time are non-existent.
A Dom friend gave this insight of the Dark Side: “ I usually embrace it. It's kind of natural. It’s like Dom space, just a point that I am so involved that nothing else matters. My eyes narrow, and I know my face changes. My sub tells me my whole person changes. It is an intense place. It's fragile. When I get there. I am possessed with what I am doing. That’s when the most outrageous shit can happen. He laughed. He told me that i had helped take Biker to that place.” i asked how? He said, “that I should be happy. That i was the other half.” That if i had been whining, complaining He wouldn't be able to go to the Dark Side. He would have just said fuck it!” Had i done so, Biker would have been gone. “So you helped put Him there. Enjoy it ” He said. i said sorry, i couldn’t. He went on to say it takes things to the edge, and edgy is dangerous, and thrilling. But to me it is hard to see Him change from someone i know, to someone i don’t. His remark to me was “you know and love them both. That’s what makes Him, Biker Master!”
How do i feel about, cope with the DarkSide? i cope with it by retreating inside myself, going quiet as death. It makes me feel very alone. There have been a few times when i saw it briefly. Even after we were married. i always knew that if i failed Him i could still be tossed away. There is the fear, feeling that He might just do that, that He could in fact toss me out. He has reminded me those few times that His rules stand, that if i didnt like it i could leave. Some of those times, i didn’t think i deserved it. Deep inside me lives an insecurity still that i can’t seem to rid myself of.
A friend said this to me,” I have a feeling Biker is strong enough to sort out any problem that might arise, you may not enjoy the sorting, but I doubt He would toss you aside”. This friend also said, “I've listened to Him talk, despite His dark side, He is a "softy" and I think He loves you a great deal”. i must add here that Biker would never physically abuse me, i will admit for my part i felt abused, mentally and emotionally. Harsh words, sometimes cruel words, ignored for days, but they brought me to my knees where i belonged, as His slave, Not physically on my knees but spiritually. No paddle, whip, or crop could ever hurt me as deeply or more profoundly as those methods of punishment. In His way there would be reconciliation, but never an apology. i could not forgive myself for months after having failed Him. He has rebuked me for saying i failed Him. For Biker only disloyalty or betrayal would be failure.
Someone asked me, “Why the need to be there...Why not just His wife, His equal, caring for Him like in a vanilla marriage. Why the need to go to this extreme, accept all He gives you and want to be brought to your knees?” i had to say i didn’t know. All i do know is i love and adore this man i call Master, that i seek to fulfill His ever need and desire, and see Him smile at me. To find favor with Him is all that i live for. To see His eyes light up with kindness when i am pleasing, in having His hands touching, caressing, and strong-arms holding me. i delight in sitting beside Him, being in His bed at night, Knowing i have earned that privilege. His tenderness when holding me in His arms brings comfort and solace to me. To hear His laughter ringing in my ears brings laughter to me.
