'This is fucking stupid.' I think to myself as I get off the bus and start walking. 'You ended things with him for a reason. You stopped talking to him for a reason. You aren't that hard up for company. You can turn around now and not be a fucking idiot.'
But my feet continue on their current course headed to the coffee shop where Skye was waiting. Skye, the man I should never have been with. I try to think of the heartache, deception, the fiance he had who wasn't me. Instead I'm thinking about his lips, his hands, the immediate and electric connection between us.
I didn't dress to impress. My pants may flatter my hips and ass, but they aren't sexy. My t-shirt is fitted, but the neckline sits comfortably on my collar bones. I know he prefers a more natural look, so my eyeliner is heavy, eyeshadow bold, lipstick is purple. I look nice, but not in the way he likes.
About a block away I stop and look at my phone. I'm supposed to be there in five minutes. He texted five minutes ago to say he was already there. I tuck my phone in my bag and withdraw my vape for a long and soothing drag. I cough in a very unsexy manner and walk around the block.
When I get to the coffee shop I am two minutes late. He's sitting by the window and I wave as I go to the counter. He has two cups on the table, but I pretend to not see and get my own drink.
It's a fight to smile like a normal person when seated across from him. Just his eyes on me sends tingles through my body. I want to get off this chair and get on his lap. Oh boy, this really was a fucking stupid thing to do.
"Its so good to see you Kat." My name in his mouth makes me want to melt. I have to work at keeping that off my face.
"It's been a long time." My voice is steady and doesn't betray me.
"I got you a coffee already, black with two sugars." He nudges the steaming mug towards me.
"Thanks, but I was in the mood for this." The espresso macchiato is a cover for the real reason I won't accept a beverage from him. Butterflies try to flutter in my stomach over him remembering my preferred coffee and I sip my espresso to try and drown them.
"What have you been up to?" He looks so friendly and casual, it's low key irritating. I'm fighting to keep my cool and he looks completely unaffected by my presence. It's part relief and part saddening to know he isn't going crazy with longing like I am.
"Not much. Work, Mario Kart, gardening. The usual. When did you move back?"
"A couple months ago." I don't ask why, the empty spot on his finger silently screams the answer. "I didn't expect you to reply when I messaged you."
"Me either." The flippant response falls out of my mouth. He laughs a little and the espresso macchiato saves my smile from also becoming a laugh. I can feel that easy connection dancing between us. I love and hate it.
"I'm glad you did. I don't have many friends anymore."
"It is super hard to meet people." His eyes are politely on my face, but I can feel them on my breasts. My nipples stiffen into hard little buds and I am so grateful that I wore a solid cup bra. Looking down at my drink I wonder why I ordered espresso. Should have gotten something mild like chamomile tea, a stimulant was a bad idea. This whole thing was a bad idea.
"Between work and the economy it's damn near impossible. I was seeing a guy who complained that you can't just meet people in a bar anymore. When I pointed out no one has time to just sit in bars for hours on end or money to spend on hours of expensive drinks he admitted I had a point." Oh shit, did I just disclose I'm single? At the least it's clear I've been dating. I wipe my lipstick smudge off the cup to avoid looking at him for a few more seconds.
"Bars are lame anyways. I don't want to be with someone who wants to go to a bar all the time. Getting drunk now and then is fun, but it shouldn't be a lifestyle."
"Seriously." I mutter, reflecting on the poor decision of that relationship. Skye is still smiling that damn smile. My cup is almost empty so I drain it.
"I want to go for a walk." My mouth blurts out my desire to leave as an invitation. Fuck. His smile brightens from polite to happy and I can't bring myself to say I meant alone.
"I'll take the cups back and we'll head out." As he gathers the cups I can't help but wonder why I am so fascinated by his hands. Nimble fingers that can bring so much pleasure and such delightful pain, it's an effort to not stare. When he comes back I am looking out the window.
"I've got a joint, want to go down by the creek and smoke it?"
"Yeah." I do love smoking joints near water and I know Skye does too.
So we head out, him leading the way. The green space by the creek is small, quiet and lovely. It is nice to live in a place where little nature spots dot the city. My reflection is interrupted by the familiar snap of a lighter. He passes the smoldering joint to me and I take a deeply needed drag of the fragrant and earthy smoke. Exhaling twin jets out my nose I pass it back and we walk down a small earthy path.