Bertie and the Vampire

This story, written for day 2 of Kinktober 2023, features a small amount of bondage. It is very much on the mild side, but nevertheless, please don't read it if this will cause you offence or distress.

Bertie looked doubtfully at the young woman and absent-mindedly crossed himself.

"Would you mind awfully if I asked you to repeat yourself? For a second I thought you said - well, the dashed oddest thing."

He looked down at his second whisky and soda, wondering if this was to blame.

"Of course, sir," replied the lady, smiling in a manner calculated - but failing - to give reassurance. "I willingly repeat: I am a vampire. Do you wish to see proof?"

Bertie's hands leapt instinctively and protectively to his exposed neck, wishing he had not been so hasty in removing his monogrammed silk scarf.

"Oh, ha ha, I did not mean that. You are in no danger, sir, I assure you."

"That's easy for you to say."

"I suppose it is. No, I had in mind something more along these lines. Bat!"

And she vanished instantly, replaced by a fluttering creature, floating in the air more or less where her heart would have been a second previously. It remained roughly stationary for a few more moments, before the pretty brunette reappeared, apparently no worse off for her brief sojourn as a winged rat.

"Do you pronounce yourself satisfied, my dear sir?"

"Yes, yes. Naturally I accept that you are

wampyr

, old girl. But I fail to see what it has to do with me. Unless... you're not in the market for a spot of claret courtesy of yours truly, are you?"

"Not at all, sir. In fact, quite the opposite."

Bertie, not being overly burdened with grey matter, could not quite conceive the opposite of drinking a fellow's blood. But he clung to the fact that it must indubitably be less inconvenient.

"You wish to drink my whisky?" he surmised, reaching for the decanter.

The young lady - the young vampire - the vampire of indeterminate age -

Agnetha

smiled again, offering a glimpse of her sharp and elongated canine teeth. They struck Bertie as rather endearing, somehow. Like a friendly leopard.

"I have come, sir, to seek your assistance in preventing me from drinking blood."

"Oh. Not feeling thirsty, what?"

"I feel perpetual thirst. Which is rather the problem."

"Sorry to hear that, old girl."

A certain weariness came into Agnetha's large bright eyes. This was not the first time she had sought aid from a human, but she could not remember meeting one with so little to boast of in the brains department.

"I worry, Bertie, that I am failing to express myself with sufficient clarity. So allow me to speak plain. There is a harvest moon tonight, and I feel the hunger quickening within me already. Many will die if you cannot help me. The streets will run vermilion with the blood of the innocent."

"The streets of Mayfair? Gosh."

"Quite. Will you help me?"

"Rather."

"Good. Ordinarily for the duration of the harvest moon I choose to be confined within a locked coffin. But I find myself, for reasons I will not bore you with, away from my home at short notice with no way to get back in time. And I suppose you do not possess a coffin."

"Not to put my hands on. Sorry."

"No matter. It is the pine wood of which the coffin is fashioned that holds the power to confine a vampire. Any box, chest or armoire will do, as long as it is made of pine and can be locked from the outside."

"My wardrobe is pine, I think."

Agnetha looked relieved.

"Lead on."

Bertie led the beautiful vampiress to his dressing room. Other than his aunt, who did not count, this was the closest a woman had got to his bedroom in five years. Rather scandalous, really.

Agnetha examined the wardrobe, checking the fittings and fastenings, and nodded with satisfaction.

"This will serve. Now, before you lock me inside, you must bind me tightly."

"Bind you? Well, dash it all old girl, I say. Not exactly chivalrous, what?"

"Bertie, stop being an idiot for once in your life and get on with trussing me up. We don't have long."

Muttering under his breath, Bertie accepted the proffered rope and went to work. He bound Agnetha's wrists and elbows behind her back, roped up her ankles and knees, and wrapped rope around her chest. And all the time this was happening, he did his level best not to stare at the lady's delightful curves, which were spectacular, and barely concealed by her short black dress.

"Will that do?"

Agnetha wriggled furiously for a moment, straining her utmost to escape from the ropes. But they were evidently tight enough to serve their purpose.

"Well done Bertie. I am quite helpless. But it's better if I am prevented from speaking, too. It would be very bad if I were able to convince you to let me out."

"You're awfully persuasive, I dare say."

"Terrifically. But is the plan quite clear? You put the gag in my mouth, lock me in the wardrobe, then leave me there until the morning. The hunger should have passed by... roughly half past ten."

"Just in time for a cup of tea."

Agnetha pulled a face.

"Well, you can proceed straight to the eggs and bacon, then. Now, will this do?"

Bertie took off his tie and threaded it between Agnetha's teeth, then secured it at the nape of her neck with a tight knot.

"Wmmm nnnm, Bmrphnm. Nnmm phhm wnrnrnhm."

He lifted the vampiress - she seemed almost weightless - and deposited her carefully in the pine wardrobe, then locked the door. He pressed his ear against the wood and asked the occupant if she was comfortable.

"Gnnphm cnmfnrphnhmm, phhnnh ymnn."

"Well, happy to be of assistance, old girl. Now, where's that decanter?"

Bertie was some way through his fourth whisky and soda when there was a commotion at the door of the flat. This was followed by the sound of his valet opening the door. And

this

was followed by the sound of footsteps.

"Who is it?" he called.

"It is your aunt, sir. I am advised that she wishes to see you, on a matter of the utmost urgency."

The footsteps were getting closer.

"Bertie! I must speak with you!"

There was nothing for it: he unlocked the door of the wardrobe and clambered inside. The air within was close, warm, and scented faintly with sandalwood and leather.

"Wmhnph nrm mnn nnnng, ymnn idnnnph?"

"Sorry, old girl. Now listen. You said that pine keeps vampires in. But does it, by any chance, have any power to keep aunts out?"

Agnetha giggled softly through her gag, and snuggled up against him. There were worse places to spend a Sunday night, he reflected.

FIN