Slowing down off the exit ramp, Seth asks me for directions to my apartment building. I stiffen and my eyes drop to my lap. "You're dropping me off at home?"
"No, kitten." Sean's fingers tilt my chin up to look at him. His eyes only leave the road to meet mine for a moment, but the intensity of that brief gaze communicates volumes. "Your home is with me now. I'm taking you to your apartment to pack your things. You won't need much. Some clothes for work, personal items, no more than you can fit in one suitcase."
"Turn left here." My voice sounds too high as my emotions wage war inside me: on one side, effervescent joy at the prospect of being Seth's pet full time; on the other, suffocating terror at the prospect of breaking the news to my husband.
One thing I know is that I can't let Ryan see the collar of bruises around my throat. He wouldn't understand. I shrug off the thin bolero I'm wearing over my sleeveless blouse and tie it around my neck to conceal the marks. The look is awkward, but Ryan will likely assume it's just one of the many baffling quirks of women's fashion, if he notices at all.
Seth enters the building with me, ignoring my suggestion that he wait outside. Before I've turned the key all the way in the lock, the door flies open and Ryan greets me with an accusing glare. "Where have you been, Katie? You haven't been answering your phone. I was worried." His dark eyes flicker to Seth. "And who is this guy?"
Seth steps forward between me and Ryan, extending his hand. "Hi, I'm Seth."
"Ryan." He accepts Seth's hand automatically, then frowns at their entangled fists and jerks his away. As Ryan looks back and forth from Seth to me, the anger in his face fades into confusion and concern. "Katie, are you okay? Did something happen?"
"I'm...sorry, Ryan," I whisper. "I just came back to get some things. Then I'll be going."
"Going where?"
"With Seth. You remember I told you about my boyfriend Seth from high school? Well, this is him. I'm going with him."
Realization and shock drain the color from Ryan's face and strike him silent. I turn sideways to slink past him through the doorway. He doesn't impede my wobbly-legged passage to the bedroom, nor does he follow. I can hear the low tones of their voices as I drag my suitcase from the closet. Through a blur of tears, I shove clothes and toiletries inside nearly at random.
When I emerge, both men are sitting on the couch and Ryan looks over at me with weary, red-rimmed eyes. "I hope you'll be happy," he says bitterly. "I know I was never enough for you, though Lord knows I tried."
"Ryan..." I crouch in front of him and look into those familiar brown eyes. My heart surges with affection. He's been a true companion all these years, keeping me grounded and stable and safe. But there was never any passion. I didn't think I needed it. I didn't think I could feel it for anyone but Seth. It seems I was right about one of those things. "It isn't that you're not enough..."
"I'm just not him," he finishes grimly. "You told me when we first met that he was the love of your life. But you said he didn't want you, he rejected youβ"
"I didn't reject her," Seth objects. "I let her go." He shifts his eyes from Ryan to me and his expression softens, smoothing the lines the years have etched into his skin. "I thought that would be the best thing for you, Katie. I thought I was too fucked up to give you what you needed."
I shake my head firmly. "It's not within your power to let me go, Seth. You can choose to abandon me, but you can't choose to set me free. I'm yours."
Seth's eyes flare with emotion - some combination of affection, wonder, and fear - and he reaches down to clasp my hands. Our fingers entwine, palms pressing together tightly. An anchor, a promise.
"What makes you think you can give her what she needs now?" Ryan snaps, springing up from the couch. "Are you any less fucked up than you used to be?"
Seth's eyes remain steady on mine as he answers. "I'm still fucked up and I always will be. So is she. So is everyone. I just understand things better now. I know that we can't always choose what we need, only whether to fight it or accept it." He turns his gaze to Ryan and it hardens to blue steel. "What she needs is me. I can either choose to abandon her and leave her unfulfilled, or I can choose to embrace that responsibility and do my best to make what she needs be the same as what she deserves."
Ryan's nostrils flare and his fists clench at his sides. He looks Seth up and down before turning his back on both of us in a gesture of dismissive contempt.
Standing, I slide my hands from Seth's to pull off my engagement and wedding rings and lay them on the coffee table. Though I am gentle, they land with an audible clink.
"I'm sorry, Ryan." My voice cracks on his name.
Ryan whirls to face me. The animosity in his eyes makes me flinch and I reach instinctively for Seth's hand as he rises beside me.
"You had better be fucking sure about this, Katie," Ryan spits, "because once you walk out of here, I'm done with you. If he fucks up again, don't even think about crawling back here with your tail between your legs."
Seth stiffens at my side. I squeeze his hand and say softly into his ear, "It's okay. Let's go."
Seth and I leave, still holding hands, the suitcase in my other hand rolling along behind me with a rumble that I find soothing one moment and ominous the next. My mind refuses to settle on either interpretation. My pulse throbs in my aching throat.
During the ride home, I let myself feel the sadness, guilt, and remorse. I let them wash through me, imagining them flowing into my clenched fists and pooling there. I release and let them drain out of me, shaking my fingertips loose of them. Tonight is for new beginnings, not for dwelling on past mistakes.
Seth's apartment is a ground-level unit in a garden-style complex. The dΓ©cor is nondescript, standard neutral beige carpeting and off-white walls. The entryway widens into a living area with a sagging couch, scuffed coffee table, and an eclectic array of overflowing bookshelves covering all the available wall space. The high ceilings and broad windows, relics of a time before corner-cutting and efficiency ruled home construction, prevent the cluttered space from feeling cave-like. Seth leads me down a hallway to the left, past the cramped kitchen and bathroom, and into the bedroom at the end.
Seth rearranges his clothes to clear a dresser drawer and some closet space for my meager belongings. He stows my empty suitcase under the bed while I bring my armful of toiletries into the bathroom. I return to find him standing at the foot of the bed, arms crossed. He crooks a finger and wiggles it coaxingly. I go to him, wrapping my arms around him and pressing my head to his chest, soothed by the steady thump of his heartbeat. His arms open and surround me, hands rubbing slow circles over my back.
I will be his pet. I will fold myself into the spaces of his life and be his constant companion - an ever-present, ever-ready source of affection and support, whatever form that takes as he trains me to fulfill his needs.
I pull back just enough to look up and smile at him playfully. "If I'm your pet, you're going to need to train me."
He raises an eyebrow. "You already performed a damn good trick in the coffee shop bathroom."
"Plenty more where that came from..." I nibble at his ear and my hand slips between our bodies to rub his cock through his jeans. His bulge grows and hardens under my touch, but then he grasps my hands in his and takes a step back. He looks me up and down and shakes his head.
"You're wearing clothes, Katie," he says. "Pets don't do that."
I blush. "Some do."
Seth shakes his head firmly. "My pet doesn't."
"Seth...I don't have the body I did at 18..."
He frowns. "Disobedience already, kitten? There will be times during your training when you are free to discuss and debate, and I may even be persuaded to make adjustments if you offer well-reasoned arguments. This is not one of those times. You will wear nothing in my home that I don't place on you myself."
Anxiety wells in my chest, but I bite my lip and lift my shirt over my head, dropping it to the floor. I reach behind me to unclasp my bra and let it fall too. I shimmy out of my skirt, then my underwear. I'm fully nude, all my flaws bared to him. The knot in my throat loosens when I see that his eyes roaming over my body reflect only appreciation. I straighten my spine and kick aside the pile of cast off garments, the trappings of an inauthentic life.
"Turn around," he commands, his voice thick.
I do. I stand at the foot of the bed facing the headboard and the window just above. The curtains are open to a view of a small courtyard area with a few picnic tables, deserted so late at night. I hear rustling, unzipping. Seth's hand pushes at the small of my back, bending me over the bed. My pulse quickens with anticipation as I wait for him to fuck me.