When you share a house it's only reasonable to set up ground rules. I even helped set up the ones that applied to our place. Most of them were quite straight forward, along the lines of 'you mess it up, you clean it up'.
Seeing that at times we could expect to have mixed house mates one of the rules set up applied to the bathroom. If you're using it, turn the lock. The girls don't want to walk in and find themselves faced with your junk. If they want to see it, they can let you know privately.
Similarly, the girls don't want you waltzing in and seeing them in all their radiant glory. Actually, I don't suppose the girls need the rule where that's concerned. They automatically lock the boys out.
Now I'd been at the house for a while. I'm the longest stayer there, having been one from the time it became a boarding house. And I'd always followed that bathroom room. It was an ingrained habit. I walk in and I lock the door. Done.
Which was why I was a bit taken aback when the door opened while I was drying off after a shower and Mandy walked in. She gave a shrill squeal and backed out again rapidly, slamming the door.
Seeing that it appeared to be my fault I naturally apologised. It turned out that wasn't good enough. Mandy wanted blood. For the shocking crime of being seen naked in the bathroom, she wanted me evicted from the house and filed an official complaint.
So all the tenants had to have this meeting, listening to Mandy rant about sexual harassment and how she had the right not to be subjected to it, especially in her own home. I, on the other hand, simply apologised for apparently forgetting to lock the door. I also pointed out that there was no way I could know that Mandy would catch me. Sixty seconds later and I'd have been gone. It was just bad timing.
I was officially warned to take greater care next time and I promptly forgot about the incident.
And then it happened again. A couple of days later I was getting dried and the door popped open and there was Mandy, squealing her silly head off again.
I knew damned well I'd locked it that time. There was no way Mandy should have been able to open it. And, of course, Mandy files another official complaint demanding my eviction for sexual harassment. The other housemates weren't quite so sympathetic with me this time, saying I should have taken greater care. I was officially warned again.
Later Mandy smiled at me and said "Third times the charm."
I think she was insinuating that if it happened again the rest of the housemates would reckon that I was doing it deliberately, the way Mandy claimed. If they did they might actually try to evict me. Something I wasn't going to let happen.
Thinking it over I came to the conclusion that the whole set up was deliberate. Checking the lock on the bathroom door it was easy to identify the problem. The lock had one of those safety slots on it. If the door was accidently locked, by a child, for instance, you could use a coin or something similar to unlock it via the safety slot.
They say once is an accident, twice is coincidence and three times is enemy action. I resolved to keep an eye on the lock for the next few days whenever I was in the bathroom.
Sure enough, it happened, a couple of days later. I was getting dried when I saw the lock twisting around from locked to unlocked.
I flipped my towel around my waist and stepped behind the door so that I'd be hidden when it opened. And open it did, with Mandy already starting to squeal before she noticed that I wasn't in sight. I closed the door behind her.
"I think you owe me an explanation, Mandy," I pointed out somewhat coldly. I was feeling distinctly irked by the fool woman.
She gave a startled gasp, glanced at the towel and snorted.
"That's not going to help," she said. "As soon as I squeal the others will come rushing and I'll say you dragged me in here. You'll be asked to leave for sure."
"Not going to happen," I told her. "But I'm puzzled as to why you're going to such lengths to get rid of me."
She shrugged. "You're the oldest and you work. It'll be easy for you to get another place, even if it does cost a bit more. I need your room for a friend of mine."
"I see. I'm sorry to have to inform you but I think you'll find it's yourself that's going to be looking for a new place. If you look over there you'll see my smart phone, all propped up and taping everything that had happened in here. Including your little confession."
Mandy said a rude word and jumped for the phone, but I was expecting it and was faster. Then I bustled her out of the bathroom, closing and locking the door, for all the good it seemed to do.
So, well done me. I'd drawn the dragon's teeth and all was well in our little household. God, I can be naïve at times. I was promptly notified of another official complaint from Mandy. Apparently I'd fiddled up a movie and was trying to use it to blackmail her. This movie was apparently making it seem as though she was the guilty party, and she wasn't going to sit still for it.
I'd had it with stuffing around and trying to be nice. As soon as the housemates were gathered I sailed right in.
"This whole harassment thing had been made up by Mandy to try to get me out so she could have a friend join the happy little party. She's too pig-ignorant to realise that I'm the one person you can't kick out. Now she can apologise to everyone or she's going to find herself looking for a new place to stay."
"That's a bit high-handed of you, isn't it?" protested Mike.
"Yes. It is," I said smiling. "Any other comments?"
"What makes you think we can't evict you?" demanded Mandy. "According to the rules we can evict anyone by a unanimous vote."
"Actually, by a unanimous vote and the approval of the owner," I pointed out.
"And what makes you think the owner won't agree when we put it to him?" demanded Mandy.
I smiled. "Because why would I approve my own eviction from my own house?" I asked. "Why do you think I do all the extra little jobs and collect the rent and take excuses for late payments and such? Because I'm such a nice bloke?
However, as Mandy seems unready to apologise, I'll declare this meeting closed. I have an eviction order I want to prepare."
With that I got up and returned to my room, leaving silence behind.
A little later Mike knocked on my door. He seemed a little subdued.
"Sorry, Pete," he said. "Mandy broke down and confessed everything and apologised to us all for the trouble she caused. Apparently her friend is in a bit of a bind and really needs a room fast and Mandy just wanted to help her out."
"By helping me out – of the house." I pointed out. "And she sure hasn't apologised to me."
"Um, yeah. Are you serious about evicting her?"
I shrugged. "Why wouldn't I be? She's caused me nothing but trouble since she's been here. At least her friend will be OK. She can have Mandy's room. That should cheer her up."
Mike left, presumably to take the bad news to Mandy. It was a Saturday morning and I had nothing I needed to do so I was quite content to relax and wait. Mandy would come to see me sooner or later. If her friend couldn't find a place to go then it was odds on that Mandy wouldn't want to try.
It was nearly lunch time and the house was quiet when Mandy fronted up. She rapped on the door and entered without waiting for a reply.
"Oh, please, do come in, Mandy," I said.
She gave me a dirty look. "I've confessed and apologised to everyone. I hope you're satisfied."
"Not really," I told her. "You're a trouble maker and an idiot and I think we'll be better off without you. You seem determined to cause mischief and even when caught red-handed you didn't back off. For all I know you're already planning on getting someone else evicted."
"But I've got nowhere to go," wailed Mandy, practically dancing in frustration. "This place was the best for miles around. That's why I wanted Suzy here. What am I supposed to do if I have to get out?"
"It didn't seem to worry you when you thought I would be the one who'd have to get out. Why should I care where a trouble maker goes? You created the entire situation, so don't go blaming me."
"The rest of them said I can stay if you agree," Mandy protested.
"The rest of them weren't being set up by a nasty little bitch, now were they?" I pointed out.
Mandy flushed. I suspect that she'd rather I call a spade an implement for the removal of earth, rather than say it as I saw it.
"What'll it take for you to let me stay?" she asked.
"Excuse me?" I asked, not quite sure what she meant.
"I said, what will I have to do to persuade you to let me stay?" she enunciated, slowly and clearly, as though talking to an idiot. (Which she probably thought she was doing.)
"Elucidate," I suggested. "What did you have in mind?"
She bit her lip and glared at me. She wanted the suggestion to come from me, whatever it happened to be. I was waiting to see what she offered. Whatever it was would be a starting point. She'd do more. She really didn't want to find herself having to find a new place to stay.
"I'll give you a blow job," she muttered.
She was desperate. With a starting bid like that she was admitting she'd go to bed with me to keep me sweet.
"That sounds like sexual harassment," I murmured. "Imagine if I'd asked for that. You'd have run down the hall screaming rape."
"How can it be sexual harassment?" demanded Mandy. "I'm offering to do it, not being asked."
"That's what I mean. You're trying to press unwanted sexual advances upon me. I'm very sensitive about that sort of thing."
