She would always remember his eyes.
The first time that she saw them, Sarah couldn't help feel sad. They were grey and seemed to go on forever. The rest of him would never make the front cover, but his eyes were the kind that you fell into. And she did. Without even knowing it, Sarah had fallen in love with the man in less than a heartbeat, less than a single moment in time.
Over time, she had become more drawn to the man. Sara couldn't control it; she just fell hard for him. James was a quiet man, but had strength in him that only those who paid attention would ever see. She had met him at work, and had partnered up with him but it was clear by the time that they finished their second shift together that her feelings were more than professional.
There were so many little things about him that she loved. He had a gentleness that made her feel warm and sent shivers down her spine. His strength and dependability made her feel safe. He was a good man in the storm. He was also real. Sarah didn't think that there was a more honest man on the planet, even when she didn't want to hear the answer. She cried when James told her about his first wife and the way that she had died. He seemed real. To Sarah, James was the last honorable man.
She loved him for all of this and more.
Yet she kept it locked inside as her little secret. When he walked into work with that confident, fluid-like stride, she turned away so that nobody would notice that she was blushing. There were so many things that she admired about the man, things that only drew her to him even more. On the job, he was always cool under pressure, dependable, something that wasn't very common these days.
Two weeks after they started working together, Sarah wrote in her diary that she had met the man that she would marry.
What made it even worse was that they became friends. They would go out to dinner and movies together, or stay at his house and rent movies and just talk. She would find herself moving her hand closer to him, just wanting to feel his touch, but would quickly draw it back, hoping that he didn't notice. He had a gentle smile that went with his quiet voice. He seemed shy at first, which Sarah thought was sweet, but just learned that he didn't have much experience with women.
"I've been too busy working to get to know women," James would say with a sheepish grin when she'd tease him about it. Later on, Sara would understand that she was sounding him out, trying to gauge his feelings for her.
But James was always elusive, never letting on if he had any feelings for her. With her luck, he just thought of him as one of the guys. Late at night when she was alone in her house, Sara would find herself aching for his touch. Deep in her belly she would feel it and it would pound through her like a freight train, relentless, never letting up. She would feel wetness between her thighs and would touch herself until orgasm, screaming his name. When she fell asleep, Sarah would weep, wishing that it had been his touch.
Honestly, she didn't know what was wrong with her. Sarah knew that she was a beautiful woman. By no means skinny, she liked to think of herself as voluptuous, having all the curves in the right places that men loved. Her long hair was jet black and she kept it pulled back mainly at work because of the job, but she liked to think of it as sexy and feminine. By far, her best assets were her eyes and lips. Her eyes were a deep green and tear-drop shaped, a tale of her Mediterranean background which matched her bronzed skin. Her lips were full and pouty. One boyfriend had told her that she had the most kissable lips. Sarah would smile and giggle when she remembered that. Then she would grow quiet and wonder why James never wanted to kiss them.
It's not like she didn't flirt with him. Twelve hours on an ambulance and she was always flirting with him. How could he not take the cue and see what was going on? She'd touch his arm when she didn't have to. She would touch his arm and look into his eyes when she would listen to him talk. She smiled a lot at him, looking into his eyes. How could he not tell?
When they went out, she would always dress to the nines, feminine and sensual, but never slutty. Sarah wanted to grab his attention, but it seemed like all she got was his friendship. James always seemed so indifferent to her. Sometimes when they talked, James would be looking at her, but it was like she wasn't there. He was looking through her, not at her. It was an eerie feeling for the twenty-five year old woman.
Finally, she thought that he was either gay or castrated. But, the feeling never went away. They would be at work and James would look at her and she would have this silly little feeling deep inside the pit of her stomach. He seemed so strong. He was the kind of man that would hold you and never let go, without even laying a hand on you. There was a strength that he had that Sara was drawn to. She couldn't break free.
In many of her fantasies Sarah was on her knees before him, serving him, enslaved by him. They shocked her and only made her desire to be with James even more intense but in a way it also seemed so natural. The strength that he exuded seemed so natural, so unassuming and confident. He didn't try to prove anything to anyone, simply because he didn't have to. It was naturally evident. It only made Sarah want him more.
Soon it became an obsession.
"You wanna go out for a bite to eat after work?" Sarah asked one night in the ambulance, while James was finishing up the paperwork from the last run. He was sitting in the driver seat with the clip board on the steering wheel. He always drove. Some women would find that aggravating but Sarah didn't. It seemed chivalrous, manly.
"Sure," James said without even looking up. After a few moments, he was done with his paperwork and called into the dispatch center to report end of shift.
Tonight is the night, Sarah said as she took a deep breath. The woman fidgeted in the seat like a teenager with a high school crush, she thought blushing, and stifling a giggle. Yes, she thought, tonight is the night.
Back at the station, Sarah hopped in the shower and then took her time getting ready. As she dressed in the simply yet stylish sun dress and sandals her hands were shaking slightly with a combination of fear, excitement, anxiety and anticipation. What if he doesn't want me? What is he laughs at me?
"What the hell am I doing?" she asked with a sigh as she stood back and smiled into the mirror, satisfied with the way that she looked.
Tonight, I will be his
, Sarah thought before she walked out of the locker room, not even thinking about the words that she spoke to herself in this modern world that they lived in.
Heads turned when she walked out of the women's room and into the crew lounge and she blushed slightly as she walked over to James who seemed to be waiting impatiently. She sank inside when she didn't even say a word to her about the way that she looked.
"You ready, Sarah?" he asked with a bored tone in his voice as he got up out of his chair.
"Yes. Sure," she said, blushing under her mascara, feeling the wetness between her legs again as she watched his smooth grace and economy of movement as he walked toward the door.
Dinner was a steakhouse in town, where they talked and drank beer while they both unwound from a long day.
"So how come you don't date?" Sarah asked after the server cleared dinner from their table. She leaned forward with her elbows on the table so she could hear and looked up into his eyes.
James took his time to answer. First he sipped his beer. Then he furled his eyebrow in that cute way that he did when he was in thought, pondering his words. Finally he looked up at her with a thoughtful expression.
"I don't know. A lot has to do with my life experiences. I mean, I never really had time for a relationship. I mean, you know about Anna and my marriage, but that was different. We were high school sweet hearts."
He got quiet and sipped his beer quietly. "I guess a part of me never really knew what to do after that. I got so busy with the military that I didn't have time to be lonely. It just didn't even bother me being alone anymore, you know what I mean? It's like I got used to the solitude." He got quiet and looked away. "I got used to the loneliness."
Sarah leaned forward and placed her hand over his gently. His fingers twitched but he didn't move away from her. Silently she smiled to herself. "And now?"
Seeing him laughing delightedly at the wit of the question, Sarah felt suddenly self conscious and tried to move her hand away from his, but she couldn't. This was the first touch she knew of him outside of work and she was savoring it.
"I guess I haven't met anyone that has stood up to my expectation," he said with a grin, looking at her.
Then he turned serious and his eyes locked onto hers but neither one spoke. It was if he was drinking her in. His eyes were exposing her soul to him. Feeling naked, Sarah didn't turn away. She held eye contact confidently, wantonly. Their two souls were speaking unspeakable words to each other in that one moment of time.
Finally, it was James that broke eye contact and stood up suddenly reaching into his pocket to retrieve his money clip. "It's my turn," he said quietly and then faced the door when he waited for her to grab her jacket.
Outside the restaurant near their cars, they stood silently, looking at each other. Neither one of them knowing what to do next. Neither one moved, and neither one spoke.
"Come home with me," Sarah said looking into his eyes.
For a moment time stood still, as she waited, her heart pounding and hands trembling.
"No," James replied simply.
"Come home with me," Sarah said again, this time louder, feeling the tears welling up inside her.
"No," he said again, slowly, shaking his head. He turned away and climbed into his pickup truck and drove off without looking back.
Holding back the tears and with shaking hands, Sarah found her keys and got into her small compact car and turned the key in the ignition. The screaming out, she punched the steering wheel.
Then the tears came.
