Scene One (Interior-Day)
Men's Army Barracks Inspection Review
Several soldiers lined up in barracks, wearing only Army-issued boxers and t-shirts, are brought to attention and are being inspected by 1st Sgt. Amy Armey and her male colleague. She prowls the line like a cagey lioness, barking orders and rebukes at the men for any perceived slights.
Suddenly, she comes upon a young handsome new recruit who is clearly ill at ease. As she looks him over, she discovers why--he is sporting an enormous erection! At first, she is mildly amused at his embarrassment and chides him for it.
"Soldier! Is that an M-16 in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
The private fumbles for words but none come. Amy's second-in-command rushes over to chastise and berate the fearful recruit but Amy signals him to back off.
"What the fuck is wrong with you, ass-wipe!" Amy shouts at him. "You think because I'm a woman you can disrespect me like this?"
"No, sir--uh--ma'am!" He responds.
"Then get that thing under control before I break it off!" she orders.
The soldier's emotions are clearly on his face: confusion, fear, embarrassment, and nervousness are all in play. "I'm trying, ma'am--uh--sir."
"I gave you a direct order, fucker! What have you been doing--jacking yourself off while dreaming of Mommy?"
"No, no, sir--ma'am!" The corners of his eyes are noticeably moist and his Adam's apple is bobbing frantically as he struggles for an elusive composure. "I--I can't help it. It won't go down."
Amy is enraged. "And why not?"
The clearly shaken soldier hesitates and looks around helplessly. Perspiration beads up on his forehead. "It's... because... um... because... I... you..."
"Spit it out, you sick bastard. Tell us ALL your problem!" Amy demands.
The soldier takes a deep breath, fixes his eye on Amy and blurts, "Because you are the prettiest and most sexy woman I have ever seen in my entire life, sir--uh, ma'am..! I've never been this close to anyone like you before and--and--I guess my body lost control. I'm really, really sorry, ma'am!"
"Sorry!?" Amy retorts. "Sorry is for wimps! The U.S. Army doesn't say sorry! But sorry is the least of how you're going to feel when I'm done with you, soldier! I'm gonna show you just what I do to men like you who can't control themselves around me! Second-sergeant! Send this man to my office, dressed just like this--immediately after inspection--for extra discipline!" She turns her gaze to the rest of the men who are looking quite scared themselves. "The rest of you asinine pissants carry on! Carry on, Second-sergeant." She walks out in a huff.
There is a collective sigh of relief from everyone as the barracks doors slam loudly behind her.
SCENE TWO (Interior--Day)
Amy's Office
Amy is sitting at her desk reading some documents when she hears a tentative knock at the door. "Come in," she says without looking up. The opens and shuts. "Private Potts reporting as ordered, ma'am!" comes the familiar shaky voice.
For a long while Amy does not look up but continues with her paperwork before finally asking, "What did you say your name is?"
"Private Potts, Sergeant ma'am!"
"Private Parts? she sneers.