10

CHAPTER EIGHT

Exploring Limits

I glanced over at the bedside clock.

9:43.

We hadn't eaten anything for dinner.

As if reading my thoughts, Ethan whispered, "Are you hungry?"

"A little. Not enough to get up, though."

"I hear ya." Ethan nuzzled my neck. His cock had grown soft inside me and was now sliding out a centimeter at a time. "I hope you're not expecting an encore, though. I think three times in one day is a record for me."

"A stud like you?"

"Don't start something your ass isn't prepared to finish for you."

"Oh, now you turn all Dom."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean, what we just did wasn't exactly in the BDSM playbook."

Ethan shrugged, "So?"

"I didn't think you'd get off to vanilla sex."

"I'm pretty sure with you I'd get off to any kind of sex."

"Oh, stop."

"Wasn't that proof enough for you?"

"I suppose."

I started to catalogue in my mind what we'd done sexually. It felt like a lot in a short period of time. But then, we were making up for a weeks worth of celibacy. It dawned on me one obvious thing that was missing.

"Ethan?"

Ethan opened his eyes. "Yeah?"

"Why haven't you asked me to go down on you?"

Ethan chuckled and blinked hard for a second. "Uh, well, it just hasn't crossed my mind, I guess."

"Is it because you think I won't be as good at it as your previous subs?"

He tilted his head with a frown. "No. Where...? Oh, hell Grace. You do come out of left field with some of your assumptions. I have no doubt you'd satisfy me in that department. If you really must know why it hasn't happened, it's because I was afraid it would make you feel used. And judging by what happened earlier, I'm probably right."

"I don't want to be this broken person that you have to make concessions for all the time."

"Grace, you're not. We haven't exactly had the opportunity. If I wasn't so drained right now, I'd be happy to oblige you. And you're not broken. Quit being so hard on yourself." Ethan glanced at the clock and suppressed a yawn. "I'm wiped out."

"You haven't eaten anything since lunch."

Ethan nodded and sighed. "I don't feel like making anything. Mind if we just snack on what I've got?"

"No. Works for me."

I waited for Ethan to make some move toward getting up, but he just rested his cheek on my shoulder and continued his absentminded caress of my arm.

We stayed like that for another hour, drifting in and out of sleep. Finally Ethan got up and turned off the lights and we settled in the middle of the bed just like the night before.

***

I woke up first again. It was still dark outside.

5:02.

Ethan was lightly snoring near my ear. He'd managed to push me to the very corner of the pillow he'd taken over from me. He was such a bed hog but I couldn't begrudge him for it. He wasn't used to sleeping with anyone. At any rate, it had no ill effect on my own slumber, apparently. I'd slept better than I could ever remember sleeping.

I could tell from how alert my mind was becoming that there was no chance of my falling back to sleep. My bladder prompted me to slide out of bed. Ethan lifted his head and squinted at me.

"I'm just going to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

Ethan nodded and let his head drop to the pillow. I glanced at him one last time before shutting the door and taking care of business. When I returned, he'd shifted onto his back but appeared to be deep in sleep again.

I stood beside the bed staring at him and listening to his even rhythm. It was so soothing. I really was falling for this man. More than I wanted to admit. Just being around him made me feel better about myself.

Normal.

I chuckled as I recalled his reaction to that word earlier.

Maybe two abnormals make a normal.

We just seemed to fit in a way I was only beginning to understand.

I knew one thing for sure, though. Something wasn't quite right when I woke up. I padded to the living room, mildly aware of how comfortable I felt in the nude. My eyes scanned the mess on the floor and it brought back fresh memories of my panic attack. It already felt like it'd happened ages ago, rather than hours. I knelt and picked up the bowl, setting it in the sink as quietly as possible. Then I gathered our clothes and placed them on the sofa.

That looks better. Where are the...?

I spotted what I had come in there for. The cuffs. It saddened me to wake up without them. Like I'd lost my lifeline to Ethan. I picked them up and held one around my wrist. I was amazed at how the feel was comforting to me.

Ethan stirred and opened his eyes as I approached through the doorway. "Everything alright?"

"Yeah. Well, not exactly. I'm not sure how this works; if I need to ask you for these, or what." I held out the cuffs toward him.

"You want me to put them on you?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Come here and have a seat."

I sat down and handed the cuffs to Ethan, then presented one wrist at a time for him to cuff.

"There isn't some secret code of conduct we have to follow, you know. Whatever works for us. If you want something, just ask."

I nodded. My gaze shifted to the tent that Ethan was creating with his morning erection. When my eyes met his again, he was smiling at me.

"I get just as turned on by you asking me for something."

"Why?"

"Because you're giving me control when you ask. I can always say 'no'."

"Would you, though?"

"I might. Or I might ask you to tell me why you are making your request before I decide. In this case, I wanted to cuff you so I didn't ask. But now that we're talking about it, why did you want me to put these on you?"

"I feel closer to you when I have them on."

Ethan moaned. "You say the sweetest things, baby. Climb back under the covers with me."

He shifted onto his side and pulled my back against his chest. He palmed my breast as he nibbled at my ear. His hips kept rolling in a gentle rhythm against my backside.

"All that nice sex last night has put me in the mood for fucking."

He pinched my nipple as if to accentuate the point. I nodded and moaned. It had done the same to me, or I was just into it because he was; I'm not sure.

"Have you ever had anal sex, Grace?"

I shook my head. I hoped he wouldn't ask me my thoughts on it because ordinarily I was quite certain I'd be against the idea. At that moment, however, I might not accurately convey that stance. I was growing more amorous by the second and dangerously close to agreeing to anything.

"Up on your hands and elbows."

I obeyed.

"Now, slide your elbows toward the headboard so I can bind your wrists there."

He clipped them in place just as he promised. He then flattened his palms on my back and slid them down my body as if he were smoothing out my skin. On his knees, he moved between my calves and continued his smoothing. He reached beneath me to my swaying, heavy breasts and fondled them roughly. It was just uncomfortable enough to elicit a mewl from me.

His thumbs parted my butt cheeks and I held my breath.

Oh, please, no.

I felt his hot breath kiss the exposed area, then he released his grip and slid his thumbs down to my slit.

Both his thumbs entered me at once and I reacted by arching my back and parting my knees at the same time. Ethan yanked my hips toward him and my elbows slid off the mattress as my arms were extended over my head. He pulled again and I could feel my tense muscles already starting to ache.

Then he fucked me.

In stark contrast to the night before, he drove his hard cock into me with such force, every muscle of mine went numb. My own climax built to an unbelievable crescendo and then just held there. I don't know if I was having one long orgasm, or a bunch of tiny orgasms back-to-back.

What it actually felt like was that I never completely released but was being suspended just at the edge of coming.

Ethan would pull all the way out and then back in again with fury. All the while yanking me painfully tight until my upper body was completely suspended over the mattress. It had to take some coordination to do it. Pulling while he thrust his hips forward.

He had a particular routine he liked to follow. He'd take a series of shallow strokes and then several punishing thrusts, bottoming out against my vaginal wall.

Finally his thrusting stuttered and his rhythm became more unorganized. He held my hips firmly against him as he unloaded.

A few moments later, drops of sweat fell onto my back and then he abruptly pulled out of me. I felt my anus release something and I tensed. I quickly realized that he'd had his finger or something in there while he fucked me. I hadn't even noticed through all the pounding.

Ethan left me and walked into the master bathroom. He didn't shut the door so I could clearly hear what he was doing. He ran the water in the sink for a few minutes and then washed his hands. He urinated. It sounded like Niagara Falls to me. Then he flushed and returned to the bed.

I felt a warm washcloth against my vagina. I was going to be a little sore. He gently cleansed the area and it felt good to be tended after. It wasn't the same as cuddling afterward, but it was close.

Ethan unfastened my wrists from the headboard and eased me onto my back. Then he sat beside me, his hand gripping my waist possessively as he studied my face for clues as to what I was thinking.

Morning light had begun to illuminate the room. His chest was still heaving slightly from the exertion and his tattoos glistened beneath a sheen of sweat. He was so intensely masculine. More so than any man I'd been with.

Lying there and looking up at him with his hand still gripping me, I was replete. Even my brain had slipped into a peaceful reverie.

"What do you want to do first, shower or eat?"

I shrugged. "Whichever you want."

"Well, I don't do the couples shower thing, so do you want to go first?"

"Okay."

"Is there anything we need to talk about?"

"Nope."

Ethan chuckled. "Okay, then."

I held out my wrists and he released me from the cuffs. He briefly kissed my lips before standing up and walking toward the door. He turned and took one last look at me as I made my way to the bathroom. I was starting to find that smirk incredibly sexy.

I met him in the kitchen after my shower. He hadn't instructed me on what to wear so I put on what I wanted. His tee shirt and a pair of shorts.

"You look sinful in my shirt. Do you ever go out braless like that?"

"Oh, gosh no."

"You should. It's sexy as hell. I tell you what, it's gorgeous outside. Why don't we go have lunch at Sneaky Pete's and watch the drunk boaters as they dock?"

"Okay."

"You can wear that."

"Ethan, I don't think so. It's too revealing."

"No more revealing than the bikinis that are going to come through there."

"Is that why you want to go?"

Ethan released an exasperated sigh. "I have to remember not to set myself up like that. No, silly. I want to go to show you off. I want to watch the expression on the guys' faces as they pass our table. I want you to see the looks you get. You are so fucking gorgeous, baby."

"Are you sure we won't get kicked out?"

"Positive."

We went to Sneaky Pete's and ate lunch. Ethan was the one doing all the gawking. At me. He swore that he wasn't the only one, but he was the only one I noticed. That was perfectly fine with me, actually. I didn't really like the thought of being on display. I did, however, like doing it because it pleased Ethan.

It was a subtle distinction that didn't go unnoticed by my conscious brain. I wondered if I wasn't starting to become a submissive. Or maybe I already was; the label was still so confusing to me.

Whatever I was becoming or not becoming, Ethan and I seemed to be clicking. We were just a normal couple.

There's that word again.

When we got back to his place in the afternoon I started to feel tense. The weekend had been more like a dream vacation for me that I didn't want to end. But every time I thought I might say something to that effect, my own insecurities stopped me.

What if it hasn't felt the same to him. You have to give him the opportunity to escape gracefully. He only asked you to stay for the weekend. Not forever.

As if he read my mind, Ethan approached the topic.

"Tomorrow night we're having our regular monthly club meeting. They're kind of boring, but I was hoping you might go with me."

"As your date?"

"Yeah."

"Sure."

"I was thinking that maybe we could drop off your car at your place today. You could pick up whatever you need and some work clothes for tomorrow. We can ride into work together in the morning, your office is on the way to mine. I'll pick you up for lunch, and then after work we can go to the meeting."

I tried to apply some restraint to the grin that was about to take over my face. "I'd like that."

Ethan took a deep breath and exhaled. "Good."

"What was that for?"

"I was bracing myself for an argument."

"You thought I'd say no?"

"I thought you might try to complicate it. I like you and I want to spend time with you. It's really pretty simple. We can't build on this good thing we have if we're apart."

His delivery sounded a bit rehearsed and the approach wasn't exactly flowery, but he was sincere.

What were you expecting - 'After one weekend with you I never want us to be apart for the rest of our lives'? Shit Grace, if he would've said that, you would've fallen on the floor laughing. Seriously, give the guy a break.

Ethan frowned and pulled me into a hug. "I wish I knew what was going on in that pretty head of yours."

I shrugged. "Picture a dysfunctional family reunion and you'll pretty much have it pegged."

Ethan laughed and squeezed me. He kissed the top of my head before releasing me again. "When do you usually write?"

"Uh, well, I don't have a routine, exactly. Just whenever I feel like it. If I try to force it or create a schedule around it, I'll just end up with crap."

"Have I kept you from writing this weekend?"

"No, uh-uh. But if you don't have anything planned for tonight, I might like some time at the keyboard."

"Can you write here?"

"Yeah. I have a laptop."

"Do you need anything else?"

"Nope."

"Can I watch T.V.?"

"Yeah. I usually listen to my iPod with earbuds in, so it makes no difference to me."

"Hmm."

"What?"

"Nothing. Just that...that was easy. I thought I was going to have to choose between having you with me and you getting some writing done. I didn't want to be responsible for keeping your fans waiting."

"So, you would've chosen to keep me with you?"

Ethan squinted as if he were weighing the decision in his mind. "Yeah, I would have. Today, anyway. I'm a selfish bastard that way."

"It's just as well, because there is no way I could sit alone at my house and write knowing you were here alone. I'd just sit and pine for you."

Ethan grinned. "You would?"

I could feel my cheeks heating up slightly. I wondered if I confessed too much too soon. I nodded and swallowed.

"Me, too."

Those two words brought me more comfort than a pint of Rocky Road ice cream.

***

Ethan followed me to my house. I parked in the garage while he left his car in the driveway. He met me in the garage and was noticeably quiet as I gathered my purse and other assorted items from my car. I finally realized why. He was staring at the car occupying the other space in the garage.

"It was Robert's. I haven't gotten around to selling it."

Ethan's head nodded slightly but his concerned expression didn't change. There was nothing I could do about it in that moment. My mind began spewing silent rationalizations as if I were preparing my arguments for him. But he never asked me for them. He didn't say another word about it.

I'm not sure if it was Robert's car or something else entirely, but the mood between us changed. The best word to describe it was pensive. Ethan followed me into the bedroom and watched while I hurriedly gathered clothes for the following day.

"What should I wear to the meeting?"

Ethan's eyes scanned my bedroom as he answered my question. "Street clothes. We've got a back room reserved at a restaurant."

My own gaze followed Ethan's in an effort to figure out what was going through his mind. He was acting so strange. Finally, I just had to ask. "What's wrong, Ethan?"

He gave me a weak, reassuring smile and shook his head. "Nothing to worry about, baby."

"You've been acting strange since we got here."

"I didn't expect there to be so much of your late husband still here."

I frowned and glanced around the room. He was right. I hadn't changed a thing. His shoes were still peeking out from under the bed, his old ball cap hanging from the edge of the headboard, our wedding picture on the dresser. They were things I didn't see any longer. Just part of the backdrop that'd been there so long I ignored it.

Why didn't I remove those things right away?

I knew the answer had something to do with the fact that I slipped so far into depression at first, I couldn't do it. But there was so excuse for why they were still there.

I realized right away that it must look like I wasn't ready to move on. But that wasn't true. I was ready. I could thank Ethan for that.

"I guess those things have been there so long I don't see them anymore."

"You see them every day. You may not consciously want to think about them, but your subconscious is aware of them."

"I'm sure you're right. I honestly didn't realize they were there until you pointed them out. But now that you have, I'll get rid of it all. I need to put that whole thing behind me."

"It's not a

thing

. He was your husband. These are his personal belongings. Regardless of what you discovered after his death, you spent a significant part of your life with him. Good times."

My eyes started to tear up. "Not so much, as I recall. I pretended to be happy a lot. You know I never once walked through this house without clothes on? Never felt comfortable enough in my own home."

"You were walking around my house naked early this morning."

"I know. I liked it."

"Why?"

I silently considered his question for a few moments. "It was very liberating."

"Take off your clothes."

"Now?"

"Yes."

Every nerve ending in my body woke up and began to hum. His matter-of-fact delivery. As if it were perfectly natural for him to ask this of me. It was totally presumptuous. And completely disturbing how much it aroused me.

I lifted my chin and took a deep breath. I started to pivot away from Ethan to undress, but he stopped me.

"Don't turn away. Keep your eyes on me."

I nodded and pivoted toward him. His tee shirt that I was wearing came off in one movement, leaving me completely nude from the waist up. Ethan's gaze strayed from my eyes to my chest briefly. I unfastened and unzipped my shorts and then hooked my thumbs in the waistband to shimmy them over my hips. I let them drop to the floor and then stepped out of my shoes and clothes in one movement.

In a matter of seconds I'd gone from completely dressed to completely nude.

Ethan maintained his position, locking me into a stare. It was oddly comforting. My mind vaguely registered that I had nothing on, but I didn't seem to care.

"I'm thirsty, Grace. Can you fetch me a glass of ice water?"

I walked through the bedroom doorway. Ethan moved behind me and then stopped. I knew he was watching me. I pictured what I looked like from where he stood and remembered how many times he'd complimented my ass. I wondered if it was as torturous for him to watch me walk around naked as it would be for me to watch him do it.

Turning back toward him with the glass of ice water in my hands, I immediately noticed the bulge in his shorts. His green eyes were dark with lust. He was no longer looking me in the eye. Instead, his gaze swept up and down my body as he licked his lips. He looked positively ravenous for me. I'd never felt so desired in all my life.