My fingers rest against the keys of the piano. Tapping them quickly, dancing up and down the row of keys. I mash different ones trying to make the sounds resemble a piece of music, any piece of music but they come out like a garbled mess. I have no idea what I'm doing.
"You really suck at that." He wore a dark red coat under his black leather jacket, a piece of flannel shirt peeking out underneath it.
"I know, it's not really the point." I crinkle my brow and stare at my hands, then run them over my dark blue skirt.
"What is the point then? To suck? No, you are either good at something or you are not. It's a waste of time if you are not." His voice held a gruff matter-of-fact tone to it. I'm not sure what I was expecting but this was not exactly what I had imagined, fighting over my shitty piano playing on our first meeting.
"It doesn't matter. It's nice you have such a narrow view of the world, Thomas." I bite my lip as I avoid his eyes. I hate being nervous, it's so pathetic after all I've shown and told him about myself. I'd feel naked in front of him even if I wore a snowsuit because he has seen my soul. The dark nuances, the dusty corners, it was all filth and it had been seen. Pried open like a clam robbed of it's pearl.
He places a hand on top of mind, turning my palm upwards and places a folded piece of paper onto it.
"I want you to read it, aloud as I record. Ok?" my breath catches in my throat as I unfold it and eye the words. I wrote them myself months ago when I first posted the ad online. Why did the letters scare me now? The thoughts haunted my mind for years, the urges stained my heart.
My voice shakes. "I, Charlotte Clarke." I don't remember putting my name in this, and realize he added that himself. He is documenting this, for what? The police? His own personal masturbation collection?
"I, Charlotte Clarke, surrender myself to the control of Thomas Bren, as his voluntary captive. I can leave anytime I wish. I am here by my own choice and need. You will probably not understand but in time you will see that this is what I want and this is what I really am, filth." I lowered my eyes to the floor again, the lump in my throat doubling in size. I choke out the word "filth" like it's a slur.
"Good girl," his smile was stiff and practiced. I knew at once it was the condescending kind that people gave well behaved children and animals. I felt too big and insignificant again, my physical body occupying more space than was necessary. I squirmed, wishing I was thinner, eyeing how my thighs spilled over the edges of the hard plastic chairs we had moved to, a round table between us. I wanted all the distance that was allowed. Foolish as it was, I was still afraid of him. His rejection, his approval, his physical strength, everything about him. He was the monster in my dreams and a mirror image of the thing deep inside me that I wanted to kill. We sat in silence for a few minutes until he cleared his throat, a waft of his cologne tinging my nose as he spoke.
"You're fatter than your pictures and uglier too but you have nice eyes and I like how your big your tits are," I fidgeted uncomfortably and blushed from embarrassment. He studied my face curiously.
"You smell too, like a whore. I think it's your cunt" his tongue dances along the cheek of his mouth mauling a thought over.
"Like a dog in heat. I bet you're wet aren't you. Did you do as I said, Charlotte? No panties under your skirt."
I stiffened, not sure how to respond. The air was thick inside the deserted college cafeteria as it was nearing midnight, the college only staying open for those who lived on campus like me to use the computers and library.
"Yeah...I mean yes," I kept my head down again, feeling a shiver as the air conditioner kicked on.
"Slide two fingers up there, now and tell me what you first said to me when you I responded to your ad," he was grinning, pressing his teeth firmly into his bottom lip, satisfied. I gulped softly, and parted my legs, sliding two fingers into my mouth then slowly between my legs. Well aware of the security cameras but knowing the angle I was in coupled with how slow I was moving wouldn't raise too much alarm. I was a bit wet, but also scared and nervous. My pussy lips clung to my hand as I tried moving them apart, I placed the two fingers inside me then kind of sat on them.
"When you rape me until I scream please shove a beer bottle up my ass so I know that all I am is a cheap piece of shit who isn't good enough for your cock. Ruin me for all other men. Make me gape," I whispered as I closed my eyes, my breathe shallow as my pussy betrays me and squeezes tightly then releases against my fingers.
He cocks his head to the side with a raise eyebrow than begins to clap loudly for a quick second.