A Statement of What I Learned

Several months ago, my Princess and i came upon some troubles in our relationship that almost ended it. The problems were all my fault, caused by my failure to set priorities as well as i should and by my habit of panicking too quickly upon confronting serious problems in life, which for me have been frequent.

The near-disintegration of our relationship began in mid-July 2010. During a conversation, the topic came up of whether a person from a relatively normal upbringing can understand the feelings of someone from a traumatic background, particularly the person's attitude toward society and life. i come from a very dysfunctional and often abusive and poor family. Princess comes from an affluent and quite functional family. In what rapidly became a heated argument, i maintained that sincere empathy across such a divide is impossible, while Princess held the opposite position. We'd had this argument before, but due to concurrent problems with my family, in particular my mother's schizoaffective disorder and her frequent paranoia, my mood was already sour that day. my tone in the argument turned bitter, and the issue was not resolved. Princess and i communicated rarely for an entire week afterward.

We patched things up for another month, then lingering bitter feelings on my part, mixed with stress from my mother's recent arrest for domestic violence and from my applying to graduate school and juggling a semester, once again put me in a state of mind such that i failed to display the deference and adoration Princess deserves and demands - in fact i was outright scathing in some of our conversations, as well as quite fixated and disturbed by the current political and economic situation of the U.S. (i am very interested in politics.) Princess tried to be understanding and helpful, but i rebuffed Her efforts angrily, as if they were insulting. Eventually, Princess broke contact with me.

At first i was satisfied with the turn of events. The satisfaction lasted only a few days before i started to miss Her. Over time, the pain of Her absence from my life became severe. It began to sink in just what i had lost.

i am something of an odd recluse who, at age twenty seven, remains a virgin and who hasn't had a friend in eleven years as a consequence of largely self-imposed isolation. Having grown up with frequent evictions, stretches of living in motels and even foster homes and a homeless shelter, with severe and frequent parental fighting (sometimes violent), and with having worried daily for as far back as i can clearly remember, it is needless to say that my personality is rather warped. i go to college and am an excellent student, yet i seldom socialize with anyone outside my family; weird and at times abusive, emotionally and in the past, physically, they are the only people aside from Princess around whom i am generally comfortable. i have a distaste for society on the whole.

For years, i have felt like a pariah in what is supposedly the society of which i am a member, and this chronic feeling has caused me tremendous grief, to the extent i'd considered joining a monastery simply to be done with the world, even though i am not religious. Prior to and during our month of arguing - rather, my arguing and Princess' attempts at reconciliation by assuaging me - i viewed Her as a symbol of everything i am not and that i believe i should have been: outgoing, comfortable, accepting of and accepted by our own society; stable and self-assured. At times, i resented Her. All the time, Her opposite background added to Her allure for me - and it still does - as desire is naturally transgressive and people want what they believe they cannot have. Princess is also brilliant, beautiful, even kinkier than me, and just nice and sweet, with a wonderful personality, which also lure me to Her and make me love Her. So our bond consists of much more than just transgressive desire on my part.

Princess has been gracious to me from the start. She never judged me for my weirdness, relative poverty, or even my bitterness. Before meeting Princess, other girls i tried to talk to had dismissed me swiftly as inadequate, and the ones who flirted with me, i'd blown off out of insecurity. Princess' understanding nature and Her strong and persistent interest in me were so touching that i loved from the start. She is unlike any woman i've encountered. From our first conversation, when i was forthright about my background and current poorness and isolation, and She accepted these things as if they were unimportant in affecting Her interest, i wanted to be Her devoted slave, learning how to serve and please Her and doing all within my power to advance Her happiness. i would think that despite the bad start to my life, belonging to Her would make it all worthwhile. And She did make me Her slave.

When not perturbed by the circumstances of my life (family, economic stress etc.), or by my academic ambitions, which are a major source of worry for me, my fawning adoration of Princess and my drive to please Her in any way, along with Her decisiveness, power, beauty, kinkiness, and loving nature, made for a wonderful relationship. We frequently exchanged declarations of mutual love, and She was training me to be the alpha boy of Her future stable of slaves. i even sucked cock for Her.

Nonetheless, i often doubted how Her love for me could be real. This was merely the neurotic result of insecurity, but i have prone to neurotic insecurity. When i initiated the lengthy process of applying to graduate school in July, my stress increased. i see now that in the past, it was not uncommon for my priority list to shift such that my academic plans often outranked Princess, though i scarcely noticed it and never admitted it to myself. Considering my lack of funds and dependence on aid, as well as the fact that the university to which i was applying is 8,000 miles away and i feared that the distance would strain mine and Princess' relationship, and ongoing familial strife, my stress level went through the roof during summer.

Though it remains unclear to me, i suspect that my provocation of Princess was intended to ruin our relationship and drive Her away, so my life could be simpler, less stressful, and i could travel to another continent for school without always worrying if this would damage our relationship. i might have figured, in this haze of activity and time-consuming and energy-demanding concerns, that it was better to bring our relationship to a close before i left than to let it decay slowly as a result of inadequate contact.

When Princess did break contact with me, it took less than a week to realize the mistake i'd made. In emails, i begged Her to take me back, to make me Her slave again, to wreak havoc on me as punishment. i thought of Her constantly, missed Her horribly, and even reconsidered the monastic plan, as a way to divorce myself from the world and maybe forget Her, or at least do penitence for the stupidity i'd committed. i even sent Princess messages begging Her to command me to commit suicide so as to escape my misery.

i was admitted to the school, but wasn't terribly excited for it. Then my family ended up in a protracted squabble with our landlord and was evicted. We were facing homelessness. i stopped caring, for the most part, about school, as what i'd studied seemed so far removed from real and pressing matters that i found it irrelevant. i also began to doubt some of the material on the simple logical and material grounds. In short, my whole world was coming unglued.

i still contacted Princess at least every few days, often daily, and though usually i received no reply, we did converse occasionally in the four months since the catastrophe of late August. But from late October to December 27, i heard nothing from Her. The eviction was looming, no new apartment had been found, my mother was in the mental hospital, my father was losing his mind and drinking constantly, my brother had withdrawn even more than usual and refused to discuss anything about our present situation, the semester was ending and i had final essays to write and exams to take, and i was unsure if going overseas was really an option financially due to the falling value of the dollar. Christmas was horrible; no one in my family did anything to recognize it, we merely worried when the police would throw us out and then we'd have to relocate to a motel. We were moving items to storage, and i was getting ready to lose my mind.

On December 27, Princess emailed me, and we had a conversation. i told Her what had been going on in my life. i have always been required never to conceal information from Her, no matter how shameful and vulnerable. We had an excellent conversation and i wept like a child. It seemed there is hope in the world after all.

In the coming days, we re-established our relationship. We even exchanged statements of love for each other. Then i was evicted and moved in a motel with my bizarre family. Luckily i was between semesters, so it didn't interfere with my performance in school.

By about Christmas, i'd stopped even looking for apartments, and my dad had stopped before this. my brother never tried, being too withdrawn to engage in the world, and my mother, who has some fire and energy, was hospitalized. After we reconciled, Princess demanded i steer my family through this situation, as i am the one who keeps us on an even keel. Shortly after our conversation, i looked up apartments on craigslist and found one that looked promising. Over the coming week, we were allowed to sign a rental agreement and move in from the motel where we'd been living. Princess is proud that this disaster in my life has been mitigated.

She commanded that i write this essay detailing what i'd learned in those four months of absence. What i learned is simple: a person who loves You and accepts You, lumps and all, is far more fulfilling than the pursuit of extremely abstract knowledge and self-aggrandizing, goal-seeking behavior. A deep and intimate relationship with another person is more real than a bunch of mental phantoms like ideals, goals, and insecurities. It is necessary always to remember this when i find myself deeply disturbed by immediate circumstances, so that i realize what is important and worth protecting, and what are just artificial worries that stem from over-valuing relatively unimportant things.

i also learned that Princess is human too. There was a part of me that often suspected She could never love a person like me - that i was too scummy for Her to care about. She told me, when we reconciled, how much pain i'd caused Her. To learn this stung my heart, and the guilt has been strong ever since, though i know better than to fixate on the guilt and be driven to neurosis by it. Because Princess is human in this way (divine in others), i have a very strong need to protect Her. i would die for Her, and even live for Her. i want Her to be happy, loved, emotionally secure and confident, comfortable with Her relationships, knowing what She needs from them will be attained. Princess is lovely and precious. To protect Her in this way, and any other way, is an honor for me as Her slave.

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Anyway, this has been a long story, perhaps uninteresting to readers aside from Princess, and if it is, i apologize for wasting Your time. There is more i can say and write, but this exhausts what is on my mind at the time of writing, and i'll need to do more thinking before i can clearly say more about this topic.