This was not what I expected when I applied for the job.
Cynthia - Ms. Preston, always, to me - stepped out of her office.
"The fern is brown again, Mr. Thompson," she said frostily.
"Yes, ma'am," I said.
Head down, I scuttled quickly across the office, watering can in hand, as the other 10 workers in the firm stared from their desks. Everybody watched. Everybody knew. I heard the whispers.
I was hers. Helplessly. Totally.
Some people say they are slaves to their job.
I really am.
The job had said "office plant maintenance technician, $10 an hour."
What could be wrong with that? $10 an hour to carry around a watering can and poke some fertilizer sticks in some crappy philodendrons a couple times a month? At least I wouldn't have to deal with customers asking me where the "any" key was on the computer keybad at my tech support job any more.
The first month had gone fine. I'd done my job and the plants seemed to be growing, despite drowning in the glare of the fluorescent lights above them. The paycheck came in - that's the important thing - and I was on my way.
Then Ms. Preston called me into her office. The lead attorney in the firm, she stood in front of her imposing oak desk, tapping the toe of her impossibly high heeled shoe. Her calves curved elegantly from the height.
"Mal is brown," she said.
"Who?" I asked.
"Mal," she said, gesturing to the fern standing in the corner of the office near the window.
Indeed, the fern had brown edges to its leaves.
Her icy blue eyes stared at me. She looked imposing in the blue suit. It matched her eyes, I thought. Some white lace seemed to accentuate her generous cleavage, and I tried not to stare.
"I'm very sorry," I said. "I'll get some water right now."
"You do that," she replied. "If Mal does not get healthy, there will be consequences."
I resisted the urge to yell back that it's a GODDAMN PLANT, only barely.
As I re-entered the room, she'd sat in her chair, long legs crossed. She looked impeccable, as always, blonde hair up in some sort of fancy roll, but no hair astray. Beautiful but remote.
"Mr. Thompson," she said. "I want you to take the can and crawl to the plant. If any water is spilled, there will be consequences."
I protested, but she reached into her files and grabbed my contract.
"Right here. All orders will be fulfilled without question on pain of employment termination and any complaints brought will result in forfeiture of pay," she read from the fourth page.
Apparently I should have read the contract closer.
They pay just enough that you can't argue the point. Better than most places around here, and I needed the money. After a brief mental debate about telling her to shove it, I obeyed. My brain was irrelevantly fascinated by the patterns of maroon and blue in the weave of the carpet as I crawled across it.
"That's it," she said throatily. "Now make Mal all nice and wet."
I glanced back at her. She crossed her legs the other way and I caught a glimpse of a white thong and pink flesh as she moved. The dry soil sucked the water quickly, and soon became moist and pliant again.
"Crawl to the desk, Mr. Thompson," she said. "And kneel next to the trash can, facing me."
This was getting weird, but not enough yet that I was going to hit the panic button.
I complied.
I heard the pock-pock-pock of high heels walking down the hallway toward her office. I moved to get up, but she glared at me.