A Secret Even to Myself

DISCLAIMER: This novel will be MESSY. STILL

This is purely an experiment to get writing. I do not know where this story will evolve. It is something of a break from the massive series which I am also working on... but more of a forgivable weekly sprint to see where a story will take me.

My goal is to publish every week. It's my challenge.

This is not really a novel, although I do have a plot with an end, but I am approaching it more like a serial.

This is a pure rough draft. I do not have an editor. My goal is to publish an episode at least once a week. Think of it as a live studio soap opera.

This novel will be MESSY and thank you for joining me on this scary journey.

Happy Reading

-Talyis

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A SECRET EVEN TO MYSELF

(C) 2017, Talyis Ellison

CHAPTER 10

WEEK 5

Tobias was by himself sitting in the living room. All day he seemed like a trapped dog because it was raining outside and he couldn't sit in the sun on his ocean deck. He was reading a manuscript and groaning over every page.

Mahin whipped her brow with her marigold cover hands. She had cleaned the entire top floor this morning and her back was sore. She had never cleaned this much in her lifetime. She wanted to just relax and sit down for a moment and do something. Cleaning made her think about everything in life. It was exhausting to think so much and have so much time to one's self.

She pursed her lips. I was probably Tobias' plan all along. He had hinted at so much during her punishments. He wanted her to reflect and reflect she did. She wanted to get this...sentence done and bury him in the industry. Well, bury him after she shoots her film. She had to be focused on that job first.

Mahin pulled her marigolds off and slapped the rubber gloves onto the coffee table as she sunk into the couch. Tobias' eyebrows raised over the edge of his book.

"Do you feel useful?'

Mahin exhaled. She knew not just blurt out an answer when it came to Tobias. She took a quick second. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"I mean what I ask. Do you feel useful?"

"I just cleaned your entire house. You better see that I am useful."

"Tone, Mahin." He retorted.

"Yes, I am useful," Mahin crossed her legs and arms.

"Are you or do you feel useful?"

"What do you want, Tobias?"

"I want you to answer my question."

"I'm not going to answer your stupid question."

Tobias seemed to have dropped the subject and resumed reading the script. Mahin let her head drop against the back of the couch and enjoy the peace and quiet.

"Do you cook?" Tobias said suddenly.

"Of course, I cook. I wasn't born with a silver spoon." She wanted to say like someone but she held her tongue but indicated with her eyes.

"Good. I want you to cook dinner for now on."

"Oh, of course, because I am not useful enough. Do you want me to lick your boots clean next."

Tobias arched an eyebrow, wanting to take her challenge on, but remained tempered.

"Dinner is at 7 pm."

"Of course, it wouldn't be any other way. Would it? Your highness."

He did not want to give her the satisfaction of a response. But she knew it meant she had a few hours to herself before she would have to begin preparing dinner.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Everything was going...well. She had tossed the salad and the meatloaf was still in the oven. She had just enough time to push the tray of bread rolls into the oven when the stove started to sizzle with the water overflowing onto the hot eyes.

Tobias walked through the kitchen with an arched eyebrow. At least he was making himself useful. Mahin rolled her eyes.

He took out the blue linen placemats, plate setters, and white linen napkins to set the table.

She felt like a spider, cooking with all eight legs, splayed across the kitchen. She burned her fingers as she poured the boiled potatoes through the strainer. She had 10 minutes till 7 pm and she knew she was going to hear it from Tobias.

"Do you need help?" he asked. Mahin's stomach dropped. She couldn't believe what she was hearing but she tipped her chin up.

"No. I am already useful on my own thank you very much." Mahin prided.

"Ok. Dinner is at..."

"7. You don't have to tell me twice."

"Good. I like it when my instructions are understood the first time," Tobias turned on his heels.

"I like it when my instructions are..." Mahin mocked under her breath. She turned the cold water on to cool down the potatoes. She was going to finish this meal at 7pm and it was going to be delicious.

Once the potatoes were cool enough to pick up. She dropped them into the food processor and took a knife to quickly slice the potatoes into quarters. She grabbed the whipped cream and tossed a few sips worth in, then the sweet corn she had removed from the cob earlier, scallions and splash of balsamic vinegar. She was forgetting something but what. She put a half of red bell peppers, some sprigs of cilantro and an avocado.

Tobias walked through again this time with a bottle of wine in hand. He opened the drawer next to her, nearly startling her.

"Do you need help?" He asked again.

"Do I look like I need your help!" Mahin barked. "Why don't you get out of my way so I can finish making dinner."

Tobias didn't say anything. He just pulled out his wine opener from the drawer.

"I thought you don't drink."

"Special occasions only. I know how to drink and not drive like others presently."

"I didn't... You know what? Why don't you sit down. It's 7pm and dinner starts promptly at 7pm." Mahin order and then pressed the start button on the food processor. It quickly chopped and turned the ingredients transforming from white to green.

Tobias pulled a glass from the cabinet and padded to the dinning table near the open air kitchen.

Mahin pulled the meatloaf from the oven and set it down on the dinner room table. Tobias didn't say a word but quickly put a warmer under the oven dish as she set it down on the table. She turned to the food processor still grinding her potato salad to a near pulp.

Turned it off and then. "Shit. It's green," she thought to herself.

Maybe she was supposed to put slices of the avocado in last. "Well, at least it will taste the same." She said to herself and then spooned the potato salad into a serving bowl and grabbed the tossed salad as well and set it on the table.

"Lovely. Dinner is served," Mahin smiled and then served Tobias a slice of meatloaf, salad, and potato green.

"It looks appetizing." Tobias laid his cloth napkin across his lap.

"It's my mother's recipe," Mahin shared.

"Mothers usually have the best home recipes." Tobias agreed.

It was true. "Can we just eat in peace tonight," Mahin's instincts snapped.

Mahin took the first bite and Tobias just sipped his wine. Placing it far from Mahin. She paced herself through her favorite dishes her mother would make. She added potato salad to the top of her meatloaf, just as she had done when she was a kid. She took a delicious bit of the meatloaf potato combination and... Something isn't right. She pushed the potatoes off the meatloaf and added some salt to the meat.

Tobias finally took his first bite. He seemed to chew the meatloaf for days. Was he debating on whether to swallow or savor it more? He swallowed and then choked slightly. He seemed to wear a mask as he ate every single morsel of food on his plate. His face turned red with each endeavor to put his fork to his mouth. Mahin had given up on finishing the meal long ago.

She watched in awed silence as she watched Tobias doggedly eat the food. He then looked up and smiled. A slight chuckle passed his lips as he shook his head and finished his plate.

It was horrible. An unbalanced mess of ingredients.

"It's awful. I know."

"Truly," he dapped his lips with his napkin and laughed, his eyes watered now not just because of the food but because of the humor of it all. She couldn't help nervously let a small chuckle slip.

"You are a pretty good cook, Tobias."

"When was the last time you cooked?" Tobias choked on his words as he swallowed another bit, almost nearing a clean plate.

"I don't know?" Mahin admitted sheepishly.

"I thought you said you could cook?" he smiled.

"I used to know how to. In College, I always cooked. I made a feast out of stone soup."

"And now?" Tobias looked at the kitchen and serving plate with an articulate arched an eyebrow.

"SEAMLESS and restaurants. I can afford it."

"That is not healthy. Eating out all the time is not an adult decision."

"Well excuse me, Mr. Home Gourmet Cook. I'm not retired. I work hard and I come home and I just want to go to bed not slave over a stove." Mahin slapped the table.

"Now that you've gotten your morning routine down. You will cook every night except weekends. It's time for you develop an evening ritual... excuse me, routine," Tobias instructed.

Mahin nearly choked on air. "You don't even like my cooking?!"

"I guess, we suffer together," He only smiled. This is the time he smiles.

She rolled her eyes.

"Don't roll your eyes at me," Tobias scolded

"Sorry. I just think this is ridiculous."

"What lessons did you learn today?"

"Lesson? I learned that I forgot my mother's recipe." The fire alarm screamed and Mahin jumped from her seat.

The dinner rolls!

She ran into the kitchen and waved a kitchen towel around to stop the smoke alarm from ringing. Tobias opened a window right away and the air was sucked quickly into the cool ocean air.

"The lesson is knowing when to ask for help. It is not a show of weakness," Tobias stated but his voice hinted at a greater disappointment in her lack to realize the lessons he wanted to teach her.

Well, I am not his pupil. Mahin reminded herself.

"Are you done eating?" Tobias asked and Mahin pushed her plate aside. "Dinner is done. You will clean the dishes with me."

Mahin dreaded cleaning the dishes especially the caked-on burnt food and oily mess from the meatloaf mishap. Tobias tossed a drying towel to her as she sulked into the kitchen behind him. Tobias rolled up his sleeves and she noticed how strong his forearms were. She wanted to reminisce her dream last night but was snapped to reality when Tobias started going to task on the massive mess she had made. He took the monster mess pan and put it under the steaming water. While he cut half a lemon and splashed some salt in the pan. He rub the lemon against the salt and pan. Voila! clean and handed over to her to dry.

He cleaned all the dishes and she dried in silence. Tobias was a fast cleaner and all the dishes were cleaned and piled waiting for her to catch up on drying and putting the dishes away. Before she was half way through his cleaned dishes, Tobias finished wiping down the stove and counter tops and sweeping the floor. The kitchen was complete to it usual spotless look except for the dishes she had to finish putting away.

Tobias crossed the room and opened the patio door. A cool breeze entered the room, removing the burnt air. The pitter patter of the rain onto the wooden patio was pleasant. Tobias looked longingly at his deck, like a child on a rained out recess. He stretched with a satisfying groan and returned to his small library on the couch. But instead of reading a book, he just put his feet up on the coffee table and watched Mahin finish in the kitchen.

She finished and Tobias smiled. They got through dinner without a fight.

"There is some paper in that drawer, I want you to make a 5 day grid and plan out the menu for this week. I will approve it."

Mahin opened the counter draw and found a treasure trove of organization materials that were perfectly organized. It reminded her of Tobias' bedside table. The drawer was obviously Tobias' making because his partner's drawer was far from perfect. Maybe she rebelled against him and his perfection that she had to keep one drawer in the house like everyone else's, not perfect. She probably couldn't take his ruler lined way of life and left him. She loved that he lost his mate to his perfection. It made her feel like she could do the same one day and thankfully it would happen soon enough.

She felt some power at that thought. She jotted down an easy menu because she didnt want to make something she couldn't enjoy. It really has been a long time since she cooked and it was hard to think of real meals not primary children's food. At least she can pick the menu. She jotted down the meals and showed him. But Tobias crossed out three items and handed it back to her. One the second veto round, she snatched the paper from him and grumbled returning for a third time. He took the book that he was reading earlier and looked at the list. Again, vetoing a dinner meal. She brought the menu back to him and he finally approved.

"Time for bed," Tobias announced. "Your journal tonight is about why did you feel you had to lie about being a good cook."

WEEK 6

Mahin climbed onto the high bar stool at the kitchen counter. She tucked her cold hands under her legs. The house was chilly and the room as grey as the sky outside. She sat quietly waiting for something, anything. But nothing happened. Only the constant boredom that always made each day slowly drift in and out. Everything she did was so route, she almost forgot what it was like to make decisions on her own.

Did she miss it? The constant second guessing, waking up every day with an ever ending to-do list. Trying to evaluate whether this choice or that decision is the best and what would it mean for her in the future. But she had, to be honest with herself. She hadn't made decisions on her own for a while now. Not really. It just seemed like she had control of her life.

Russell Holt, her agent always considered her brand and her image. Russ would say "you are going to say 'yes' Mahin". This is exactly what your brand needs." Russ always had her best interests in mind. At first, it annoyed her that he didn't have art as his top priority. He always fought for the best contract pay, royalties, and billing for her. He made her one of the most sought after actresses. Mahin never forgot the day that shifted their relationship. "Yes, Mahin." He sat on the edge of his large mahogany desk, the LA boardwalk littered with tourist and washed-up actors now making a living as Elvis-es, Marilyn Monroes and Captain Jack Sparrows.

"I want to make art," she pleaded.

"You see those people down there? They didn't have managers like me that will always have your best interests in mind. You are a good actress Mahin. I know you had a hard life. I will never make that a part of your brand. I think of you like a daughter. But if you fight with me. I will have to let you go on your own. You're just getting started. Ultimately, you have to trust me."

From that moment, Mahin was like a member of the Holt family. She visited his home on holidays, called during tough lonely days and then eventually her surrogate father introduced her to Matt and she got his blessing.

And when she made a mistake of drinking and driving, he shrugged his shoulders. We all make mistakes. We'll get a light sentence for you instead of fight it and get off like these other actresses gone bad. It will be good first your brand. It's too "goodie two shoes" already. Don't worry. I hear there is a famous director that quit awhile back. He is committed to all the drunk driving organizations and rehabilitation. He does AA and the all. I'll work something out. This is good for you. Perhaps this director will come back to work one day. I'm sure saving the world from one drunk teen at a time pays really well.

He chuckled and Mahin nervously chuckled along. For some reason her actions getting barely a lecture was wrong. Her parents would have given her a scolding for sure. She felt more lonely in that jail cell and more sore from that realization about their absence than her self-inflicted wounds from crashing her favorite convertible.

But just as promised, he worked it out. It was happenstance the director was also getting a creative sentence for who knows what. But at least his sentence was more of what he was already doing; hers was not.

Mahin jumped down from her seat like a quite cat and padded her way to the couch were Tobias sat. He reclined across a few seats with a script in hand, his boat shoes hung lazily off his toes. It would appear that he was concentrating hard on the script except he was playing a game of putting his shoe on and then flipping it off to dangle of his foot then back on again. His face was full of consternation, his grip on the script was white knuckled.

"What are you reading?" Mahin asked.

"None of your business, get back to work," he said sideways not even really taking her in. His eyes still glue to the same lines.

"All done. The cleaning. My Grey's Anatomy Reading for today. All done," Mahin announced proudly. It was just before noon and she finally found a flow to get everything he assigned for her to do by noon.

Tobias didn't say a thing, just focused silently on his script. Mahin moved to the sofa across from him. She tucked her feet in and leaned over her knees circling her arms around her legs. It began to pour outside again. It was in a constant pattern of rain and then misty air. Thundering and lightning struck this time which startled her slightly. She pulled her body into a tighter ball.

"So what are you reading?

"A script."

"Are you in the eyes?"

Tobias looked up from his script like a lion looking up from the prey he just devoured. "What the hell is that supposed?"

"Almost like you can feel it."

Tobias rolled his eyes. "You can't feel a script. You read it and see it first."

"Yeah, maybe when you going to shoot it. But you're directing it, right? You got to feel it."

"What would you know? Don't you only do stupid teen dramedies."

Mahin shrugged, "Yeah once in awhile. But mostly for fun and to shed another character off."

"I am sure. That and a few bingers," Tobias guffed.

"Here." Mahin wagged her hand for Tobias to give her the script.

Tobias gruffuled and slapped the script into her hand. To his surprise, she only set the script aside and sat in front of him on the coffee table.

She was so close. Their knees touched. He could smell her sweet perfume that had often lingered in his sheets after she changed them. He knew it because it was the scent always in his dreams.

Mahin gestured for Tobias to come close. She stood upright and wiggled her shoulders and rolled her neck like she was going to do an Olympic sprint. "Sit up tall. Edge of your seat. There. That's good. Relax."

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing," She placed her hands on her knees palms up. "And something. Here."

She adjusted his shoulders with a slight push down and gathered his hands onto his knees in a meditative position and then put herself in the mirror position.

"Mahin, I really don't have the time for this."

"Shhh." She smiled and her eyes glittered. "It's simple. You are just going to look into my eyes and I am going to look into yours. Don't think or make perceptions. Just observe."

"Whatever."

Mahin started to star into Tobias' eyes. Her breath was steady and she blinked smiles once in a while out of nervousness.

"How long do we have to do this?"

"Just relax. Not long. Just be in my eyes."

Blinks.

Silence. Just blinks. Awkward Blinks. Who knew the simple muscle movement of the eye could be so uneasy.

Tobias took in Mahin's brown eyes. He noticed that they were not coal black eyes of some evil snobbish actress he had imagined her to be.

He tried to close himself off with that thought. She was probably judging him anyways. He was determined to beat her at this stupid game.

Mahin's eyes were like a rich desert of dark rusty brown. She outlined her eyes with black eyeliner which further brought out breathtaking reds and emerald flecks. Daresay, she was beautiful. Tobias narrowed his eyes because she knew it and she used it. But her eyes were not pompous. They were filled with life. Humor, youth yet he also so a deep pain. A pain he knew so well. She was gorgeous.