A Secret Even to Myself

DISCLAIMER: This is purely an experiment to get writing. I do not know where this story will evolve. It is something of a break from the massive series which I am also working on... but more of a forgivable weekly sprint to see where a story will take me.

My goal is to publish every week. It's my challenge.

This is not really a novel, although I do have a plot with an end, but I am approaching it more like a serial.

This is a pure rough draft. I do not have an editor. My goal is to publish an episode at least once a week. Think of it as a live studio soap opera.

This novel will be MESSY and thank you for joining me on this scary journey.

Happy Reading

-Talyis

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A SECRET EVEN TO MYSELF

(C) 2017, Talyis Ellison

Chapter 7

Twinkling jazz music filled the room. Malcolm and Mahin sat quietly at the dinner table, Tobias at the head keeping an eagle eye. Malcolm was enjoying another glass of wine with his meal. He swirled his glass and raised an eyebrow in Tobias' direction. Tobias only shrugged it off. He knew his friend's teasing ways too well. But tonight was different.

Malcolm's eyes were glued on Malin like a starstruck teenager. Tobias' jaw twitched annoyed with his friend's gawking Mahin like she was a zoo animal. What's with this girl that keeps entrapping his friend, him. They were not new to the business and have worked with the best in the industry. But why get starstruck now. He doubted she was a complete saint on set as Malcolm insisted.

Tobias knew what it was like working with troubled actresses on set and it always derailed the entire crew. It was one of the things he didn't like about work and didn't miss. He didn't miss the constant kowtowing to a spoiled actress that didn't deserve or earn respect.

"You're quiet.," Tobais remarked while pushing his asparagus around his plate not even scraping his plate.

"I don't have much to say," Mahin said not looking up at him.

"How did it go with the probation officer?" Tobias pushed.

"If you want me to say, "you win". I'm not going to. You don't win."

"I've already won."

"Really, Asshole?" Malin crossed her arms and slumped deeper into her chair. "Malcolm, your friend is a real sadistic jerk, you know that."

Malcolm choked with laughter, "Oh Malin, you don't even know the half of it."

"What do you do?" Mahin turned to Malcolm.

"I'm also in the film industry, too," Malcolm settled into his seat for the first time during the tense dinner. He winked and flashed his Colgate smile when he emphasized "too". Tobias threw his arm over the back of his chair and rolled his eyes, turning his body away from his house guests. "Tobias and I used work together. He was pretty good. A good DP and a good director." Malcolm threw "director" in Tobias' way with an assuring nod because Malcolm was the best friend that intimately knew how doubtful he was of his directing talent.

"And, why doesn't he do it now. Couldn't hack it?" Mahin chided

"Oh I assure you, he can hack it. He's just having a hard time..."

"Enough Malcolm!" Tobias slapped his hand against the table causing Malcolm to jump and then quietly smile at the growling wolf.

"Ohh. Tobias, Malcolm touch on an area of where you don't win. You are not always on top you know."

"Malin, you can leave the table," Tobias said dismissively not even looking at her.

"I didn't ask to be excused."

"I am not giving you the option to ask. I am telling you."

"Oh, my. Yes, sir."

"Don't mock me. Get. Up. Now."

"Have a good night Malcolm. Please excuse me." Malin curtsied to Malcolm.

Malcolm knew better than to say anything until the actress had left the room. He just

rubbed the back of his neck.

"Wow, Tobias. She is a handful. I like her."

"What's there to like?"

"A lot. But moreover, I like her for you. You need her."

"Why on earth would I need her."

"I think you will realize it soon enough but not right away. Like everything else in your life."

"Whats that supposed to mean?"

"Like coming back. You may not realize it now, but it is good for you to come back to work. Hell, even Malin said it so herself."

"She said 'I wasn't on top'."

"Exactly. and that is where you succeed most. One top. Come on man, come back. Win again. At least do it for her."

Tobias snorted incredulously. "Malin? Hell no."

"Angelica."

Tobias lowered his eyes. He slouched in his chair because the ache that never leaves grew stronger. He kicked his legs out to get more comfortable yet never relaxing. He hated the anxiety that clouded his mind when he thought about Angelica. He only fingered the napkin in front of him, to hope the strong tides crashing against him inside would subdue.

***

Tobias woke up in a cold sweat. His chest tightened the more he gasped for air as he clenched his fist beating his heart. He had a nightmare from that night that never seemed to give him a chance to forget. The blood was pouring down the cracked window shattered that splintered her lovely face. He had kissed her face so many times while delicately holding it between his hands just that morning. She had trusted him so deeply and now he had let her down.

He tried to reach out to her. So much blood. She whimpered and her grey eyes opened searching for him. He tried again to reach out to her, but he couldn't will his arm to lift. He needed her at that very second, he had to stop the panic that was becoming a tempest is those beautiful grey eyes. Her hands shook violently. So much blood. As she tried to touch her belly, to cradle and comfort their little one, but her forearm was trapped in between the twisted metal.

"Angelica," he whispered. She twisted her neck to her left to look at him and the anguish in cry floored him and then her wild eyes stopped his heart from beating.

Tobias fisted his hands to his temples and clenched his eyes shut. He heard Angelica scream in his dream. She had never screamed in real life, only her eyes suffered her terror in that moment. She tried her best to be strong for him, for their child. She was an ever present perfection even while facing death. Even in excruciating pain, she loved him and gave herself fully to him.

But she had screamed. She never screamed even while enduring his dark side. Strikes across her breasts and back, she endured gracefully. She asked for more just to satiate his need. She begged him, while sweat poured down her body having reached its physical precipice.

Her mind was his as was her body and soul. Angelica only let her silent tears flow, never for herself but for him. She felt selfish allowing her body to end his fun. He cherished her limits even though she'd push him to go further. He loved her all the more.

He loved cradling her, kissing her tenderly. She was the perfect masochist to his sadism. She had always pleased him immensely. He cared for her never allowing his need and hers to please cross a dangerous line. She trusted him to be disciplined and he honored her by being a wise, and responsible dominate as ever. He strived to be his best because of her trust.

She reached but was pinned. So much blood.

He jacked himself out of bed, admonishing himself for allowing a nightmare to come through. Angelica wouldn't want him to relive that horror. It was disgraceful to her memory. He had to be strong. His back slumped deep into his bed. Angelica was so strong. He hadn't had a dream about that night in a very long time.

He searched his day for triggers that could bring these dreams on. He could only find one reason to justify the what had woken the beast of his memories.

Before the thought was complete, he was already unlocking the door and throwing it door open.

His heart nearly beat out of his chest. He didn't know what he was expecting to see. Mahin working strange magic to cause his suppressed nightmares to surface or her cradling an empty bottle of whiskey like a teddy bear to her chest.

He bit the inside of his cheek, she was fast asleep and not cradling anything in her arms. She was delectable to him in that moment. In that moment, he forgot the sound of her voice speaking back to him with that impetuous tone that raised his hackles so often. Nor was she giving him the constant evil eye like a petulant child.

She was a woman. He saw the graceful starlet that everyone was convinced she was.

Even a treasured brown nipple peekabooed outside of the top of her lace tank top was gracefully sexy. He let out a stifled breath of air that shuddered in response to his tightening core, his body wanted her. He forcefully bit tongue hard until his eyes watered and his brain could refocus.

He was not going to become one of those lemmings that fell for her features and charm. But her nipple was still burrowing deeper into his mind and his need to capture it between his teeth in between bathe it with his own tongue in tortuous circles that would force her body into a delectable wonton arch. She would be pliant for more.

He felt his sweatpants no longer fit properly and quickly shut the door. He remembered a part of his dream. For a moment for a flickering of imagination crossing between memories, Angelica was replaced by Mahin. She was distorting everything Angelica was.

He slid down the wall. The wall cooled his back. He hadn't been attracted to anyone since Angelica. Before he would have never been attracted to someone like Mahin. But he was drawn to her. He was attracted and completely lured in by her. He'd watch her move about his house. He had to admit he loved the challenge she posed. But it was more than a provocation to uproot everything that was his sense of meaning. He couldn't pinpoint it but it attracted him. Her feist made him hot for her but it was also driving him crazy.

In that moment he realized two things. One, Marcus was right, Damn him. Angelica wouldn't want him to live as he had been. He had become a shell only carrying her memories and even then he failed her. He wasn't living a life worthy of those memories. Two, he had to get Malin out of his life as soon as possible.

*****

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"Incorrigible ogre!" Mahin spat once she entered her hovel, stopping short of slamming the door. Breaking another rule.

She had done everything right. She woke him up on time, even though it took her fifteen minutes to get Sleeping Beauty to open his eyes.

He rolled over on the wrong side of the bed and then blamed her for not waking him at exactly 7:30 am.

"Ever heard of an alarm asshole!" she gritted her teeth wish she had thrown water on him or clanged pots and pans together to wake him up.

She would keep that in her back pocket for tomorrow if he refused to wake to her gentle prodding.

Her arms still ached from holding the books again as punishment for not pulling him from his sweet dreams on time. She wasn't thinking about being balanced or unbalanced during her punishment. She wished he would have nightmares so he could be punished.

If starting the day with a punishment wasn't enough, he then scolded her for making lunch for herself.

This wasn't part of the rules. But Dictator Tobias then replied he was adding a new rule. She was to eat when he ate. After that, his temper simmered slightly enough to bitterly ask her if she were allergic to anything. She wasn't. He then barked, good your menu will be the same as mine and I will approve it.

He roared at her in such contempt, she was no longer annoyed but now afraid. He had serious anger issues and she now wished she could lock her doors. She was never good at leaving a hornet's nest alone. She always wanted to keep herself from appearing weak. But when you're a big animal a sting still stings no matter how ferocious you are in the jungle.

Thankfully Malcolm joined them for dinner again and he was a refreshing diversion from Tobias. Mahin hoped his frequent dinners would be the norm.

She played tigress, if not to have fun seducing Malcolm, at least to find an ally. It was her simple flirts when she noticed an unsettling in Tobias' steely eyes. Jealousy was breaking through his scowl of hatred. At first, it was just odd, after all, she was put through that entire day, and now he is jealous. He pointedly said that he didn't create for her, but he didn't want her to be the recipient of any affectionate flirtatiously from his friend either.

Malcolm seemed aware but unmoved by his friends' brewing angst. It made it more fun for Mahin to push further. Malcolm enjoyed their teetering chat about the film industry peppered with sexual innuendos to add salt to Tobias' absence in their discussion of finding many common interests.

It was fun to giggle with Malcolm, it felt right like she was finally able to relax and be herself for the first time in days. Their chat unnerved Tobias, it was like they had a secret pact to flirt with each other in order to ruffle him up. Two can play this game he thought.

It was fun until Mahin brought up Tobias' anger. She said he was as stiff as a British butler but raged like a loon in heat with airs of a peacock. Marcus just cracked up, his red face bursting with laughter.

"I may be a peacock that has dignity but you are like a common tramp! Leave the table right now!" he interjected steadily, his voice frosty as his stare.

His lip curled slightly into a sly smirk once the effect of his insult hit Malin stunning her silent. Her face blanched color as she tried to keep her humiliation hidden but she couldn't meet his gaze.

"Malcolm, I enjoyed your company thoroughly tonight. I hope your friend's behavior will not make you feel like you cannot enjoy the company of this cold home. Goodnight. " She said to Malcolm and then regained strength to throw a dart of disgust at Tobias.

While she walked down the hallway she heard Malcolm whispered heatedly, "You didn't have to go there, my friend."

"What I do in my house and with that Charge is my business, none of yours," He growled.

She closed her door wishing she did slam the door for effect.

"Insufferable ogre!"

It was only day 8 and she had 76 days left.

***

"Silent treatment, how childish, " Tobias snorted. " If you don't talk then you will only delay your progress."

She just stood there un front of him defiant only holding her moleskin journal out to him. The only words she spoke to him where "wake up" which he did promptly not wanting another repeat of yesterday, he had ensured he took his sleeping pills so he'd have a good night's sleep and more importantly not have any nightmares about Angelica.

"Read it," She said nothing only propped her arm up with her other hand determined to make him take it and read it himself. "Read it or face the consequences."

"What you going to make me pull my pants down to spank me? Because bring it on my arms don't even hurt anymore."

Oh god, she went there and immediately he responded his cock fervently straining again his black jeans. He wanted, no, needed to pull her across his lap to give her a few hard wacks that would turn her brown skin to a nice rosey color. He ached to dip his fingers into her to gather the wetness of her need and trace her lips with it. He wanted to capture those lips in between his own and suck on that stubborn bottom lip that was now pulled in a taunt line of defiance.

He would have her melt in 30 seconds and she would never disrespect him again. She would fear she would never again experience the ecstasy he would give her if she disobeyed. She would only want to make him happy. Make him proud and giggle deliciously like she had last night with Malcolm during dinner. The entire evening she was gorgeous the way her neck exposed when she tossed her head back with laughter, her infectious smile, and her surprising wit.

Her freedom was sexy. She was unburdened and lovely, not like most starlets. She was different. She was sweet, not jaded or corrupted. But she had a dark and evil selfish side or else should wouldn't even be in his house.

"Well, Tobias?" she tapped her foot impatiently, goading him on.

He felt his palms burn remembering the heat otanning the ass of a disobedient slave. He suddenly realized how much he missed the sound of skin being struck. He loved the conflicting sounds of pleasure and pain leaking from her lips, it was a sweet nectar that turn fueled him with sexual greed.

He was beyond denying Malin was more than attractive. The Hollywood idiots paid her because she was beautiful and would turn guys like himself on. He knew Hollywood women, they used their temporal allure to get what they wanted when they wanted it. Because everyone knew suddenly one day no one would bat an eye in their direction. Mahin had to be the ringleader of all of Hollywood because she tempted him to drink the poisoned waters again.

"You've 5 seconds to start or face the consequences,"

"Ohh, just like when I was five years old I guess you are going to put me over your lap. Guess what! I'll help you. Five...four,"

That was it, he grabbed her by the scruff and pulled her to the corner of the room that was a wall of windows looking out on the shimmering blue waves. He wagged his finger warning her not to move. He was impressed he was able to move her across the room and not to the couch over his lap. He then crossed the room pulling out his keys to unlock the liquor cabinet and pulled out a bottle of Stoyli.

"You going to drink in the middle of the morning, you judgemental bastard." She spat from the other side of the room.

He ignored her and dumped the entire bottle in the sink making the literal "glug-glug" sound kids used to make when referring to drinking. He brought the empty bottle over to her and placed it on the glass wall in front of her face.

You are to hold this bottle up with your nose and think about your determination to be glued to your lusts-"

"Lusts, you pervert, I am not here because of lusts!" She cracked her tongue at him like a whip. His nervous clawed are him realizing what he had accidently said.

"Your lusts for drinking and drugs. "

"I don't do drugs you asshole. "

"Keep it up back talking to me it will only prolong your punishment and if you let that bottle drop, I will call your probation officer to take you to jail for quiting the program," he saw for a brief second the recognition in her dark brown eyes that this was her escape from him and he welcomed her to fail. "and that will mean no movie deal."

"Fucker!"

"Begin."

She shook her head and stepped up to the plate and delicately place her nose against the bottle; sandwiching it between herself and the glass window that circled the entire living room, floor time ceiling glass panes giving ao much natural light to the room.

The bottle started to slip as soon as Tobias let go nearly falling at hee feet, but he caught it in time.

She had dropped it. Panic flooded her, it was her chance to get out of this mess, she would eventually deal with not having the film deal but she couldn't be humiliated like this any longer. But it was his bluff, he wasn't calling her probation officer, he said nothing, just placed the bottle of vodka in front of her face again.

"Do not drop it or else you will be dropping your pants next spreading your cheeks and coughing."

That was enough to make sure she stuck it out. It was day nine, how much worse could the next 75 days go.

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Thanks for reading. I'm coming to a few areas where I have had some writer's blocks. I usually write main ideas and big plot points first. However I am struggling to find the first moment of clarity for Tobias after the next chapter, or perhaps it comes for Mahin. I'd love to hear your ideas about something that can bring these two very stubborn people together. Also, if you have any punishment ideas, I'd love to hear your thoughts.