A Secret Even to Myself

DISCLAIMER: This novel will be MESSY.

This is purely an experiment to get writing. I do not know where this story will evolve. It is something of a break from the massive series which I am also working on... but more of a forgivable weekly sprint to see where a story will take me.

My goal is to publish every week. It's my challenge.

This is not really a novel, although I do have a plot with an end, but I am approaching it more like a serial.

This is a pure rough draft. I do not have an editor. My goal is to publish an episode at least once a week. Think of it as a live studio soap opera.

This novel will be MESSY and thank you for joining me on this scary journey.

Happy Reading

-Talyis

********************

A SECRET EVEN TO MYSELF

(C) 2017, Talyis Ellison

CHAPTER 1

Tobias smooth his hand over his face, his jaw cracked and he realized he had been grinding his teeth for the last 30 minutes. He paced a few steps to the right and then looked down the long corridor and shook his head. Again his jaw cracked and as his knuckles to cracked in harmony. A habit he had promise to stop years ago. But now, it was the only way to release the tension and his mounting annoyance.

She is late.

Finally the doors swung open, smashing against the walls as a petite girl with short rough cut hair dyed with pink and teal, sauntered down the hall slowly. Not a care in the world and definitely not a single fancy that she had made him wait 30 minutes.

She stopped in front of him with a stomp of her heavy industrial music-style boot. She looked like whimsical pixie but with a single glance at her petulant scowl, he rolled his eyes.

The young woman was the epitome of a privilege misfit in his book. Black and white clothing that would be in a Tim Burton fashion show, and her make-up hid her delicate features under heavy coal and overly smokey eyes.

Under all the veneer, her doe-like light brown eyes were messmerizing but he was steely and forever sharp. He grunted as her eyes dodge his as she cast a glance ove her shoulder and then slumped her hip in the opposite direction. She made a sucking sound with her lips and huffed. She was just as annoyed as he was. They both did not want to be there and they both did not want to meet each other.

Tobias rolled his shoulder back, acceptance was his only choice.

She was his punishment.

"Right, lets go," he turned on his heels and walked down the corridor towards the exit behind him. He didn't care if she was following him or not. He just wanted to get this over with.

As soon as the sun hit his face, he was reminded of the freedom he was given. His lawyers told the judge that he was responsible and well-meaning- yet meticulously control dependent in everything he did for all intents and purposes they could have just said he was an anal-retentive bastard. But this judge was know for his creative sentences and had given him a lethal charge for his misdemeanor -- he was to use his discipline skills and precise need to control people to teach this girl and in turn learn from her and put a damper on his precise need to control people like her.

With a clack of his gavel, this wild girl in his charge now.

He climbed into his Bentley but immediately wished he would have served a few weeks in jail. His molars popped his jaw, as soon as the girl opened the passanger side of his car and slumped in her chair, placing her feet on his dashboard.

"Take your feet down," He snarled and she looked at him and then slide her feet to the floor.

"Where are we going?" She asked, her voice was sweet and innocent. It was the sort of voice he missed and drew him near.

"Home."

"What do you mean "home?" You know all you have to do log in a few hours with me on your stupid sheet. You don't have to actually do anything. We just need to make sure our accounts match." Gone was her sweet voice that was so enticing.

Tobias clenched his teeth and ignored the woman-child sitting next to him and drove out of the state rehab parking lot.

Tobias was no stranger to rehabs or their patients. Every time he thought about it, memories flashed in his mind of retrieving his sister from a building in a city 500 miles away, half-crazed and taking her a mental hospital. Or his last girlfriend, a woman he adored and wanted to marry, but she was only married to cocaine because she liked how it kept her skinny for modeling shoots. She was in and out of mental rehabs until one day he had to let her go.

Tobias shook his head. This was a crazy stupid idea. What was that judge thinking that's to set him up with this girl. Out of all the people in the world that needed "mentoring," it seemed like they were purposefully opening old wounds.

Mahin was a famous actress and model that was continuously going through her own Brittney Spears-Lindsey Lohan-kinda-breakdown. Mahin was going deeper, further, and faster than the other Hollywood starlets. She had no regard for her life or those around her and yet moved as if the world should bow at her feet.

Well this is something he would definitely not going put up with.

"Come on man, let's just sign our sheets and be done with this." Mahin complained and combed her fingers through her hair blowing as the car speed by down the interstate.

He didn't answer. Just ignored her.

"I can tell you're going to be a pain in my ass." She slipped her feet back onto the dashboard.

Tobais' fists on the steering wheel as he sped down the interstate. The visit to the rehab center had unearthed so many memories he had covered with tombstones years ago and now this.

Finally, they pulled info the driveway of his glasshouse. Ironically, the reason why he was trapped in this arrangement was because he threw stones.

He let out a long exhale through his nose and finally glanced at the girl. Even though he wanted to look away from her, he was finding himself drawn to further observe her with each second. She is beautiful although he quickly felt even more odd thinking that thought. His face burned a red with private humiliation. He had never been attracted to a brown skin girl before and couldn't understand why this one was drawing his attention when she represented everything he strongly disliked about the world. Everything he works against, fights against and then subsequently exploded over thus realty in his own sentence. He had to get back to sound thinking and not about this girl.

He quickly got out of the car and walked around to open her door, "Get out!! "he ordered and Mahin rolled her eyes at him, something that always made his blood boil. She swung her feet out and moaned in complaint. He narrowed his eyes to let her know he was boss and then escorted her to the front door of his home.

The house looked out onto a lake that shimmered with the high noon sun. His deck was long and jetted out into the water becoming a docking state for his boat. He could sail out of the inlet and into the ocean. The house was designed by her. Everything about it reflected her love for the Sun, nature and adventure. They bought the property together, he gave her the task of finding her favorite land options within the budget and she did outstanding job finding three excellent properties within the two week pended. She was amazing the perfect woman.

"Your room is down the hall there," he pointed to the guest bedroom.

"Wait a minute! You don't expect me to stay here." Mahin stomped her feet and crossed her aims over her chest.

"The laundry is down the hallway. Your probation worker will be here in an hour. Your manager dropped off your suitcase this morning, so you might as well unpack. Dinner is a 7pm. I expect you can stay out of trouble until then," Tobias then opened the door to his deck, and leaving her inhospitable and alone in his empty cold house.

Everything in the home was ivory or cream and various shades of blue from azure to baby blue. Mahin walked around with curiosity and often crinkled her nose. It all looked like it was directly out of a Pier 1 catalogue and not at all fitting her tastes.

Eventually, she should resign to defeat. She had been fighting for days and now it seemed like everything was spiraling out of her control. All she could do was hoist a white flag in surrender. But that was not what she wanted to do just yet. She still could out-wit someone into bending the rules for her. She did get off with this community service mentorship deal – but this man was taking this job way too seriously --to a completely different level.

She snorted a snarky laugh, he had to have been the kid in school that took names while the teacher stepped out of the room. Regardless, she felt betrayed and abandoned by her manager.

She walked down the hallway which was lined with amateur photos of the sea, seashells and ships and other nautical themes. She opened the door to her room and found that there were no windows, just a twin bed and a dresser. Her brown Louis Vuitton suitcase was settled on the bed. The wall was painted power blue and side table that also expanded into a desk was settled near her bed.

This was worse than she expected. She hadn't sleep in a twin size bed since she lived in the dorm rooms of her conservatory. On the desk sat a pen and a moleskin journal. She flipped through it and found it was empty. What did this man expect her to do, write essays?

She rolled her eyes and flopped onto the bed and stared at the ceiling. Yeah, she could write essays if he wanted – he probably expected her to write about how a terrible person she was and how grateful she should be to have his roof over her head.

"Fuck that," she said to herself. She kicked her suitcase off the bed with her feet and covered her arm over her eyes.

This was worse than she ever expected. In secret she wished she had just done the time and get over it. But her agent, manager and other handlers that were "responsible" made the decision that she take the plea bargain.

She missed Matt. He would be perfect for diverting her attention to something else right now. If only he were here right now. Where was he? Why hadn't he called her yet? They took her cellphone away from her at the rehab center. She quickly thought of all of her friends who were pulling for her. She quickly scrambled onto the floor and opened the suitcase hoping her manager was smart enough to pack her cellphone.

She shifted through her tightly rolled clothing.

They didn't pack anything fancy, just everyday clothing enough to last three weeks. She noted, no party clothes. And to add to that not a lot of makeup either, just the essentials: foundation, mascara, blush and a tinted lip gloss. What were they expecting do over the next 12 weeks – go clubbing every night. Well, actually, she would if she could, but now all she wanted was to hear Matt's voice. She found two new pairs of the doughtiest pajamas she had ever seen. Sandels, loafers and converse shoes, no heels and a bag of toiletries. At least they packed her favorite perfume. This and her Hermes watch seemed like the only luxuries she was allotted to her. Her tablet and cellphone were nowhere to be found.

She slumped onto the floor, her clothes surrounded her after she ripped everything out searching her bag three times for her phone. She wished she had actually memorized phone numbers instead of entering them into her contact list. At least then she would have been able to use the man's landline to call Matt.

Matt wasn't her boyfriend but she was stuck on him like glue. She missed him so much even now. It had been a week since they last spoke. She began to regret the last time she saw him, she wished she had never fought with him that night and then jumped into her car. She didn't care what anyone thought about Matt, he was perfect for her. When they were sober they had fun, good conversations and great sex; when they were flying they had fun and great sex followed by the best conversation when they woke up hung over together which they enjoyed fighting off with more amazing sex. They were invincible, the perfect lovers defeating all natural odds and enjoying themselves as if it were the last day of the world. There was no doubt about it, even though she never told him, she loved him.

She pulled herself to her feet, boredom had already set in within the three minutes of realizing she had no way of contacting Matt. The only number she knew by heart was her agents number. Of course she remember that number, she remembered when she was hunting for an acting agent, she called the number daily – breaking all the rules. She smirked to herself. Breaking all the rules is what always worked for her. She was unconventential, she didn't care about unwritten Hollywood business rules and that was why she was so successful. She was alluring for breaking all the rules. She didn't understand why they were making such a big deal about this "single" incident. They loved her for breaking the rules, they loved spinning her story to magazines, directors, and producers as the rebel actress. Her approach broke all the rules as she wowed them in every film she made. They even hooked her up with Matt a rebel-rouser himself.

She walked back to the main room of the house and saw the man at the end of his pier sitting on a wooden lounge chair facing away from the house. She rolled her eyes; he was going to be the end of her. She didn't care how handsome he was, it all seemed like a ploy to her by her handlers to get her mind off of Matt by making her stay with this man. He was cliché tall, dark and handsome; and something else that was as trite that she just couldn't pinpoint yet. She could seduce him if she got bored and he was so anal and drop his guard. He was the opposite of Matt who was just a few cms taller than her, and lanky and scruffy. This man was strong, his body under his stuffy-stiff button up top and tie didn't hide his solid physique. He was well-groomed, his fingers manicured and freshly shaven face. His appearance lied at first glance, but she could tell he was aged through his amber eyes.

The phone sat on the kitchen counter, she grabbed it and dialed her agent immediately.

"Hey Russ! What the fuck?!"

"Oh hi, Mahin,"

"Don't 'oh hi' me Russ. What have you trapped me in?"

"It's only for 12 weeks Mahin. You are strong you can handle it."

"What is this a 12-week program?"

"Mahin, its for the best. Hey, its good for business too. I've got three jobs on hold for you- they are waiting for you to get better. Plus one is going to be totally worth your while."

"What's it going to be."

"Sweetheart, your favorite director – so be good."

"Really?!" Mahin couldn't contain her excitement. Her favorite director was waiting to work with her. He rarely did films and he always used fairly unknowns. He was like the Stienbeck of the film world. "Why don't you send me the script. I get on it right away. I'm ready now. Don't keep him waiting."

"Can't do, Sweetheart. He wants you to be fully recovered. He said something about hoping you will come out of this a better actress and can fully take on the role emotionally."

"What do you mean? I'm not an invalid. I can do it now. I am strong. I'm not depressed or crazy. I'm not deranged, Russ, I made one mistake. Send over the script."

"No can do. I don't want to ruin this deal and his directions were to only allow you to review the script once you have completed your time."

"I'm professional. I've always been absolutely perfect when working, what's the big deal now!"

"I know Sweetheart. We just need to iron-out your personal life. Work is not over once you leave the set. It is all the time."

Mahin tilted her head back and screamed silently. She closed her eyes and gathered her anger into a tight ballin her chest. "Ok, Russ. Hey can you give me Matt's number. I cannot find my phone and I don't remember-"

"Can't, Sweetheart. He is on your banned list."

"What do you mean banned list?" The tight ball in her chest began to expand like the sun, hot and radiating. She heard the deck door slide open and closed behind her.

"Why are you dictating my life?! He's my boyfriend! I think I can make my own banned list!"

"I got to go, Sweetheart. Talk to you soon. In twelve weeks."

"Don't hang up on me!" She screamed into the phone as the call loudly dropped, she squeezed the receiver tightly in

her hand.

"And that will be the last phone call you will make without my permission." Tobias said in a measured tone and took the receiver out of her hand replacing it on to its cradle.

"I don't care. I am not staying here."

"You will." He only replied and then sat on his overstuff white couch. He pulled a tablet from his coffee table and began to surf the web, ignoring her.

"Whatever," she rolled her eyes and marched back to her room.

She was left in peace until she felt a presence behind her.

"I told you not to make this room a mess. Pick up all your things and put them away. Your probation worker will be here any minute."

Her eyebrows furrowed, she didn't understand this man at all. She quickly picked up all of her clothing and tossed them back into her suitcase. Damn no, she was staying her a moment longer. She couldn't wait for the probation worker to arrive so she could leave.