A Perfect Picture in a Mirror

Many thanks to WindySwimming and shygirlwhore for correcting grammar and spelling. I am living in Germany and I forgot some things in English since school and university. It is possible that some parts are cumbersome and not completely on the point.

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I wrote it down some weeks after it happened to end this chapter for me. Before I deleted it, I decided to write it in English and publish it here. Likely the possibility does not exist, but perhaps she will find it someday.

Today I am 42 years and this happened two years ago. I was a player in the BDSM scene and additionally in a normal relationship without BDSM. My girlfriend knew about my visits to the BDSM scene. We agreed to have an open relationship in which we both were free to have sexual contacts with others. But BDSM was always strange for me. Although exciting and sexually satisfying, I always felt 'empty' after each meeting. I felt that something was missing for me.

My girlfriend Sandra went on business trips for her company, because she had to visit fairs and clients. At the time, she was to be gone for one week and I decided to take two weeks holiday and make a trip to Prague. I like sightseeing sometimes, but not all day and especially not for two weeks. I decided that a perfect holiday would be to have a slave and if I am in the mood, to look around in Prague. Because of that I placed some ads on the internet, looking for a 24/7 slave for ten days and offered 10,000 Euros. Not little money for me, but it seemed like a fair price. I never was with a prostitute, because I hated the thought that I might be the fourth or fifth men of the day. But I wanted to find a private slave and wrote the ad like this.

Most answers were from professional women or simply not interesting for me. I knew it would be difficult because I do not speak the Czech language and the ad would be attractive for professional women who will tell me that they are not. In the end, two requests remained that had the potential to be interesting and I arranged with both a meeting for dinner in a restaurant in Prague.

I met with the first potential slave. Her English was good, but not perfect. She was from Russia and I was not sure if she was legal in Prague and in the EU. To be sure that she understood all, I told her again of my general taste in BDSM. I am no true sadist. I do not enjoy giving pain to anyone. I enjoy giving pain to a person who likes pain and in the same way who is suffering for me. In the end it is my understanding of BDSM in general. We showed each other our ID Cards and talked about 24/7 in general, likes, dislikes, limits etc. Her taboos were scat and durable damage like scars. I told her that to me scat and scars were more proofs of love than part of a meeting like this and that I will meet with another girl next evening. She should use the time to make her decision if she wants the meeting or not. She was not a woman you look after if she walks by, but she had a natural submission in her eyes which I really liked.

The second was, in my mind, a professional slave. She was really pretty, perfect body and had very good English. She left even scat free to my decision and I played with the thought to take her. But in the end I wanted to know and I asked her about being a professional slave. She did not answer and could not look in my eyes. We both knew the answer without saying it. I told her that it was nice to meet her, but my decision was done. She wanted me to come with her for two hours to show me that she would be the perfect slave. I told her "No" and that this would not change anything. She told me that it would not be fair to give her no chance, because she knew she would be the perfect slave. I gave her the chance, because partly I liked this submissive behavior. But it was the expected result. She was perfect, submissive and masochistic, but in the same way she showed me what was really missing. Until that point I always thought that I was looking for more extreme things in BDSM and if I would do them then the feeling of 'empty' would be gone. But she showed me what was missing. BDSM as a way of loving between two people. Real submission and living BDSM.

I told the first girl about my realization and canceled the date with her, too. I changed the holiday from two weeks to one week. Later the first girl asked if we could meet again and look around in Prague. I told her "Yes" because the last three days seemed to me more attractive with her than staying alone.

We spent two days together looking around Prague and only enjoying the time. It was my last day in Prague and we were having dinner at a small restaurant near Wenzels Place. She asked me if I had any sexual interest in her because I never invited her to stay with me at night. I told her that I have a girlfriend, only including BDSM other women are interesting for me and that I do not find in playing BDSM what I am really looking for. She asked me if I want to marry my girlfriend. I told her that I probably will never marry because to be convinced that you love someone in five or ten years and want to spend your life together, it must be a very special person. She must be able to touch my soul, my deepest longings. She must also have the strength to impress me. Most married couples I know do not have real love after sometime. They are used to each other and accept this, but there is no real love anymore. I do not want to have this in my life.

Then we talked about BDSM for the first time after the meeting on the first day. I answered from my point of view that total power is more a fantasy for a Dom.

"We are dreaming to have that total power, but total power and humans is never a good thing. 24/7 in BDSM is more an imagination and fantasy of this power, similar to medieval times in Europe or the white/black slave system in the USA. Humans have made too many mistakes that prove they should not have this power. All what is happening into BDSM are just meetings to play or relationships which can be ended by both at once which more or less parts of BDSM in the relationship. In the end this total power would mean real slavery and it would only be possible with love, because real love would always protect the slave. But love is the word with the saddest use in this world. How many men told you about love and only want to fuck you? How many men told you about love although the love went away in three months and they told the next woman that they love her? How many men told you the words "I love you" only to persuade you to do something or to apologize for something etc.? To me permanent slavery is only possible if you are craving for love, real love. You belong to him, he will never have any hidden reasons, but you can enjoy every sign or word of love in the fullest way."

She answered: "You are right, but slavery in medieval times in Europe or white/black slavery in the USA only the body of a person belonged to the slaver. These times do not exist anymore. But nobody owned the soul of the slave."

I said, "I agree, if someone owns the soul of a person permanent slavery would be possible today."

She said: "You finished university and I hardly finished school, you are 15 years older, you have a future. My future will begin in two weeks to start as a prostitute because of debts to bad men. To be a slave means for me that my past is gone and to be born again. I had an illness with eating. I got over it, but I am shredded. Sometimes I feel that I am a piece of shit, alone, ugly and nobody likes me. Sometimes I feel like a woman with pride and self confidence; I am both and I cannot be lucky."

She had tears in her eyes and I told her, "Only a person in your situation can understand this completely. But you are strong; you are able to speak about this. I would help you if I knew how. But perhaps partly I can understand you. If a tree is struck down in nature by a storm then with high pressure, high heat and enough time it can be transformed into a rare and wonderful diamond. But it is not important anymore if the tree was small and ugly or the biggest and prettiest tree."

She said, "You told me that scat and scars are proofs of love from a woman to a man. This means that a woman, in being a slave, has the control about your love as a man to her."

I answered, "Yes, as a short summary, you can tell it like this. Limits can be pushed further on, but taboos are untouchable. It is the greatest strength and in the end proofs of love to give them to another person. I think by that even if someone hates you, you will win first his respect and in the end his love. Nobody can ignore the strength, the free and complete submission if you want to do this for another person. But in this extreme case to transfer hate into love, it will be no fast love like looking at someone, falling in love, the love is away after a short time and falling in love to the next person. It is a deeper love based on a deep respect, impressing strength, the result of your fighting and suffering for him, real values of a personality. Ok, certainly no person can speak in the name of another person and in the end it is only right for me. I do not know but perhaps this is the deepest secret of BDSM, a real slave can transfer hate into love. Of course we will never know if this is true because no slave would accept a Master who hates her and verify it."

She looked in my eyes and said, "I can beg you with words for scat and scars, but not with my soul. These are my taboos and all in me is denying scat. I want you to break me until I am a slave begging for scat and scars with my soul. I want to have only one right. If I fail in something or cannot do it to your full satisfaction, I always want to have the right to try it again and to show you that I will do more in my efforts next time. My taboos I am giving to my Master and I choose my Master for this. Every man can own my body with violence or as a prostitute with money. But I choose how my Master owns my soul."

"If you would post these thoughts in any BDSM Forum the first half would call it ill and sick and the second half would call it topping from the bottom. In the end you demand the right that you never can fail completely. With this, every other person wins my respect." I said with a smile.

"In our heads are the rules of the BDSM society and this is dominated by players of BDSM. Our souls are not caring about these rules. I do not demand the right that I never can fail, I demand the right that you never give up training me as your perfect slave. But both are the same," She stated.

"You are right, but do you really know what it means to break someone? Going beyond a limit means you will fight against your Master and he will break your resistance. If not, it would be no limit. But to break a person completely is much more than this. First I am not sure if I could do this without hating myself. Second I am not a man who can break someone with violence. This is completely against my personality. If I would do this, I could only break you with intelligence. But this would mean to find out your weak points and use them against you. Third you would hate me because of what I would do to you and you would hate yourself because you agreed to it. Better you forget this."

"If you want to break someone, I would never make this offer to you. Only "small" men want to have this power. But every person feels hate, anger, pride, rage, etc. and you can be sure that I will fight against you and you will feel all of my resistance. But to me the only way to train a slave as a perfect picture in a mirror' for a master is if a slave is completely broken, all these feelings do not exist anymore and the slave assumes the feelings of her Master. Only then complete and total submission as a slave is possible. If you are proud of me, I will be proud of myself. If you are happy, I will be happy. To find your love, I will love myself. You will always choose me all the same if another slave is younger, prettier or anything else. This is the security I need as a permanent slave. And you will not hate yourself, because I beg you to do this." She replied.

"Are you afraid to work as a prostitute? This should not be the reason to live as a permanent slave. If your Master breaks you completely, you will even work as a prostitute for him. You do not win anything if you do it because you are afraid of something. To do something because of fear is always a bad reason for doing something. To live as a permanent slave you can do only if you are longing for something."

"You did not choose the professional slave because you do not like to have a prostitute with you."

I said, "You are right. But this is not the point. I cannot imagine that this attitude will ever change in my life. But in the end it is only right for my past up to this moment."

She thought about it and said, "I am not afraid to work as a prostitute, partly it is even one of my fantasies. On the one hand everything in me is denying it to be fucked by perhaps dirty and bad smelling men, on the other hand this submission for my Master is exciting for me. But these men tricked me and I never would do it for them. It is for me the same with scat. On the one hand everything in me is denying it, but this submission to be trained as a toilet slave for my Master is exciting for me. In the end everything is like this for me. Many things in being a slave I enjoy myself, with other things I enjoy the submission for my Master."

I said to her with a smile, "You know my attitude in having a prostitute. It is always the problem with total power. You can do anything, but in my opinion only very stupid people want to do anything. Even if a slave has no limitations, the limitations of her Master still exist."

"If you break me completely I will beg you for scat and scars and it is up to you if you fulfill my wish. Some scars make people ugly, some scars make people more interesting. If you want to give a scar to me, you will choose this scar that will make me more interesting for you and I will be proud to have it."

"Tomorrow I am leaving, but we will have one last meal to eat together. Take some time tonight to think about four points seriously. If you have a different view to one of these points you cannot be my slave.

First in my youth I played tennis very well and I will take this as an example. To have the highest devotion in tennis means to give and to do anything to improve. But in the same way never to break down under the pressure of failing in an important match. You have to accept two important rules: a person who gives anything, never can lose and there is no "must" to be perfect. You do not have to be perfect in one week, one month, one year or even in your entire life. It is not important. You can fall down once or 1000 times, it is not important. But it must be your highest wish to be perfect although you know that perhaps you will never be perfect. The only way of failing is giving up. If it is your highest wish to be my slave, then you never can fail. If it is not, you will fail. Every failure brings damage to your soul and makes you feel small. I do not want that this to happen to any person and the last person would be my slave.

Second, permanent slavery is not trying, it is doing. Trying means always that you are not sure about something. If you are not sure about you, you will fail. If you are not sure about me, you will fail. If you want to do this, you do not have to trust me, it is not necessary. You have to trust yourself. It is like jumping in the water. You can jump or not, but not trying to jump. And you have to trust yourself that you are longing to swim around in the water. It does not matter if the water is at a perfect temperature or if it is cold. It just means that you have to swim more or less around until you feel warm. But if you are longing to swim in the water, then it is all the same if you have to swim more or less around.

Third, I promise you to do all and everything with the best of my knowledge and belief to make you grow and to train you as my perfect slave. But probably I will never be perfect in learning the language of your body and soul. I need your help that you always tell me the truth, but probably I will always be only nearly perfect.

Fourth, I will be not only your Master, I am still a man. A slave is for me to have a girlfriend and a strong person at my side, too. And I am no God who knows everything. If I want to hear another opinion to something, then I will ask you. I expect that you will always tell me the truth, especially if you have a different point of view or even to criticize me. I cannot give you the promise that your point of view will always have an influence. But I can give you the promise that I will always accept your opinion and that I will think over it. Do not create a perfect master in your mind, I probably will never be."

"A perfect picture in the mirror. I will always be your slave including your girlfriend if you need. But you should think about something, too. Are you strong enough for a slave like me?" She asked.

"Yes, but I need your assurance not only in words. You can choose any time you want. If you want to leave in this time, you can have as much time as you want to think about it alone. If you still want to leave, then you have to leave. You can call this Safe-words, qualifying period or anything you want. If you never want to leave in the time you will choose, then I accept then you really mean what you said. To accept a permanent slave is for me a higher obligation as a marriage promise in a church. But I promise you that I will do everything that you want to leave in the time you choose. Only then do you earn to get this obligation from the first second."

She looked in my eyes and only said: "I accept this condition and I will think about the time I will choose."

This was no playing anymore, but if she was serious I knew why I always denied marrying and I knew that she could be the answer. We met the next day and she looked in my eyes and told me the same words as the evening before. I told her that I will return home as planned this afternoon and that I have to speak with my girlfriend personally and explain the situation to her and that in two or three days I will come back. First she was disappointed, but at the end she understood that my relationship has to be ended in a fair way.

She brought me to the airport and I asked about her debts and if she would need some money for the next few days. She told me with a smile: "My debts are less than 10.000 Euro because of that I answered to the ad. And no worries, I am staying with a friend and I am safe there for two weeks. I can stay there and I get what I need, I need no money until you come back."

"I do not know anything about these men and why you have debts to them. But if you get into any real problems without paying them, then we pay them. I cannot make a judgement about this, it is your decision when I come back."

She said with a smile, "I will think about it. But in general these men tricked me and they should not get this money."

I answered," It honors you what you think about it, but perhaps it really would be better to pay them. And in the next few days if you feel only 1% not sure about permanent slavery or if you feel any pressure on you because of your decision then tell me. Then we had a nice passing acquaintance on a holiday as others are having, we had some nice days together and all is well."

I went home, we were communicating by calling and SMS. My girlfriend came home and was completely done with her job. I decided to wait one or two days until she would be in a better condition and then to tell her about the ending of our relationship and what happened in Prague. But suddenly the mobile did not exist anymore. Nevertheless, I ended the relationship and searched for her in Prague. But I could not find her and I never knew what happened to her. Partly it would be better for me if we would have met again, she paid her debts with my money and then she would have gone. Then I would know that my knowing about people was completely wrong with her.