"I know. But this time it's more important than ever. Please don't let me down."
And she really didn't think he would let her down. She knew and understood him very well. She could depend on him. He would respond the right way, and then her true happiness could begin. She would then call Rick.
In his hotel room Jeremy sat motionless for minutes staring at the now dead phone receiver. Meryn wanted to talk to him, but couldn't do it over the phone. She sounded nervous and tense, but not as nervous and tense as he now felt. Could the moment of which he had been living in constant fear finally be coming to pass. He knew in his heart that Meryn was not enamored with this lifestyle, not like Natasha. It was an experience and an adventure for her, but he always knew it would never be enough. She would want more, need more, and she certainly deserved more. She had allowed him to worship, adore and serve her. She had done it for him. And he certainly did worship and adore her. But far more importantly, from almost the very first day, he knew that he had fallen hopelessly in love with her. So many times he had wanted to tell her, but couldn't bring himself to do so because he was afraid that it was not what she wanted from him, and would thus ruin everything.
But now he was filled with fear that she was going to end it anyway. If she did, he would tell her that he loved her, and plead with her to let him maintain some contact with her. Maybe just be allowed to clean her apartment, anything to be near her occasionally. A different thought terrified him even more. What if there was already someone else, somebody who offered a more traditional relationship, more in concert with her own dreams and desires. If that was the case he was truly lost. But he knew in his heart that he would remain committed to the most important thing in his life ... her happiness. If there was somebody else in her life that she wanted, he would not make it hard for her. It would crush him, but he would step aside as painlessly for her as possible, and never let her know. He just didn't know how he would be able to go on after that. But that would be his problem, and he would make sure it would never be hers.
Driving home the next day, after a virtually sleepless night, he desperately tried to think of reasons why she wanted to talk to him that didn't involve her ending their relationship. His hopes were momentarily buoyed when upon arriving home she met him at the door, hugged him fiercely, and then led him into the livingroom asking him to sit in the chair as she sat opposite him on the sofa. She asked him to please listen to her carefully without responding until she was done. She then took a deep breath, cast her eyes down to her folded hands on her lap, and began softly.
"Jeremy, this past year has been the happiest one of my life." His hopes began to rise more. "But over the last several months, I've had a vague feeling that something wasn't right, something was missing from my life." Hopes starting to become dread. "I didn't dwell too much on these thoughts because I didn't want to mess things up. But while you were away, I happened to run into Rick," God no. It's true. His worst nightmare. "And we talked and he told me things, and afterwards I realized what was wrong, what was missing in my life," her voice rising, "and I know now what I want more than anything in the world." She paused. "Jeremy, WE CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS."
Jeremy felt as if a claw was gripping his heart. He struggled to control his breathing. Meryn still was looking down at her hands as she continued, again more softly, but plaintively. "But it has to come from you. I want ... I can't force you ... Please."
She now looked up at him, and saw to her horror a look of utter desolation on his face. He's not going to do it, she thought desperately. He's going to refuse. How could she have been so wrong about him? How could she have misjudged him so? And what was she going to do now?
Jeremy saw the terror and panic in her face, and knew he was causing her intense pain. The woman he worshiped and adored ... no damn it ... whom he loved with his whole heart and soul, and he was failing her. And she had told him that she was depending on him. It was time to prove to her, and to himself, that as he had vowed time and again, the most important thing in his life was her happiness, and he would do anything for her. Even this. There was one thing he had to do however, for his own sanity, even if it might possibly cause her some small discomfort.
"Meryn." He began hoarsely. "I understand. I want you to know that I'll do what needs to be done. But please forgive me if this causes you some distress, but I have to let you know." He gathered himself. "I love you with every part of my being, and your happiness has always been the most important thing in the world to me. So I won't allow myself to stand in your way. I'll leave quietly so you can have that happiness with ..." he couldn't bring himself to say the name, "... with whomever you love."
LEAVE. LOVE. WHOMEVER SHE LOVED. Oh dear God what a total disaster she had made of this. What she had done to him. How could she have been so blind. Of course he would have reacted this way. She stood up suddenly, tears in her eyes, her arms crossed across her chest, gripping herself tightly.
"Jeremy. No. Leave? Please God never. You've got it all wrong. Whomever I love? Jeremy," She paused for emphasis. "I Love YOU." His face blank as she rushed on. "And what I've been trying to say so very, very poorly is that what I want more than anything in the world is to live all of my life with you ... As your wife."
Comprehension slowly began to overcome a lifetime's feeling of unworth in his heart. "But it has to come from you Jeremy. I can't force you. I can't command this. You have to Want it. You have to Want ... ME."
She closed her eyes trying to fight back the tears as Jeremy rose, stepped in front of her, took one of her hands into his own, and got down on one knee.
"Meryn, in my wildest dreams I could never have imagined that anyone as wonderful as you would ever want to make a life with someone like me. If this miracle is true you will make me the happiest and luckiest man on this earth. I most humbly ask ... Will you marry me."
'She opened her eyes and looked down at him. She gently pulled him to his feet, wrapped her arms around him, and brought her lips urgently to his for the first true kiss they had ever shared. Her tongue worked it's way between his lips, met his, and they explored each other long and hard. The kiss seemed to go on forever as time seemed to stop. Breathing did not however, and their lips finally pulled apart.
"Did you understand my answer?" She asked mischievously.
He gave her one of his special smiles.
"I'm not sure. Let's try again to see if I've got it right." He then kissed her even more passionately, their tongues dancing together and becoming one.
When this kiss finally, reluctantly, came to an end, she smiled up at him, then slipped her hand into his and led him into the next room. She had him sit on the side of her bed, and then sat down next to him.
"Jeremy, it's customary that when a man asks a woman to marry him he gives her a token of his love and commitment."
