Part Nineteen: The End
Meryn was in a daze as she drove around aimlessly for the next hour. Finally arriving home around 8:30 she was greeted by the ringing phone. Oh God, Jeremy, she thought. She had forgotten, and now he was the last person she wanted to speak to at the moment. The ringing stopped, and then started again immediately, and she knew she had to pick it up or this would go on all night. She had to make some excuse not to talk to him right now.
"Meryn, is everything okay? I've been calling for the last half hour." Jeremy began frantically when she finally answered.
"I just have a splitting headache, Jeremy." Not very far from the truth. "And I've just been trying to sleep it off."
"Did you take anything for it? I can come home right away."
"NO. That's alright. I just need to rest, but I don't feel much like talking right now. Is that okay?"
"Of course it's okay. Take something and go to sleep, and take care of yourself, please. I'll call you in the morning."
"DON'T. I'm going to try to sleep all day. I'm exhausted. Call me at eight tomorrow night. I'll be fine by then, I'm sure."
Jeremy sounded very worried. "Okay, I know you need your rest, but if you're not feeling better promise me you'll call me. Please."
"I'll be fine. I'll talk to you then."
Meryn truly was in turmoil as she tried to sort through everything that had happened. She kept coming back to one thing. Rick said he thought he loved her. Love. A word that had never been a part of any of her relationships. And now he said he thought he loved her. Going over and over and over that word. She suddenly realized that she didn't think. She knew. And in her heart she also knew that this was what had been missing in her life, what had been nagging at her these past few months, what wasn't right. Just as suddenly, it hit her that she also knew what she wanted, needed now more than anything in the world. This revelation filled her with an indescribable joy. It had to be. There was no other choice. Rick coming back into her life when Jeremy was away had to be an omen, a signal. There was no other way to look at it.
Jeremy. Instantly she was gripped with anxiety. How would he react? She had to talk to him. But it couldn't be over the phone. It had to be in person. He had to respond as she prayed he would or it would be a disaster. She knew she couldn't bring herself to try to force him. It had to come from him.
She spent the night tossing and turning, and the next day unsettled, alternating between joy and terror. She was sure of her decision but nervous over how to bring it about. Jeremy was going to call at eight, and she didn't want to discuss this over the phone, so she would keep the conversation superficial and wait for him to come home on Sunday to have the fateful discussion. When he did call that night however he sensed immediately that something was wrong.
"Meryn, are you sure you're okay? You just don't sound right."
She couldn't keep up the facade.
"Jeremy, we have to talk, but not over the phone. When you come home tomorrow, first thing we have to sit down and talk."
"What's wrong Meryn? I can come home right now."
"NO. Absolutely not. You have to finish at the symposium, make your impression. That's more important now than ever. But come home as soon as you're finished. Come right home."
"Meryn. Please. What's this all about?"
"It has to wait until tomorrow when you're here." She insisted. "But Jeremy, it is very important that you listen to me carefully tomorrow. That you understand. I'm really depending on you."
'You know you can always depend on me."
"I know. But this time it's more important than ever. Please don't let me down."
And she really didn't think he would let her down. She knew and understood him very well. She could depend on him. He would respond the right way, and then her true happiness could begin. She would then call Rick.
In his hotel room Jeremy sat motionless for minutes staring at the now dead phone receiver. Meryn wanted to talk to him, but couldn't do it over the phone. She sounded nervous and tense, but not as nervous and tense as he now felt. Could the moment of which he had been living in constant fear finally be coming to pass. He knew in his heart that Meryn was not enamored with this lifestyle, not like Natasha. It was an experience and an adventure for her, but he always knew it would never be enough. She would want more, need more, and she certainly deserved more. She had allowed him to worship, adore and serve her. She had done it for him. And he certainly did worship and adore her. But far more importantly, from almost the very first day, he knew that he had fallen hopelessly in love with her. So many times he had wanted to tell her, but couldn't bring himself to do so because he was afraid that it was not what she wanted from him, and would thus ruin everything.
But now he was filled with fear that she was going to end it anyway. If she did, he would tell her that he loved her, and plead with her to let him maintain some contact with her. Maybe just be allowed to clean her apartment, anything to be near her occasionally. A different thought terrified him even more. What if there was already someone else, somebody who offered a more traditional relationship, more in concert with her own dreams and desires. If that was the case he was truly lost. But he knew in his heart that he would remain committed to the most important thing in his life ... her happiness. If there was somebody else in her life that she wanted, he would not make it hard for her. It would crush him, but he would step aside as painlessly for her as possible, and never let her know. He just didn't know how he would be able to go on after that. But that would be his problem, and he would make sure it would never be hers.
Driving home the next day, after a virtually sleepless night, he desperately tried to think of reasons why she wanted to talk to him that didn't involve her ending their relationship. His hopes were momentarily buoyed when upon arriving home she met him at the door, hugged him fiercely, and then led him into the livingroom asking him to sit in the chair as she sat opposite him on the sofa. She asked him to please listen to her carefully without responding until she was done. She then took a deep breath, cast her eyes down to her folded hands on her lap, and began softly.
"Jeremy, this past year has been the happiest one of my life." His hopes began to rise more. "But over the last several months, I've had a vague feeling that something wasn't right, something was missing from my life." Hopes starting to become dread. "I didn't dwell too much on these thoughts because I didn't want to mess things up. But while you were away, I happened to run into Rick," God no. It's true. His worst nightmare. "And we talked and he told me things, and afterwards I realized what was wrong, what was missing in my life," her voice rising, "and I know now what I want more than anything in the world." She paused. "Jeremy, WE CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS."
Jeremy felt as if a claw was gripping his heart. He struggled to control his breathing. Meryn still was looking down at her hands as she continued, again more softly, but plaintively. "But it has to come from you. I want ... I can't force you ... Please."
She now looked up at him, and saw to her horror a look of utter desolation on his face. He's not going to do it, she thought desperately. He's going to refuse. How could she have been so wrong about him? How could she have misjudged him so? And what was she going to do now?
Jeremy saw the terror and panic in her face, and knew he was causing her intense pain. The woman he worshiped and adored ... no damn it ... whom he loved with his whole heart and soul, and he was failing her. And she had told him that she was depending on him. It was time to prove to her, and to himself, that as he had vowed time and again, the most important thing in his life was her happiness, and he would do anything for her. Even this. There was one thing he had to do however, for his own sanity, even if it might possibly cause her some small discomfort.
"Meryn." He began hoarsely. "I understand. I want you to know that I'll do what needs to be done. But please forgive me if this causes you some distress, but I have to let you know." He gathered himself. "I love you with every part of my being, and your happiness has always been the most important thing in the world to me. So I won't allow myself to stand in your way. I'll leave quietly so you can have that happiness with ..." he couldn't bring himself to say the name, "... with whomever you love."
LEAVE. LOVE. WHOMEVER SHE LOVED. Oh dear God what a total disaster she had made of this. What she had done to him. How could she have been so blind. Of course he would have reacted this way. She stood up suddenly, tears in her eyes, her arms crossed across her chest, gripping herself tightly.
