A Light Too Bright

I have written this in response to requests from fans for more about Nathan and Cassy. Love to you all.

"A Light Too Bright" is about Nathan. It occurs over the three years that span between when Cassy first comes to live with Nathan until she goes to clinic with Cam. It is the communications and experiences that went on between Nathan Landauer and Cam Wanderbourne.

If you have not already read "Finding Home" and "Lost in the Wind", I recommend you read those first before reading this.

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Cam Wanderbourne had only been a wake a short while when his cell phone rang. He almost did not answer, but on impulse picked it up and checked who would call so early in the morning. He stared in disbelief at the screen. Nathan Landauer had not called him in months.

"Christ Nathan, do you have any idea what time it is?" It was before 5:00 am. Cam was awake, he usually woke up around 4:00 am, if not earlier. Early mornings were reserved as his work time. If it had been anyone other than Nathan, Cam would not have answered, ...Nathan or Jesus.

"Why are you complaining? You never sleep."

"That is not true. Anyway, mornings are my work time. I don't usually take calls this time of day."

Nathan ignored him. "I need to ask you something."

Cam Wanderbourne paused and looked at the phone. Nathan Landauer was not one to ask anyone for anything. Fiercely independent and incredibly quick to take offense, this old friend was not one to reach out. The last time he had asked for anything was when he and Jesus had had one of their blow outs. He had needed a place to crash and ice for his bruises. That had been light years ago.

Cam asked, "What do you need?"

Nathan's voice was carefully matter of fact, "How much is normal for a girl to bleed when she loses her virginity?"

"Nathan, what the fuck are you up to?"

"Its not a big deal. I just have a girl, a sub. She has been living here for a week or so and it was her first time. There seems to be more blood than I expected."

OK, who is this really?" Cam was not joking. He actually had to sit down. He would have bet anything, hell everything, he owned that Nathan would never in a million years end up with a girl living in his house.

Not that Nathan did not like girls, he had always been omnivorous, but he had never been one to pursue relationships with females. While Nathan was perfectly happy to have sex with women, Cam had never seen him emotionally relate to any woman. Even when he had been dating women in college, he had been callous and cruel to them.

Nathan had always seemed more comfortable with men, at least until the disaster with Jesus. After that Nathan had pretty much withdrawn from human contact.

Nathan's voice was increasingly impatient and worry was leaking in around the edges. "Come on Cam, I am not joking around."

"OK, OK." While Cam had never practiced medicine, going straight into psychiatry after his hospital residency, he felt his doctor persona kick in. "How much blood is there?"

"It just about soaked up a whole wash cloth."

"How long has she been bleeding?"

"Its been five, maybe six, hours."

Cam smiled to himself. He was right. Nathan really did not know much about women. He reassured him, "It doesn't sound like an abnormal amount. It varies a lot from one girl to the next. Were you careful?"

"I was careful!" Nathan's voice sounded defensive.

"Check on her in a couple of hours and if she is still bleeding call me back."

"OK."

"It would be probably be a good idea to refrain from intercourse for twenty four hours. Give her a chance to heal up."

"OK."

"Nathan, don't you think you should call Jesus."

"Fuck no!" His voice was sharp and loud.

"What if he comes back?"

"You tell him to stay the fuck away from me."

"He has a right to know you have moved on."

"You tell him that I have someone else."

Nathan hung up without saying good bye. Cam stayed sitting, his mind whirling, spinning back to the first time he had seen Nathan five years ago.

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It had been a cold and rainy fall, which made the the bright sunny day all the more beautiful. Cam had been on his way in to pick up some papers he needed to apply for the last independent study credits he needed to complete his music history degree.

The double doors of the old music building had crashed open and two men burst out. They were both yelling at the same time, their voices loud, profanities flying. Apparently they were arguing about a joint project and it was obvious that neither one was listening to the other.

Cam was struck by the contrast between the two men. He had seen the big black guy around campus numerous times, very dark skinned, almost seven feet tall and massive, he had huge shoulders and a thick chest. Dressed in ragged jeans and a skin tight T-shirt, he was the kind of man you couldn't miss. Cam had assumed he was part of the athletic department, one of the football team maybe. He moved with the physical grace and confidence of an athlete.

The other man Cam had never seen before, appearing almost small in comparison, the six foot man facing the huge black man was visually his opposite. Impeccably dressed in an obviously expensive European cut suit, with long white hair pulled back into a perfect pony tail, was a man so fair skinned, he had to be an albino. He wore a pair of round dark glasses concealing his eyes.

Both men were extraordinarily handsome. Cam felt himself grow curious about this improbable duo.

"Whats all the excitement about?" Both men turned to look at him. The light skinned man was cool and distant, but the black man turned and exclaimed, "This idiot is a complete fucking asshole! He won't listen to a thing I have to say and I fucking refuse to let him fuck up a month's work!"

The pale man held out his hand, "Allow me to introduce myself, Nathan Landauer. And you might be?" His voice was icily formal, all anger suddenly contained.

"I 'm sorry, I am Cam Wanderbourne. I hope you forgive me for interrupting, but you two are far too entertaining to not make a bid for a front row seat to the show."

"Jesus Jones." The big black man pushed in front and shoved his hand out, still glowering at his opponent. Cam could not suppress the flash of ironic humor. Jesus had pronounced his first name like the Hispanic 'Hayzoose' and the last name with the a hard 'J'.

Cam could not resist. "Not Hayzoose Hones?"

Jesus blinked, and then looked at Cam sharply. "That was funny maybe the first hundred times someone said it to me."

"Well, it may have been too much to ask for me to be original."

Nathan Landauer interrupted, "Wanderbourne? You're that guy that got that dinosaur Jinks canned?"

"I like to think he got himself 'canned'. Anyone that openly bigoted has no place on this campus." Cam smiled. "Hey, let me buy you guys dinner. If you can call a truce, I volunteer to act as mediator. If you two can stop yelling at each other, you will have a better chance of being successful on your project."

It had not been a difference over how to do the jointly written piece, both men were very talented, and while their styles were a world apart, it was obvious they had great respect for each other musically. The problems they faced revolved around communication. As the dinner progressed Cam became increasingly aware of the sexual tension between these two men.

Jesus could not keep his eyes off Nathan. Even in the midst of the most animated conversation, he would be talking with Cam but his eyes were on the finely chiseled features of the other man.

At one point Nathan pulled off his glasses to rub at his eyes, his brow creased in discomfort. He looked up and blinked a few times and Cam was staggered. His eyes were large and icy blue, deep set and ringed with thick improbably long white lashes. This was easily the the most strikingly handsome man Cam had ever met. Cam felt something stir deep inside himself, a sweet stabbing pang of lust, he could understand Jesus's fascination.

Nathan carefully cleaned the round almost black lenses and put them back on. He looked up and realized that both men were silent and staring. His expression chilled, his features settling into an icy mask. His lips tightened in anger and then disdain. He addressed Jesus, "Like what you see? Want a piece of this?" His voice was deliberately mocking and loud enough to turn heads in the restaurant.

Jesus yanked his eyes away. His whisper was defensive and gruff, "I ain't no queer."

Nathan's voice was both taunting and openly seductive, "I am not so sure about that. I see how you look at me. I bet you think about it all the time, what it would be like, ebony and ivory."

Jesus's voice was sharper, "I stare at you, like I stare at any kind of freak show."

Cam interrupted, "OK guys, I see the problem here. Nathan, Jesus is clearly uncomfortable with this conversation, and you know that."

"You spend a year around him, with him peeking up your dress every time he thinks you're not looking. He is practically stalking me. Who do you think asked to be my partner on this project?"

Jesus interrupted, "I asked to have you for my partner because you are the best fucking pianist in the department. All the other choices were fucking rap pop wanna bes."

Nathan's voice was suddenly savage, a bitter smile twisting his lips, "Yea right! You are the biggest down low closet queer I have ever met. You get a hard on every time you look at me."

Jesus's eyes bugged out. "I ought to punch that pretty girl smile off your fag face."

Cam interrupted, "This is going nowhere. First off you promised to to call a truce. Chill out or you will get us thrown out of here. Second of all, I could care less who is or is not fucking whom. That is none of my business but here and now is not the time to figure that out. So lets practice some better manners please."

Both men sat silent, shooting looks of pure venom across the table at one another. Cam looked at both of these men. While Nathan had a compelling almost magical beauty, Jesus was an equally handsome man. Very dark skinned, with large, yet refined features, he had a large sensual mouth that was quick to smile and laugh. He had large, exotic, almond shaped eyes. Cam could have sworn he had seen that face painted on the walls of the temples of Egypt. Loud and larger than life, Jesus glowed with vitality. Cam knew he wanted them both.

Carefully steering the conversation to music, and then back to them he learned that both men were in their senior years. Jesus had been attending on an athletic scholarship but had quit the sports department and changed his major to music and was finishing his degree on student loans.

Nathan Landauer did not have a lot to say about himself, but Cam could tell from his clothes and expensive watch that he obviously came from money.

After dinner Cam walked out with the them. "I am having some friends over this weekend. I would love it if you guys would come, nothing stuffy, just drinks, music, and some really interesting people. You guys would fit right in. Feel free to bring dates."

Even with the tension between Nathan and Jesus, all three got to be good friends. With some advice from Cam, Nathan stopped taunting and challenging Jesus's poorly concealed attraction to him. In fact, Nathan began to actively date and casually break the hearts of nearly every one of the hot girls on campus. It became increasingly common for Nathan and Jesus to double date and swap girls back and forth. Cam suspected that Jesus came along on the dates to be near Nathan without having to admitting to himself his attraction.

It wasn't long before these group dates soon evolved into some pretty wild orgies. It was a pretty wild time. All three of them would go out together, Nathan using his looks and obvious money to set them up with willing girls, the kinkier the better. All three of them developed an interest in bondage, whips and playing Master/slave games. Bisexuality was open and accepted. It grew increasingly difficult for Jesus to maintain his denial.

Cam never knew exactly how or when, but one day Jesus stopped resisting his impulses. Cam had always believed that these two would end up together. Their obsession with each other was obvious. What he had not anticipated was how destructive and chaotic their relationship would be. Somehow he had thought once they got the sexual tension thing out of the way they would be OK together. He couldn't have been more wrong. It seems like they fought more after they became lovers than they ever did before, and it wasn't just verbal.

Almost weekly, one or the other would be coming to him bruised and bloody, grimly angry over harsh words, swearing it was over. They turned to him for consolation or sometimes just angry vengeful sex to rub in the other man's face. Cam knew he was taking advantage of both men's vulnerabilities but he found he couldn't refuse either one of them. He had fallen for both of them, even harder than they had for each other.

Eventually it had really fallen apart. His psychiatry residency forced Cam to relocate to the west coast. Without his peace keeping efforts the wounds the two men inflicted on each other became unbearable. Their separations grew longer and longer. Finally Jesus left and just didn't come back. Nathan withdrew into his little world of his bookstores and his house.

And now Nathan had a girl. Cam was still amazed. Nathan had a tendency toward cruelty and impatience, especially around women. Cam had always wondered about Nathan's relationship with his mother but Nathan had never spoken about her.

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"Call me or I will come out there."

Nathan looked at the email. It was the last plea in dozens of messages he had received from Cam Wanderbourne. Some were long and some were short but they were all asking for some kind of communication.

Cam had been trying to reach Nathan for almost six months, finally he was threatening to come out. Cam was not one to let a friend to lose touch and Nathan had definitely dropped off the radar.

OK, OK. He sat down and began to compose an email. He did not want to call. Talking with Cam could be tricky, he had a way of turning around what you said.

Cam,

I am sorry that I haven't responded to your emails and phone messages. I guess you deserve an explanation.

Everything is different for me in this year that I have been with Cassy. The way I lived my life before was obviously very out of control and wrong for me.

It seems like you are part of that old life. I decided to put my past behind me.

You have been a good friend to me and I want to thank you for that, but I think it would be a good idea if I make a clean start in my life.

Nathan

Cam read the email and closed the computer window with a sharp click of his mouse. He had the random thought that it wasn't half as satisfying as slamming down a phone receiver or slamming a door. God damn, how could Nathan turn his back on six years of friendship just like that.

Cam knew that it had to be the girl, but Nathan never spoke of her after that first phone call over a year ago. The few times they had spoken, when Cam would ask, Nathan would change the subject. Nathan had always been aloof, private. After Jesus had left he had become increasingly isolated, contacts had become shorter and increasingly infrequent.

Now Nathan was saying the friendship was over.

Cam sighed and reopened his email.

Nathan,

You are right, I do deserve an explanation. I am having trouble understanding how my being part of your old life somehow disqualifies me from still being your friend.

Nathan I understand you need to move beyond what has happened in your past but to discard everything and everyone is not reasonable.

If you need some time to yourself, I will support that. But I refuse to stop being your friend, like its something you can take off, like an old shoe.

Do what you need to do. I will be here and if there is ever anything you need, ...well thats what friends are for. I will email you every once in a while, just to keep in touch. It wouldn't hurt you to do the same.

Always your friend, Cam

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Nathan sat in his office, listening to the soft creaks as the old carriage house warmed in the spring sunshine.

Other than these sounds, the house was silent. Cassy had grown so adept at noiselessly creeping through her cleaning chores that he hardly ever heard her any more. She was cleaning the kitchen cabinets today. Cassy had grown so efficient that the whole house was spotless and sparkling all the time.

Nathan had no plans to go out tonight. He had gotten finished reviewing the daily reports from the stores and had no big projects upcoming. He stretched and pulled on his glasses. He might as well check in on Cassy. He padded silently to the kitchen. Once he got closer, he could hear her soft quiet movements. He stopped at the door and could see her standing on the kitchen counter, her head deep in one of the upper cupboards.

She was wearing nothing but a big pair of rubber kitchen gloves and an apron. The smell of pine cleaner filled the kitchen. Her little bottom jiggled as she vigorously scrubbed the far corners of the shelf.

The corner of Nathan's mouth turn up briefly. She sure took her work very seriously. Even if it did not look dirty, she still put a hundred and ten percent into it. After two years of daily exercise, her little body was really starting to show her finely defined muscles. Nathan had carefully designed her workouts to build strength and not bulk.

His smile faded. He could clearly see the massive bruises on her thighs, just now starting to fade to greens and yellows. He thought back, it was three days ago.

Cassy had held to the bar with her hands, her toes barely touching the floor. Her body swaying from the force of the blows of the flogger. Her eyes were closed, her brow furrowing with effort to keep her grip, apparently oblivious to the blows of the whip.

Nathan was becoming increasingly frustrated with her silence, her calm, and to him, her apparent indifference. He threw down the flogger and picked up a cane and hit her hard on her thighs just below the curve of her ass. He could tell it hurt, he could see her butt cheeks clench and shudder but her expression reflected in the mirror never changed, her eyes never opened.

He hit her again, harder, somehow needing her to acknowledge him, her little body jerked and swayed, but her face stayed the same. Nathan lost it, he had hit her over and over until she fell from the bar, collapsing in a soft jumble of arms and legs. Her face still clenched and closed.

"Cassy!" He had called her name, suddenly alarmed. Had she fainted? He pick her up and shook her, her head swung loose on her neck, her whole body limp. He pushed up her eyelid and peered into her eye, but there was no awareness in her.

"Wake up!" His voice was panicked. And then she blinked and frowned, her little tongue crept out and licked her lips. Nathan sank to his knees, crushing her against his chest.

"Yes Sir?" Her voice was hoarse, almost a croak. She seemed disoriented. "Did I fall?"

"Don't you remember?"

Cassy tried to sit up and for the first time whimpered, her hand automatically reaching down to touch her thighs and then jerking away like she had been burned. Her eyes looked up at him, frightened.

Nathan felt a wave of remorse and just as quickly pushed it away. "Yes, you fell. Stand up girl." Standing, he reached down and took her hand, lifting her to her feet. As she stood, he could see her thighs were covered with red growing bruises, many of them overlapping. They covered the backs of her legs from knees to ass. He flinched back.