A Letter of Regret

Day 2-3

Seeing you there with her was...not pleasant. I know we weren't in love, nothing serious, just havin fun, but that still hurt. I would much rather have seen you alone. Back on-island and choosing not to contact me of your own accord. That, at least, would have been bearable.

I felt like we had some fun, and if we would have met up again it would have continued to be fun. I was prepared for the possibility that I might never see you again...I was not prepared to see you with her. Not that I even noticed her, not really, just enough to see that you were together.

I truly felt like we had some unfinished business. We never did get to the ropes, I would have enjoyed another romp of the beach, and I believe you mentioned fucking my ass? I'd been looking around for another woman while you were away, someone who might want to join us in a three-some when you returned, but I've had no luck. (Secretly I hoped I could talk you into letting your friend, join us, as I know he wanted to.)

I'd like to be able to simple say, "Oh well, it wasn't meant to be," but I just can't. Not that I thought we'd be together forever, but I thought we would at least work our way through the 'to-do list'.

I remember kissing you...so many kisses...I really liked the kisses...and I know you liked my tongue rings...Speaking of, I never did get to give you a proper blowjob.

Our fling was simply over too quickly. I feel like I'm to blame, wasting precious time at the end being sick, when we could have been otherwise engaged.

Oh, yeah, I never got to go out sailing with you, either.

I really, really want to be able to say goodbye, but I just can't. I want more. Lots more. Days and days alone for just kissing, not even considering all the different fucking we can do. Talking science and politics, philosophy and nonsense.

I still CRAVE having you on your knees, eating my pussy like a good boy, smiling up at me with your adorable smile. Begging me to fuck you. Mmmm....so delicious it makes me want to cry.

We could have been brilliant together, I believe.

Now what am I gonna do, with all my false fantasies crushed, shattered, broken? How do I get past something that never existed in the first place? Or at least only existed in my head? On the other hand, that means it should be easy to get over, right?

Then why can't I?.........................................I miss you.

Day 5

Now I'm torturing myself, returning to the scene of the 'incident'. Hoping to see you again...as much as I don't want to see her, I want to see you, again, even if for only a moment. To better remember you, you face, your smile, your eyes, even your scent.

I can't believe I am torturing myself over you. That doesn't happen to me. Ever. I don't let it happen...yet here I am.

What is this pull you have over me? I don't understand it, and that scares me. I am normally a very logical person...

Part of me, a very small part, was hoping to never see you again. Because if I did I would have to tell you something that I very much want to never have to say aloud. (Does that make sense??)

Fuck. There you are. Now what? I can't even think straight. Every thought has left my mind. I wasn't prepared to see you, as much as I both wanted to and equally hoped not to.

Fuck. Damn it. FUCK!!

Should I say something? Approach you? Make eye contact? Sneak out the side entrance? Finish eating and pretend like nothing happened? Wish I had ordered some rum in my coke. Wish I didn't have to go back to work. Wish my sister wasn't waiting on me. Wish I didn't have onion breath. Wish I washed my hair today. Wish I wore different clothes. Wish I picked a different place for lunch. Wish I had a different tongue ring in. Wish I was dead.

I'm scared. This doesn't happen to me. EVER. What have you done to me??

I think you're alone, so that's something. I hope you see me. I hope you don't.

FUCK! What am I doing? I'm losing it, that's what. Christ almighty. Christ help me. No, keep Christ out of this, I want to kill you. Or kiss you. Fuck you...I wish.

God, I'm so nervous. I don't get nervous. OK, deep breath. I'm an adult. I should behave as an adult. But, Damnit!, I'm a woman, too. I need to freeze time till I get my head on straight. I'm afraid to leave before you see me, afraid you'll leave before you see me, afraid you will see me, afraid you'll see me and ignore me anyway...I'm afraid to even look in your direction. I don't want to have to be the one to make a move, make a choice...put myself out there with a chance of rejection.

I liked it better when I hoped I had made you up. God, when I didn't have to face rejection. Especially rejection from you. You were just a nice fantasy man, no chance of pain (unless I was dishing it out).

I blast my ipod, direct my body/face/attention to the outside, so I don't accidentally catch your eye. So I don't stare. But I want to look. Every fiber of my being is straining, against my will, in your direction. Now is my chance! It may be my only chance...I really want to see you again...I wonder how long you are in town this time?

Stupid onion breath! I might be slightly inclined to say something if it wasn't for the stupid onions! I'd go there and just sit down next to you and own it. Be the confident girl I know surprises you.

You're gone, and my heart stops. I wasn't trying to look, I wanted the server's attention, but you're gone! I didn't see where you went, which way you went, you just vanished. Fuck! I waited too long and blew my chance!

Goddamnit! Of course as soon as you're gone the guy that was sitting between us gets up, unblocking your view of me.

This is not healthy. I'm sick.

It might not have even been you, I barely glanced in your direction. I am so keyed up right now I might blast into orbit. It's been, what, all of 5 minutes since I spotted someone who looked a bit like you...

God. I need help. No, I need you.

Day 11

I am so fucking pathetic. Haven't glimpsed you in a week, I still keep haunting any possible place, hoping to run into you. I almost had myself convinced that you were gone, changed islands or whatever, and that I was OK with that. It was what was meant to be, what I had expected anyway. But I just saw a boat, similar to yours (I think, I only saw it once, and that was in the dark), and I was instantly excited again, straining to see who was on it, and disappointed it wasn't you. More than disappointed; crushed.

Now I really do wish you just hadn't come back. I would be so much better off if I hadn't seen you that once (or twice?). A clean break. Now I'm kicking myself for not saying something to you when I had the chance. Such a pussy. God! How could I do that?? Just let you fucking walk away...I make myself sick.

Sick of pining over you. I did fine for 6 weeks, when I knew you were gone, thinking only fondly of you. Dammnit! I wish I knew better what your boat looked like, or even the color of the canvas. Or the name! If I had the name I could look you up.

I wish I told you to call me when you left. Should have gotten your e-mail, your home phone number. Showed you where I work, where I live. Something! If I knew you weren't interested in me that would be one thing. But since your disposable phone isn't working I can't help but let a small part of my brain wonder if you might be looking for me, too, and have no way to contact me...

An acquaintance told me it was just a fling. That I can have a million island guys in a second, if I wanted. And it's true, they're always hitting on me...and sometimes I hit back. But the bottom line is that I don't want any island boys. I want you. You fucker.

You are SO not good for me. You take away my control, and I have to be in control, right? I've never given in before, never given up. Being out of control scares the bejesus out of me. That's why I've never let it happen before. Control is all I have.

Especially with you. You have the looks, the charm, the means. The only thing in my favor is my control. But you take that from me simply by your absence. I can't imagine how far out of balance the scales would be if you were actually here...

So even though this, this not knowing is far more torturous, maybe it is better that you're gone.

I tell myself to forget it. Just give up and let you go. Then the back of my brain starts reviewing and plotting where else to look for you. I am absolutely sick.

Day 39

Alright, here's my dilemma. I had pretty much given up on you. Accepted the fact that you were off to some other island, with you new girl...maybe without, and that we were done. No possibility of reunion. No manner of contact or communication, or whatever.

So now the problem is your friend just showed up at the bar. He could be here to meet you, he could be here to check on your boat, or he could just be here. No idea.

I'm not sure if he recognized me or not. He was wearing sunglasses, so I didn't recognize him right away...again. I've run into him one other time and was slightly upset with myself for not saying something at that time, but it took me too long to figure out how I knew him at that time.

So what do I do? Instead of confronting him, yet again, I blast my ipod and work on writing. Maybe I will 'see' him and say something once I'm done eating?

Who am I kidding? We all know I'm just a big pussy. Though, with or without you, it would be nice to get with him. He was totally interested in the ropes and sex on the beach. He could be a lot of fun... and a way to find you.

Glad I changed my tongue ring.