I have this fantasy...
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever learn how to be a good submissive. I know I'm getting better. And Sir often tells me that I do please him. I'm getting the little things like the fact that he doesn't like the casual ok and yeah. I almost always remember to use all right rather then ok. The yeah is giving me a little more trouble, especially when he's sexually teasing me. Of course when he's doing that I sometimes forget my name even.
I've stopped doing my kitten pounces. He does not like me pouncing all around the room. I have one sub sis that I can pounce. A katt does like to pounce when she's happy. I have learned also that I don't pounce when I'm in his lap without asking if I may. That one was easy to see as it's a bit rude towards my Sir.
One of the things I am having a hard time with is my habit of hanging up on people when I get upset. I don't do it willy nilly left and right. But I do it. And it is a pretty disrespectful thing to do to to anyone and not just my Sir.
So I'm trying to curb a tendency to "hang up" when I'm chatting privately with him and get ticked or scared. But that will probably be another story.
But I am trying. And I do think I'm learning. It just seems very slowly at times. His patience with me is absolutely amazing. Knowing that he's not going to walk away from me makes me feel so safe.
Unfortunatly at the moment I am not feeling too safe.
I did it to Sir a second time last night. I lost that flaming Irish temper and hung up on him.
Then I sat staring at the phone with a feeling of total horror.
"Oh my God!" I whimpered. "I just hung up on him again."
My first thought was to literally bolt out of the apartment. Of course at the time all I was wearing was an oversized tank top.
But that's another issue I'm working on. I can't run away from my Sir. He owns my heart.
So I sat there stiff just staring at the phone with dread.
I hate it when he's displeased with me. He's a bit intimidating when he is. And knowing that he had to be a lot more then simply displeased that I'd hung up on him again was not a good feeling.
He made me wait ten minutes that felt more like ten years before he called me back. I'd known he would. He doesn't allow me to run away from him.
"Not a word." He growled after my timid, half whispered greeting. "Don't plan on leaving the apartment tomorrow. I will call you in the morning and let you know when I'll be there to talk with you about this hanging up shit you seem to think you can pull on me."
"Yes Sir." I murmured to an empty line.
I didn't sleep much that night. I wished so much I could have told him I was sorry. And I was. But sometimes those words can seem a bit empty.
I was up by eight which for a night owl like myself is the crack of dawn.
I wanted so much to make a pot of cofffe. But I figured the last thing I needed was to be a bouncing off the walls hyper brat of a sub.
I wondered how sore my butt and other parts of my body would be afer the talk was over?
I wondered how long it would be before I was walking straight again!
He finally called me a little after ten. Once again he told me not to speak. I would have to wait until after my punishment to tell him I really was sorry.
He said he would be at my apartment around five and that I was to be waiting for him on my bed naked with my ankles crossed and my hands up in the small of my back. He finished with telling me to gag myself with a ball gag.
I spent the rest of the day just puttering around the house cleaning an already spotless apartment.
I tried to write a little. But all I could think was that I should be writing five hundred times a promise to never again hang up on Sir.
When I looked down at the computer screen and realized I was actually typing that I gave up.
So I took a bath and shaved. I made my delicate Swedish skin all baby soft and sweet smelling for my Sir.
Then I just stared mindlessly at the Tv until it was time to go wait for Sir on my bed.
My apartment isn't that large so I easily heard the sound of his key in the door.
"Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck!" I whimpered to myself hearing him letting himself in. "Just how mad is he?" I knew how much being hung up on pissed Sir off. Maybe I'd finally done it this time. Maybe he had decided to release me?
I tried telling myself that he wouldn't have bothered having me get naked and position myself in this submissive pose on the bed if he was merely here to tell me I wasn't worthy of his time and attention. But I was having a hard time convincing myself.
He didn't come, and he didn't come. I strained desperatly trying to hear anything. I knew he hadn't left the apartment. But he didn't come.
I started to cry a little out of tension and a throat choking terror. I didn't want to cry hard and end up all red eyed and snuffling, stuffed nose. That's never a pretty picture.
But tear after silent tear kept sliding down my cheeks. And I had to keep shifting as the bedding below me got unpleasantly damp.
I have never owned the virtue of patience. I don't think I ever will. No matter how long I may be given to live.
At almost the exact moment that the wild thought of leaping up and running to throw myself down at his feet raised its unruly head I heard him in the doorway.
"Well, at least you can follow orders." He drawled cooly in that melting Southern voice.
I held myself frozen, barely breathing. If he told me something to do I didn't want to miss a single word.
I sensed him beside the bed, standing roughly hip level with me. And then his fingers trailed slowly up the back of my leg.
"So beautiful." He murmured. "And so often such a bad, cocky little brat. What am I going to do with you, my spitting, snarling little wild katt?"
I wanted to tell him anything. I wanted to tell him I knew I always seemed to be in trouble or caught up in some damn stupid behavior but that I really did love him.
I knew he realized that I was trying. This was just all so new to me. I'd been pure Vanilla for so long. I had never belonged to anyone as a submissive before. He was my first.
"I'm very, very angry with you baby. You know I hate being hung up on. And yet you hung up on me. Were you trying to piss me off? In the mood for a little pushing? Wanting to test me and see how much you could get away with?"
His fingers trailed back down my other leg.
"Were you trying to manipulate me baby?"
I froze at that softly spoken question.
Had I been? I was pretty sure I'd just been stupid mad and reacting in split second anger. I was good with the idiotic instant actions.
But now he was making me think. Had I been trying to manipulate him? Maybe feeling a little nervous about how strongly I felt about him?
I'm honestly not used to not having the upper hand. I've never before been in a relationship where I couldn't have easily just walked away if the need or even just the simple desire arose.
Even though I rarely ever exercised it I have always been the stronger personality in all my relationships.
I was raised to believe that the male is the head of the household. And I honestly do feel it should be that way. So I never challenged anyone I was with outwardly. But when it was something I really wanted I usually got it.
I couldn't decide for sure if I had been trying to manipulate him. I still thought I was just being thoughtlessly mad when I hung up on him.
But he had me thinking. He always gets me thinking about things. I love that about him.
We both know that I do sometimes like getting him a little annoyed with me. I'd never do anything really bad. I'd never do anything unforgiveable.
But him in a snarling mood gets me so excited. He is hot when he growls at me.
